Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Exhausting Full Day-What No Bounce?

I cannot believe this but I actually have not gotten a bounce in my weight this time. I landed on 164 and am sticking like a good gymnast :) I half expect that scale to dip to 163 but I'm not waiting or anything :)

I have not forgotten my list..why I had so much time when I didn't weight 164 and now none when I do is beyond me. I am planning on pulling out my old mac (with a working camera) tomorrow morning to 'do' the vlog. I am off to bed to think of what to say...Now if this were a good math lecture I would have no problems. I am not shy but this vlog thing is making me nervous.

nail biting going on here.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Damn and Blast-Day 1 Goal Posts

So I am already having to do some rearranging of the schedule because I cannot figure out how to do a vlog??? I looked on the web but apparently my little laptop has substandard equipment and it is going to take more than a quick sit-down in the evening to figure out. soo...vlog postponed but instead I will reorganize things a bit.

Up tonight: What I have learned and...begin the give away.

What I have learned:

1. Weightloss is about the little things not the big ones. Changing just one thing consistently is much more important than grand gestures that can only be maintained for short periods of time.

2. weightloss is a delayed thing. Being good this week does not mean you will lose weight at the end of the week. Being bad this week does not mean that you will gain weight at the end of the week. It does mean there are consequences and rewards for your actions but the reaction might take a few weeks to show up. I believe for me it is more along the lines of two weeks for any action than one.

3. Weightloss is physical. Like everyone I was afraid that the band would not work for me (really this mean that I was afraid that I would fail again despite it). When I shifted my view to one of a battle between my body chemistry against the dynamic duo- the band and I- things became more successful. I viewed my obesity as a physical illness. My metabolic thermostat was off kilter. It said I was hungry or desired food when it was really not in my best interests to eat. No one knows how to fix our thermostats really but the band helped me control the thing by helping my body feel full/satisfied. My part was staying on top of my fills. listening to my band. eating healthy protein rich foods first and limiting high calorie slider foods (notice i used the word limit there). I also tried to listen to what my body said. I did not always act on the 'voices' but I did try to listen. I figured out that when my body got really hungry it meant it was about to drop off some weight and was fighting against it.

4. When I weighed 304 pounds I was sunk in a hole so deep it was almost impossible to climb out. fatigue was my friend. When I was tired I was grouchy, felt defeated and very often hopeless. As the pounds came off I found energy that I never had before. Incorporating movement (not the hardcore difficult to maintain kind but steady, simple and enjoyable activities) brings more well-being and more energy. It is a wonderful thing.

5. Food is to be enjoyed, savored and consumed with friends. Tasting, experimenting are fun. Having food adventures is a great way to keep things exciting and stay satisfied. The band means that you will never have to eat too much of anything :)

6. We really (REALLY) do not need to eat as much as we think we do. 1/2 cup of food might not be what we are used to but it is enough.

7. Our lapband doctors don't know jack--They know the band works (mostly) but they have not studied, how we live with them, or even how to help us maximize the lapband's usefulness. Instead we have done that here with blogs and other bandy discussion boards in a somewhat unscientific but pretty helpful kind of way.

8. Socially life is way different as a thin person than it was as an obese person. I am more visible now than I was fat. My day to day interactions with people are friendlier, more personal and more alive than they ever were as an obese person. People look me in the eye (they did not before). People hold open doors, help me pick up dropped papers, say hello, look at me and just smile. This never happened before. Is it because I have somehow changed and exude more confidence?? Maybe but I somehow doubt it..I really think that being fat is much like having a missing limb or living in a wheel chair. People do not want to stare so they avoid any personal contact with you. It is their way of trying to be polite or politically correct but instead it robs one of the joys of community socialization. I am going to try and remember this..and treat all kinds of people who feel different in a more personal and friendly way (yup that means I am going to look people in the eye and say hello and smile). I am still experimenting but have tried it once of twice with positive results.

9. I still feel the same. I did not feel obese (whatever that feels like) when I was obese and I do not feel thin now. I feel...the same. Sure I have more energy but I still feel like me. I wonder if part of the reason I failed to really notice my years of weight gain was because I do not have a good sense of the space I take up in the world? I don't know really.

10. Losing weight with the lapband is a re-normalizing process. It is not like dieting. There are no good and bad foods. There is no success and failure. There is a pathway. It might wind a bit. It may have some ups and then downs. It might seem long and frustrating at times but the band is there..waiting. Waiting for the time when you are ready to use it and change the little things that add up to big things that add up to success. It is funny really I was all worried about what goal would mean and really I was already here all along. doing the best I can do to eat healthily and enjoyably and exercise so I can continue to enjoy everything that started me on this path and think of new and exciting things to try out.

Give Away

So my give-away's (yup you read right..there is an s meaning more than one). I have tried to think of stuff that would be lapband motivating but really as you can see in number 10...there is nothing really band specific that got me to goal. Here is the list of things that I am going to send out to anyone who comments during the week (this is your chance silent followers!!!).

give away 1. A set of lights for your bike (my first bike-riding was done at night). Now you too can ride your bike after dark. It is great exercise!!

give away 2. A big butt seat-put this on any bike and it will help you ease your butt into bicycling again. Use it for a while and then upgrade to a custom fit job. Just pay it forward by giving it to another new biker after you.

give away 3. A hand knit pair of fingerless gloves. You choose-green or black. Great for keeping your freezing hands warm after you lose weight.

There--that is enough to get us started (if I think of some more I will add). Now post me some questions and get your name in. First pulled on Sunday will get first pick of the prizes and so on after that.


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Goal Post Number 1

In honor of hitting the huge goal line in this lapband journey I am plotting and planning a week of posts. Feel free to make suggestions-The posting begins tomorrow. Here is the game plan thus far:

day 1-Monday-vlog (and begin the give-away comment pool)
day 2-Tuesday-before and after pictures (swimsuits included)
day 3-Wednesday-skin pics
day 4-Eating changes
day 5-what I have learned
day 6-Exercise?
day 7-what is next?

I am totally open to suggestions-questions-whims-if you post a question I will answer it on the vlog tomorrow in fact.

yesterday after an unplanned return home (ah to be anonymous) after the Thanksgiving holidays we all went up to a cool Christmas tree farm and cut down trees (two for my house and one for Nichole's). From left to right-Jamarri (Cinda's boyfriend),Cinda (third oldest daughter), David (hubby), Me, Meghan (second oldest daughter), Nichole (oldest daughter). Nichole is holding Grant (grandson) and Grace (youngest daughter) is down in front :)


It Happened!!

I don't have time to give you a long post right now but I wanted to pop on and let you all know...the scale read 164.2 this morning. Goal...


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Truck Butt?

Hi all,

I am snuggled up in a bed at my parents house typing this. Yesterday we drove on treacherous roads covered in ice to get here. I am a bit of a whimp and we had four wheel drive but it was fairly slow going and made me nervous (8 hours on the road normally a 5 hour drive). We all made it in one piece. David, Grace, Nichole, Grant and I came earlier in his truck and we were followed later in the afternoon by my two other daughters (Meghan and Cinda and Cinda's boyfriend). I really wanted to throw in my bike but the ice was just to bad and not worth hauling it up here.

As of yesterday I was holding at 165 but I have a feeling (totally might be disappointed) that I might have done all the right things to get that last pound off. I will pop on my mom's scale today to see...will also check in with you if it reads what I think it might. You know the perfect storm of eating day combined with many stops to the bathroom for water evacuation.

This weekend is not going to be the weekend I had hoped for. There was a bit of a mess at work last week. A colleague threw some accusations out in an email with my name smack in the middle of the ranting and it has backfired on her (thank goodness). My other colleagues circled the wagons around me (I am so grateful and happy about this). I am the new girl in town but there were very nice to me. I did fire a pointed email back in my own defense (she had no basis in her accusations nor was she accurate. In the process exposed several weaknesses in her own work). one of my bosses followed my email up with one of support and the second hauled this persons backside into his office and ...lets just say yelling and threats of job loss occurred). The result, however, is that I feel like I need to perform some extraordinary act of workiness to prove my worth-picking up the slack where my colleague left off. There is a pile to get done at this job and another pile for my teaching job.

The down side is my mother frowns on public displays of work during holiday visits. I am either going to have to escape to my room to do it or not do it. Escaping seems the best plan at this point. I also brought my knitting (which I would so much rather do!!)

Oh I almost forgot..the truck butt. My backside is just not up to sitting anymore. I think this is probably the best thing that could have happened for my weightloss but it is a pain in the butt for holidays. The truck ride up was agony..I kept shifting from cheek to cheek to try and take the pressure off my poor butt bone. When I arrived at my parents house I hauled all of the suitcases upstairs and put all of the food away (we will not discuss a touch of resentment over the fact I was doing the hauling alone). When I finally made it back into the the family packed living room the only chair left was the most uncomfortable rocking chair. I lasted about two hours with some up and down butt pressure reliving trips to the kitchen, bathroom etc. At 11 I just could not take it anymore and came to bed so that I could at least lay down.

The food...since so much talk is going on about today's menu I will put in my two cents. Not worried at all here. I have never really had too much trouble over the holiday itself. My issues have been the days after where I continue to eat like a pig with leftovers of sweets and fattening items. Really if you look at it rationally the Thanksgiving menu does not have to be scary at all...Turkey? heck that is a diet food. Mashed potatoes (band hell for me..one tablespoon tops). Gravy-sure a little but it mass quantities its not very good anyway. Stuffing-why just a tablespoon. a bit of veg to keep me regular and a spoon of cranberry and I am good to go.

The pies..well I cannot eat anything after 6 ish to avoid acid reflux in my sleep so if dinner goes through before then I can have a sliver of pumpkin (my favorite) and be satisfied. There will be cookies hanging around this afternoon. I might have one or I might pop out for a coffee but either way...no stress. Can you tell I have recovered from the PMS stressiness of the past couple of weeks? :) I am one in the zen calmness zone (it is a family holiday however so I will let you know how long I manage to keep my blood pressure down-we do tend to hmm debate strongly here).

Happy Thanksgiving to all in the states. Happy day to everyone else!!


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Battle of the Band :)

It is period time here at my house and sadly my band has opened itself right on back up. I was soooooo hungry last night for utter crap it is scary. I am still hanging within one or two pounds of my desirable 164 and if I gained any water weight because of the period build up this just might be the thing to get me there. That battling part however is that I am so hungry that I might just gain weight while I wait for the release of water retention to happen.

As long as there are no baked goods in the house. Last night at the bunco group I attend one of the girls provided us with an array of items from her culinary practice at baking school (she is training to be a pasty chef!!)...it was all to good to pass up. In my defense I only had partial pieces of each item but ohh...they were so very good and together I am sure enough calories to do damage.

Warning food porn: Hand whipped angel food cake (it tasted moist and like angel food cake but without the rubbery texture you get with a boxed or purchased one..this one was very cake-like in texture. Peanut butter cookies (no more needed). Apple cake (it had a nice balanced cinnamon flavor and a sweet crust that melted on your tongue with big pieces of apple). Almond wafers (lovely meringue cookie but with a slightly stronger crumb and a subtle almond after kick). There were savory things but they weren't made from scratch and I was in it for the flavor and I am a sweets kinda girl.

Thanksgiving is also not going to help my cause but I am trying the positive self-talk approach..... I have a lifetime to get it off...I have a lifetime to get it off...The band always works...the band will be there when I am ready.. :) Do you think it will work?


Monday, November 22, 2010

Mullet Lady

Just after I got the band my hair started falling out. Since then a steady stream of hair follows me around where ever I go. My hair coats the passenger side of my car (because i run my fingers through my head and then drop them on the passenger floor). I have hair on the back of the couch, on the floor near my 'spot' on the couch. Hair coats both of my bathroom floors and shows up in piles when I sweep. I don't have pets that live in my house but i might as well have...I am the shedder. My hair did thin in this process. It wasn't just the hair laying around that was problematic. I went from a two loop pony tail with my extra heavy and large pony tail holder to a triple loop.

Something started changing around about August though..I noticed that I had a a host of small fuzzy hair around my hair line. I used to have this hair as a child up until I really reached adulthood (I called them baby hairs as a child). Just a little background-i had really short, slow growing as a child. In fact I looked like a boy until I was almost 5. The short hair thickened for years and when length finally kicked in I had a really thick head of hair (thick strands as well as lots of it). When the weight-loss was accompanied by hair loss I was OK with it really. A little lost of hair was totally worth the pounds loss and I figured it would soon stop or at least slow down. Well it really didn't. I have shed hair for more than two years now. This summer it finally got to the point where I could see scalp through my hair. and then around August the fuzz came.

I noticed the fuzz but with my new job i got busy and kind of forgot about it until today when I attempted to put in a partial ponytail and noticed that it looked like I had a mullet!!! I now have a short man haircut hiding under my long hair. I am not really sure how to cope with this problem. if I pull back the top strands all you see is slightly fuzzy 2 inch long hair with really long strands hanging down my neck. When I wear it all the way back I just have a mans hair cut with a pony tail in the back (kind of looks like one of those rat-tails that some boys wear only thicker :))...

I used to have a really good hairdresser and I am debating going back to him. I got too cheap and i was breaking out in hives every time I tried to color my hair so I lapsed as a customer. With long hair Great Clips (the local walk in pay 15 bucks for a hack job) worked fine. Now...I need helppppppp.

Ok you long timers...did your lost hair come back and did you sport one short haircut under another? what did you do? I am even thinking I might need to try out a really short do for a while (this has never gone well for me..I always look like a guy when i have short hair).


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Scale Apology

I have been cussing out my scale of late. It has been acting very irregular and inconsistent. I even at one point threatened to throw my scale away and get a new 'old school' one with weights and sliders and everything. Well..my poor scale was running low on juice. This morning I tapped it with my foot. Then tapped it with my toe...nothing. The scale had died. There was a new battery sitting in the battery box that fit (I am sure it was one of those you can only buy a two pack when you need one batter situations). Well for once we did not just go out and buy more batteries. We actually looked in the box where batteries are supposed to be kept and voila...there the little funny sized battery sat waiting to be put into service.

My scale works again. She still did not give me the answers I desired (no gain, no loss..just sitting on 165). I will take that and keep my patience...or try to keep my patience...for the final drop to 164.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Food Log

10am-noon-1/2 Cup of Tea with milk and 1 tsp of sugar (I had a full cup but let it go cold and then it gave me a stomach ache read below for the weird story).
1:30-1/2 sugar cookie, 1/2c leftover mac and cheese.
2:30-sugar cookie
3:00-5:00-2 cups kettle corn, 4 dots (went to see Harry Potter)
7:00-1 pc personal Pizza hut cheese pizza
7:30-1/2c cream of broccoli soup (i ordered it but they forgot and I ate some of Grace's pizza)
9:00pm-Mango smoothie.

The tea story-
a couple of weeks ago I had trouble getting my tea down. I got scared and went in for an un-fill the same day. Well guess what gave me trouble again this morning. The same..i let a travel cup of tea with milk go cold and voila..my tummy responded with pain and threatened to come back on me. I am now wondering if I needed that un-fill after all!! I am doing OK just now--pretty good restriction so I am not going to complain too loudly but obviously I have found yet another food I need to watch out for. The good news is that cold tea isn't really that good anyway :)


I Have Horse Butt

I felt great yesterday after the riding. There is a reason you only have a lesson once a week. I am having difficulty moving (sore inner thighs, sore butt, sore arms)

I am off to Saturday job-more math.

CRAzy...but good for me.


Friday, November 19, 2010

Living Adventurously Post Band

I have pursued this stage in my life and lapband experience as an adventure of sorts. I don't feel great everyday and I don't think positively all of the time but when given the opportunity to try new things I have vowed to pursue them with enthusiasm. Today I took my first horseback riding lesson.

For several months now I have told you about my youngest daughter Grace's passion for horses and horseback riding. As she is continuing with pursuit of the hobby, doing the odd competition and we are planning on moving to a location where we can keep horses (as well as chickens and I hope a nice wool bearing sheep or goat) I need to learn how to handle a horse I figure. My daughters riding teacher suggested a few weeks ago that since I always clean out her stalls that she wold comp me a few horseback riding lessons in exchange for my stall cleaning.

I jumped and spent this morning at the stable on the back of Mr. T (an old Gray gelding). I like the guy. He is in his late 70's in people years and he is a tad stubborn and crotchety as one would expect an old cowboy horse to be. I am riding on an English saddle (and it is WAYYYY more comfortable than a western saddle). Mr T is an old school horse and although he has his bad habits (likes trying to nip at you while pulling on his saddle and stopping for no apparent reason in the middle of things) he is a good guy.

I rode him in a sand filled arena. First I got on the saddle (not too hard) learned how English rein holding is different than western. Then I spent the next 1/2 hour getting him to move around in a large oval. He tends to track back towards the teacher so I had to learn how to keep him moving and keep him walking against the wall. This took much more physical effort than I ever would imagine. It is a pretty decent inner thigh work out as you have to subtly push your calves against the horses sides every two or three steps. I also had to keep tugging at his right reign to keep him against the wall (two short straight jerks). I kept moving my whole body to get him to move and it just didn't really work. Funny really because it took lots of effort to keep him against the wall but to get him to turn a corner all I needed to do was look where I wanted to go and he could sense that (with a saddle between my butt and everything) and figure out where to go.

Mr T in his advanced age needs to be turned out to pasture and I have offered our riding teacher my place in exchange for letting me ride him on the long riding trail that will be located behind the place we have found and are interested in. She is happy about this as she needs another school horse and it is expensive to keep a non-working horse in stables. It will still cost a bit to keep him on our property but I think it will be worth it to have the mellow old guy when Grace and I go riding together.

The meandering point I am badly trying to make here is...my advice is to go for things that you normally would have avoided before getting the band. If you have the opportunity to do something out of the ordinary, eat something you haven't eaten before, talk to new people or see something exciting and new say YES and give it a try. It has yielded a whole host of new things that I enjoy as a result and a more active healthy lifestyle too!

Jen-on her blog talked today about feeling worried about posting her food because she feels like she eats differently than we do...perhaps somehow not the way of a model bandster? She does mention that every band path is different and I agree but i figured I had better own up to the fact that I either post really good or really bad eating days and rarely post the normal everyday in between stuff. In her honor-here is my day 2.

8 am-cup of tea.
9:45 am -skim peppermint mocha
12:30 pm- fish taco from my fav Mexican taco stand (just the insides and two bites of the tortilla)
2 pm- a sugar cookie
5 pm-two mini rice cakes
5 pm-an almond
6pm-another sugar cookie

Ok I ate the bits below but then promptly got stuck on something and am continuing to try and throw the thing up...it hurts. and yes even a girl on the cusp of goal is stupid enough to shovel goldfish down and chase it with noodles. I need to be hit on the back of the head!!!!
6:30-1/2 cup of goldfish
7:15-two bites of home-made mac and cheese (couldnt eat anymore because i ate the stupid goldfish).


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Long Hours, Pics and What I Ate.

I stayed up until 3am last night grading papers. I still have a stack more to do because I have made too many assignments for one of my classes...I don't think it is too much for them but 1. I let some of it stack up and 2. I don't make quick to grade kind of assignments. I expect them to do the math, solve problems and synthesize stuff. That takes words and work. My biggest mistake was to ask my students to each critique each others presentations. I then had the bright idea of typing the comments up and giving them back to students. I should have made a form and had them fill it in. I could have then cut off their names and given the forms back to them without typing. I will do that next time. I do love teaching this class though so they are worth the effort (well maybe not 3am but close to worth the 3am thing).

Lack of sleep always screws with my weight so I sort of kind of forgot to weight this morning. I had my bra on and was pulling on my pants when I spotted the scale and said..shoot forgot to stand on it. I skipped it and ran off to a full day of meetings and teaching.

I downloaded some pictures off my camera. I found the ones of my new dress from New York...I will upload a couple. I had a bit of fun with David and did a bit of model posing so don't think I am normally a dork (Ok so maybe I am normally a dork).

This dress is a real departure for me. I am normally a solid color wearer...I have always wanted to be one of those people who can pull of the slightly artistic hippy kind of look. I think this dress fits the category. I do not know if this is the style I will always settle on but it is kind of fun at this stage to explore different clothing styles and figure out what I want to be...my old fat style was does it fit? does it cover my stomach? is it comfortable? Ok..that is my style.

Ok the food list is making its way around the blogs--here is my food today.

Between 9-11 can of Diet Coke (I have been slipping back to the Diet Coke thing)
11-11:30- about 1/2 cup of my little trail mix (cashews, pretzels and goldfish)
12:30-1pm-nonfat peppermint mocha
1:30-2:00-had a buffet at work. After my coffee settled I had two bites of a home-made sausage my colleague makes, a tablespoon of home-made sauerkraut, a slice of pickle.
3:30-1/2 small corn muffin (leftover from lunch event)
9:00 pm-string cheese
9:30 1/3 cup lemon ice cream

My restriction seems to be creeping back. I will take it. Um..im off for some water. I suck at it.


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Teetering Again

This morning my scale read 165.4. I don't feel like I have been back to small meals or have even really felt optimal restriction this week (restriction is totally relative don't you think?). Yet my goal weight is a mere 0.5 pounds away. I know...don't throw stuff but I really think that if I care about staying 'normal' on the BMI scale I am gong to need to weight a little below the 164 mark in order to let the 3-4 pound fluctuation stay within the normal range.

Of course a good tummy tuck might do the trick too :). Several pounds ago I went in for a consult and the plastic surgeon was gagging to get her knife on my floppy skin..just wait until you see my naked stomach...It is a sight!! She even called me in August offering a 20% discount if I would book my surgery with them. It seemed a bit creepy to me (buy now and save money) plus my friend went with this place for some liposuction and isn't happy with the result. I am not sure at this point if I actually will ever get one...I'm still chewing on the idea.

I lost a follower this week and gained a few more. In addition I have some new commenters..hooray! I do love it when everyone leaves me a little note (even if it is to chew me out!)...Welcome to all of you. The first thing I do when someone leaves a comment that I am not already following is go on over and check out your blog and add you to my list on the right side of the screen. I do not always follow you back because I use the side bar to keep track of you. I will try and remember to do both though.

Such a small decimal...0.5 I hope it disappears quickly.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I need my fill back

I am back to scarfing food like a mad woman. Today has been one foodfest after another and if I weren't gluing my arse cheeks to the couch I would be in the kitchen sniffing around for something to stuff in my face. I just scarfed down more than one cup of tuna pasta! lunch was two pieces of homemade thin crust pizza. EEek! At this rate i am going to roll right up past 170 again and have to find some size 12 pants. I assume my period is right around the corner but sheesh...this makes me feel like thing were in the good old day (NOT) before I found decent restriction.

I am still feeling good about how far I have come but this trying to get one pound off or even maintain is a little scary when I can scarf down so much food. I will never not weight myself every day...ever again (I went years without weighing myself). It is just too easy to become complacent and let it roll out of control.

Can you tell i am more scared than mad or even depressed about this whole thing...I remember when eating 1/2 cup and that is it for dinner was depressing and scary. Now I am feeling the opposite. More than 1/2 a cup is freaking me out.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Got Bloat?

I got home today after a really busy day at work. My clothing-size 10 slacks (I wore them several times over the last couple of weeks); My slimming camisole thingy (have had it for a few months); my last remaining size extra large blouse and a size small cardigan. For some unknown reason the outfit was just not comfortable today.

When I popped home from work at lunch i noticed my hip bones were feeling achy...I figured it was from the camisole putting some pressure on them. I loosened it and sort of pulled the tight part up off my hips and ran off to another meeting. When I got home from that meeting I was talking to my oldest daughter Nichole...I complained (as I do)about my pants not fitting anymore or some such thing. She said, "well mom...are you bloated?" what? nahhh bloating never messes with my clothing size...I then pushed against my stomach and viola..not its normal floppy skin feeling but hard bloaty bloat!! Holy crap this 46 year old is experiencing her first size busting bloat. Frankly the bloat is kind of worth it just to say that :).

She then told me that the skinnier you get the more bloat effects your clothing size (WTF???...Did you all know that???) :) I am being a smarty pants here but sheesh...who would have thunk eh? This prompted me to go try on my fat clothes. My small clothes were uncomfortable so what is a girl to do...well go find some loose and comfy ones right?

What I found...I have been asked for before....These are the only pair of super fat pants I saved. They are size 26 and I put them on and had pictures taken! I am tired of waiting for that nebulous 164 anyway.

I wore these jeans to teach middle school in. I remember the day I bought them..I pulled my normal size 24's off the shelf at Walmart and They didn't fit. I had to go up a size and was pretty irritated. I was a little worried that my teaching uniform (colored jeans and shirts that were not tucked) would have to change. I wobbled down a bit from this size for a while to as far as a 22 and then rolled back up again. After I modeled them for these pictures Grace wanted to try them on.

It was quite cool to put these on and have them immediately fall to the ground.

I do like Over-alls :) Maybe some short straps? and clown shoes?
I can almost pull them up over my boobs. Sleeping bag anyone?

I picked this top and my leggings to wear for these 'after but not quite photos' because they look similar to my first pictures. I will eventually show you my wobbly bits (I have taken them but am holding onto them for a bit)..My stomach really looks the same as it did before I lost weight (round, floppy and full of stretch marks. Believe me that pic isn't pretty (Dont' worry I will get the guts to post it...eventually). With clothes on now..oh so much better.

Look at my header...Even I can see the difference :)

Nichole (my oldest daughter and the photographer) said I Looked like a dancer :)..it almost made me cry. The first pictures were so scary for me and now..to hear this old body compared to a dancer...it just makes me want to dance :)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Food Adventure-Vietnamese Food

It has been a long time since I tried something new. Today just fell in my lap. We were kicked out of our house because the real estate agent was having another open house (she really is working her tail off for us and I appreciate it tremendously). Anyhoo...We loaded up a bunch of recycling in the back of the truck and headed off to the bottle bank (we pay and get 5 cents for each when we recycle). Across the parking lot was a Vietnamese restaurant. I have never ever tried Vietnamese food but have had it recommended to me recently so...We said what the heck.

The place-Pho Tango was hopping with customers many of them who had the distinct look of being of Vietnamese descent. I always say that the best place to get ethnic food is from the place where the customers appear to match the ethnicity of the restaurant (kind of a if the locals like it so will I). Well I figured if I did or didn't like Vietnamese food I was going to find it out at this place because from appearances it looked like it would be authentic.

I ordered Grilled salmon on rice. Grace ordered Beef rice noodle soup and David had chicken fried rice. Each and every dish was delicious! I ate much more than one cup of food (man o man the fill has gone again). Grace's soup is a Sunday special at this place and I will for sure be ordering it next time. It had a savory flavor but with a cinnamon spiciness that was excellent.

After my first bite of Davids Fried rice my immediate response was...we Aren't at Panda Express Toto...

It was fresh with big old pieces of scrambled egg and chicken and tasty carrots, green onions and peas. My salmon was crispy in the right places and sprinkled with sesame seeds, green onions and I added a bit of lovely vinegar sauce (see the bowl at on the picture with me in it).

Yummmy-I highly recommend trying Vietnamese food!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Art Makes Things Better

After my series of meetings yesterday my lovely oldest daughter took Grace and my grandson Grant to the zoo. That means for the second time this week I have a glorious few hours of alone time. During that time I did a bit of knitting (finishing up a baby sweater for a friend) and later (much later) in the evening after some chocolate therapy involving cookie baking. I free-handed a map of the world on my ginormous canvas. The really amazing bit (because I always start these things dubious as to whether I can pull it off) is that the map I sketched looks awesome! Sure the Saudi Arabian peninsula is a tad smoother than real life but hey...I'm all about impressionism. I just pulled a world map up on my computer pulled out a mechanical pencil and went to town.

This painting cannot sit around for more thinking as we are having another open house tomorrow and It is really too big to hang around tucked in behind the TV-I need to get it up on the wall :). When I get home from work today I am going to mix up a greeny-blue ocean and then paint the land masses a plain beige-y brown. The real goal is digging out money, tickets and stuff from our trips. David already has his tube ticket from London. I have 20 pesos from Mexico and I am sure there is some Germany stuff hanging about. Now the question is...do I wire? glue? pin? or use some-other way to fix the stuff on my art.

Now..time to stop thinking about art and start thinking about Pre Calculus...Or..is that art too? :)


Friday, November 12, 2010

Continuous PMS?

I think my peri-menopause is back with a vengeance. I have had two mini-periods this month and a serious attitude problem over the last several days is finally making me think that I have some kind of a hormonal imbalance gong on. I have a friend once than said PMS isn't irrational it provides clarity about the things that really bug you and that normally you are too easy going to say anything about.

well...there is a lot of crap that bugs me as can be seen in my last few posts and believe me they have been made more pleasant for your viewing pleasure. I have not had an optimal attitude with anyone around here.

I weighed-it is the same as yesterday.

My shopping trip yielded a picture frame for a watercolor that a friend gave to me. and a very large canvas to paint. I now have two paintings in my head and I am going to get them going this weekend. I haven't really talked about it or even done any paintings lately but I do dabble in a bit of water color on canvas. I have a large painting in the living room that I painted a few years ago (large Georgia O'Keefe-like leaves). A couple of weeks ago I found canvases on sale at Craft warehouse and have since found a photo of a tree with yellow leaves that I want to try to get down on a square canvas I have and then I have world map idea. I want to paint it on the very large canvas and then add bits and pieces that we collect as we travel.

Grace has another day off today and I have two 1/2 hour meetings at nearby schools. On another aspect of my job-I am waiting for a colleague to get his/her part of a job done so I can do mine but that we are supposed to have a meeting over on Monday (Yup..having some 'clarity' about this one too).

Ok getting off to knit and paint and meet and kid wrangle and do my best to avoid 'clarity'.


Thursday, November 11, 2010

All About Attitude

I just reread my earlier post...well I am in a foul mood eh? So two+ years ago I weighted 300 pounds and I probably would have posted exactly the same post. Apparently I need to get a grip and stop focusing on the stinking damnable 1 pound I have left. I know for a fact I would have snorted in derision at my 'skinny' friends moaning about the same exact things.

Apparently the lesson here is no matter where I am on the scale I will not be truly happy with what is says (of course unless it shows a drop) :)

I'm off to shop...retail therapy always helps.


My Flipping Scale is a Piece of Crap :)

It read 165 again today and then 168 and 167. I seriously need a real scale with weights and stuff. I have no idea where I would station the thing in the house. My current scale his its home at the food of my bed subtly placed next to a cedar chest. A big old serious scale would probably have to go in the garage next to the treadmill and bikes. Oh wait--did I get all excited and thank my scale a few days ago? Why yes, yes I did...well she is definitely out of favor today.

I feel pretty happy that the running and chocolate balanced. I am back to that hungry place before I had my last fill but I am kind of afraid to go in and ask for a re-fill. I am on my second breakfast already this morning (have only been up for an hour). I started with a Greek Yogurt and have just added a bowl of steel cut oatmeal. Today I am going to try and go for a volume diety kind of day. That is..as much food as I can get for as little amount of calories. The chocolate was in one of those get home starving and start tearing the fridge apart for anything I can stuff in my mouth kind of moments...

Up to now this lapband gig has been more about making good choices then it has been about dieting. I can feel myself shifting into diet zone and I am not sure if it is wise or not. It is a piddly amount of weight but will it send me off spiraling into my old success followed by failure and then more failure patterns of behavior? Am I really ready now to take this on? We are talking 1-3 pounds (depending on what the scale really says). That should not be too difficult but....

On the life not related to my band front. Grace and I have no work/school in honor of veteran's day. David has no day off. I was really looking forward to family bonding time...I was wrong and feeling very resentful about it.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

$@^%@$%$ Chocolate

It was in the fridge. It was British. I ate it. Thank goodness I jogged.


Poopy Scale-Bike Clothes On

To Quote Sheniqua--The G-Damned scale is rolling all over the place again and I did nothing (OK almost nothing) to deserve it. Today it rolled between 166-169 on several hop-on hop-off iterations. I think I might just ask for an old school expensive beast of a weight clibratable scale for Christmas. I am sure I will be unhappy with that one but at least then I know the problem is all mine. Now I don't want to be too harsh on my poor scale (In fact I am more inclined to name that stupid box of chips than I am my band) but sheesh I would prefer she be good to me all of the time now just occasionally.

So in order to battle my evil scale I hatched a plan this morning. Instead of putting on my jean and stuff I went right into my drawer and pulled out my bike gear. I am as I type layerd up for a ride. I wasn't fast enough and now I am on babysitting duty with said gear on. Mycold weather bike gear: pair of black leggings, Bike shorts, white tank top, long sleeved t-shirt). If I actually were going outside I would add my rain coat, fingerless gloves, balaclava (gortex tight fitting hood with just room for my nose and eyes to peek out), bike helmet, socks and tennis shoes (still too much of a chicken to clip into the pedals).

Anyyyy how...because I am now babysitting and cannot leave a 2 year old watching dinosaur train while I go out for a quick spin around the neighborhood I will be forced to go out into the garage and get on David's bike for a stationary spin. I don't really like stationary riding because 1. No hills (thus no downhills) 2. A messy garage is hardly fun to look at. 3. There is no getting somewhere.

Today's plan: Water Water Water, three meals (next up oatmeal for Breakfast), The bike. I really want 164 by Thanksgiving.

UPDATE: I tried the stationary bike but could not figure out how to change David's gears and it was like spinning air on the thing. Soo...I got on our long dusted up treadmill for a try. (drum roll please)...I ran for 15 freaking minutes in a row!!!! I hit the program 6 plan that is full of inclines and hills but stupidly thought it would all be walking. It quickly went too fast and after 5 minutes of walking and 15 minutes of medium speed jogging it went up to an incline of 5 and speed of 5 (I was afraid I would fall off the treadmill) so I hit stop when it wouldn't let me slow it down or I would still be jogging out there. I am pumped...that is the coolest thing I have ever done. I am gonna do that AGAIN :)

164 here I come :)


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Still holding off from Goal and Emotional Crud

The scale has removed its favor but I am satisfied with just hanging around down here at my lowest weight since 7th grade age 13 for all of the international followers. I am experiencing a little bit of a bounce effect but only 1-2 pounds this time. definitely not the full 7 pound bounce I had with the last round.

I have decided (whether right or wrong) that the key to my getting a weight drop requires a quick and radical cut back in my food. After reaching the bottom of a drop I can then up the food a bit and eat more normally again. My last drop was the result of my unfill day (one partially returned tea with milk, one orange/peach juice and about 1/4 cup of cashews and goldfish crackers). The next day I had 1/2 cup of soup for lunch and 1/2 cup of soup for dinner with a few bites of solids in between. Those two days brought the drop to 165. I have since returned to solids on a reasonably tight band. I have not eaten anything out of the ordinary nor have I had any one meal that was any larger than 'normal'--1/2 a cup or so. There have been snacks during the day but no food at night.

I added in a bit of exercise this week with a couple of bike rides and a couple of manic cleans. Yesterday my exercise was a marathon nap :)..OK not really any calories burned on that one.

Something I have not really talked too much about is the relationship stuff with my husband. He does occasionally read this (although I am never quite sure how much). Things from my perspective are different post weight-loss. I married a guy who didn't really care about my body (I was at my highest weight when we met and married and was quite pleased that he was not the shallow type). He loved me for my mind :)...Now that I am down here in this much better and I like to think more attractive looking place his preferences haven't changed-he is still a brain guy. The problem with this is that I would occasionally like to have more conversation/grabbing/noticing of the physical changes. An occasional wow you look great in that or something?? I am not getting this response from him. I am not even sure if I am expecting too much to get it.

Last night I asked him what he felt was the role of partners in a relationship in terms of each others emotional needs. As with all 'feelings' kinds of questions he dodged and weaved and avoided an answer. What do you all think partners should provide each other in relationships? Are your partners emotional discussion avoiders? Have your expectations changed? has your partner rolled with the punches and changed with you?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Funny Tummy and Goal?

I woke up very hungry today. I started my usual breakfast avoidance techniques by popping things in my mouth while I make Graces school lunch, a bit of dry cereal here a goldfish there. It dawned on me that yesterday I actually chose some sort of a breakfast. I picked breakfast today instead of tea-I will save the tea for later.
Today I took a little less than 1/4 cup of honey bunches of oats and sprinkled them on top of my greek strawberry yogurt. Despite all of my starving Hoover the food feelings before the yogurt-I am now stuffed on just three bites of my yogurt concoction. I wonder how much snacking around my band I have been doing lately? I bet at least some of my calories are going in that way. I find it weird however (and maybe it has been this all along but I was to oblivious to notice) that my stomach can tell me I'm going to die of hunger when in fact my band is there and can change that reading in three or four easy bites. I am going to assume that as before-my body is fighting to keep on these last few pounds by making me hungrier than usual.

Today the scale went back to its inconsistent ways and gave me a double read. I got on and it read 167..I got on again...164.6...again..168...again 164.6...again 168.2...again 164.6. Now I could claim goal here...I did get a repeat reading of 164.6 but I also got that run of 168's. I am patient and don't really have time (or another person) to take all of those pictures I promised you so I am going to wait for a more solid scale reading before I claim goal...I can feel it coming however. My new size 10 slacks yesterday have already gotten baggy and I think I could slide myself into an 8 but it would be a tight one I think.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

165 and Holding

The scale is still in the 165's but creeping closer to the big 164. Today was an excellent exercise filled day with minimal foodage. It was actually one of those rare days when I really felt like I was eating to live not living to eat. These types of days are not common even with the band.

My exercise was all work related. I taught my math class in the morning then came home took a trip to home-depot and the gravel guy. In the afternoon David and I ripped up a particularly large scratched bit of flooring and he replaced it with new boards. I then laid 1/2 a cubic yard of pea gravel in our side yard. Finally I hauled several trips of larger rocks to various places in the back yard that needed tidying up.

At 9:30 or so I painted our laundry room and did some cleaning until 11:30pm when I fell into bed looking forward to an extra hour. I gloriously work up to daylight this morning (Hooray) at 7:45 (I love not having to get up in the dark).

Today our real estate agent is having another open house so we are madly sprucing things to get ready. I have stopped to post while I scarf down a Greek yogurt. Go read Dinnerland (I am sorta where she is at on the breakfast idea anyway).

Happy Sunday :)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Pain In My Side-

No pound today but do I have a pain. Right after I typed my last post I took off with my grandson to the store. While shopping my port started hurting like crazy. Worse even than when I had it installed and second surgery to fix it. Maggie did punch in (right away and with no poking around) to pull out that .2 cc's of saline but geezzz this feels like she pummeled me like a punching bag. If it doesn't clear up by Monday I guess I am going to have to call in.

I don't suppose any of you have had port infections or anything? Being the paranoid hypochondriac that I am; I am running through an ever more devastating list of scenarios as to what is going on. It is probably nothing but my imagination can make a hangnail into cancer.

I went to a party last night (Guy Fawkes) and although I didn't go off the deep end I did not behave well enough to get a second pound off in a day. Today is going to be crazy with work and then getting the house ready for an open house tomorrow. So eating and drinking will not be a priority. If I can fit in another bike ride I will.

Happy Saturday all.

Friday, November 5, 2010

T minus 1

After my last post I went for a quick bike ride around my neighborhood. I then popped home for a quick shower before my babysitting duties started. Well...I took a quick stop at my beautiful, awesome, accurate, never did a mean thing to me scale and viola...it read....165.

I think I can do whatever it takes to get that final pound off and I will be doing so for the next however many days that takes. Watch this space for my goal day blog-o-party. The events will include:

1. Give away-s.
2. Before and After pics
3. Naked fleshy saggy skin pics
4. a vlog
5. Tina's home-made Turtle award.

As this is my second post of the day-check below this one for my Thank you Jen!!!

Dong Much Better and a Thank You

I am good today. I am still a little achy in my chest region (The only time I remember this kind of ache is after the one time I had food poisoning and after a particularly horrendous stuck episode (Roast Beef anyone?). I have not yet had my morning tea but I had a couple of nibbles of my husbands bagel and cream cheese and it has happily gong through my little band. Other than my two nibbles I am going to stick to known safety items today (soups, tea and maybe a coffee).

Jen sent me an awesome header!!! I have no idea how she managed to get the resolution so much better than I could but THANK YOU JEN!!! I fiddled and fiddled with the last one and although I liked it better than my first one this one is wayyyyy better.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Band Trauma

I had a delicious enchilada concoction I put together last night for dinner. It was soft, it was moist but it had some left-0ver roast beef in it. Apparently my band has developed an even more serious aversion to all thing beef than I realized. I ate my meal with no problems but it sat in my pouch for hours and hours. I went to bed and was still burping through dinner from 6pm. I had a cup of tea hoping that it would help to finish cleaning things out but apparently I was wrong.

This morning I took my nice cup of tea to work with me sipping away. around about 9:20am I had to excuse myself from a meeting and return a bit of said tea. My response to this event was WTF? its tea for goodness sake. I racked my brain for some offending food that might have passed my lips this morning..did I pop a nut in my mouth while making Graces lunch? nope a goldfish perhaps? no again. Just the tea went down and just the tea was returned. I have never thrown up a simple liquid before (except in the surgeons office testing a fill).

I worried but stayed calm. After our morning meetings were done a few of us went off to chipotle for lunch (well the others had lunch). I had a bottle of peach orange juice (hoping that this liquid would stay down). I nursed the drink until 3pm (yes three hours) and got it down but it was not comfortable at all. At 3 I called the surgeons office and got an appointment with my favorite nurse at 3:30 (There was a bit of a nail biting moment when they hinted that I would have to wait until tomorrow).

Maggie gave me a bit of a hard time about needing and unfill. After our discussion she thought that the enchilada might have irritated my band (just a bit of an understatement). She took out the .2 cc's i got put in last week.

The details are interesting...

so we were talking away and I did the stream of consciousness blather i sometimes do about what all of the reasons might have been and all of my fears about what I did to my poor band. While talking we covered a lot of ideas but a couple of important ones are: I told her that I was concerned that my pouch doesn't protest as much as it used to and just lets stuff sit in it instead of gagging and pbing the food back. She agreed that yes my pouch might have become used to the food being there and more tolerant. She also had me drink a cup of water with no fluid in my band (holy shmoly...i gulped it down and it was FINE...Felt pretty nifty after so long a time of being a sipper).

-just a note here-I would never give up my fill. I enjoyed reliving my old gulpy habits for a moment and I talked about getting a burger when I felt really open a few days ago but being a size 10 and having the energy that I do...it is worth every missed burger and every lost gulp that I will ever have.-Ok back to the story

She then asked me what the heck a pb meant (made me feel a tad stupid for even using it really). I said productive burp and then proceeded to describe to her the difference between being stuck and throwing up and throwing up after eating too much. I told her the term productive burp and compared it to a baby urping up too much milk. She then said..is that what all of those online banders call it? (in a slightly mocking tone)...Ok I might be sensitive to it (and don't get me wrong I still like her) but...she needs to do some research about actually living with this darn hung of plastic in our bodies.

I really don't think she (or any of the surgeons for that matter) are doing studies about living with a band. They just do their quantitative blinded crap and are muddling around in the dark as far as the actual details of the experience.

It is highly annoying really..

but...the un-fill provided relief. I can drink again and had a few goldfish and a cashew on my way to work and on my way home. Things are A-OK my inner chest area (I am assume stomach) feel a little sore.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Rocking It Today

We are having a beautiful fall day here in Oregon (the temperature is already 69 degrees f. I forgot to weigh myself today but my jeans feel loose so I am figuring that I would have been pleased with the dial. I was hungry this morning but had a small breakfast followed by a partial cup of tea.

I am even spending some knitting time with public television. I am not hungry for lunch so am giving it a pass until I get hungry.

Tomorrow will be a juggle and hectic but just now...for now...I am stealing a little leisure time.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Right Path is Back in View

Today was better. After a third night of horrible acid indigestion because I ate crap into the evening and did not give my tightened band a chance to push it through before going to bed I finally decided that it was time to fly right.

This morning it occurred to me that over time my little banded tummy has become less sensitive. At one time I would have taken credit for this by saying that I had merely figured out that chewing more and eating less was the trick but I am now not so sure. Yesterday I ate two muffins (not huge but not small either) during a morning meeting because I was hungry. I do not think that my chewing or stopping before I ate a whole one can be attributed to this. On the other hand however my evening food sat for hours in my stomach and did not go through until a couple of hours after I was up and running around. In the past that muffin would have lunched back up in no time and now..it goes it stays and it goes through eventually.

As most of us do- I have a little fear (hence my well-behaved behavior today) is that I have done something like stretch my esophagus and there is just flat out more room in there. Who knows if this is the fact. I am always honest at the doctors office and she didn't seem concerned at all but then I am miss golden band child in their office and I think that fact has earned me a golden ticket to whatever I want. I am going to be a model bandster for the next few days and monitor that night acid reflux issue.

I have also come to the conclusion, after a conversation with my daughter that this is enough. Whether I Lost another pound or not I am happy to be a size 10. This last push has made me a little crazy and it is just not worth it. I will carry on with the fill, do what is right food-wise, and get back onto my exercise. If I lose more great if not-this is good enough. I will not get another fill with losing weight in mind. It will only be to maintain.

My next goal is family fitness. These last two years has been about getting my own fitness shit together. Yes we have all learned and changed. Yes they have gained benefit from our turning away from fast food and toward home-cooked healthy meals but still. We can slip back so easily and have lately. My 9 year old needs more than an example from me. She needs someone to help her navigate her own eating and exercise goals and someone to exercise with her.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Doing a Bit of Spinning

The sense of control that I have always resurrected with my previous fills is not happening this time. I am feeling a tad frustrated. I need to get my head on straight but am having a hell of a time getting it done.

Now I am not a total negative thing. This last fill is keeping my weight right at 166-68. I am happy about that. I have clothes that fit comfortably and nicely. The food however is not good. I am not eating meals but instead snacking on sub-optimal foods. It is weird really because my old no-go foods or foods that have always been limited by the band seem to have now changed.

I can eat cookies, muffins doughnut holes, and candy with no ill effects. It is more difficult to eat 'real' food than it was before my latest fill. For lunch I only managed 1/2 a chicken taco and dinner was tuna salad with sweet pickles. I have been compelled to then eat a plethora of snacks in between these small meals. Today I was decent until about lunch and then lost the plot.

my lightbulb moment-In the midst of all of my cocky self-patting and being high on success I forgot one little thing. The weight will not stay off effortlessly. I will need to pay attention to nutrition and healthy eating for the rest of my life. I have learned that food is not really that important. a skipped meal is meaningless but what I choose to put in my mouth when I choose to put it in there is very important. That food needs to be nutritious, delicious and of high quality. Failing to plan for that and think it through is failing myself. In failing myself I will not only fail to keep the weight off but I will also fail to nourish myself and risk osteoporosis (that bit is a direct quote from my nurse) among other nutritional deficiencies.

I am currently spiraling out of food control because I am not attending to this importance. Man where are you boobs when I need a good slap on the back of the head.