Tuesday, June 30, 2009

arghg-Stuck Scale

You would think I would get used to the fact that I lose in spurts. It never gets easier and I never gain patience. It has now been forever!! since I reached the 243 weight and I am still here bobbing around at it. Never below it always at it or just above it. I am still very tight..I still do not eat very much but here I stay. It gets sooooo frustrating that I could scream.

The good thing is that with the band the closest I can get to a bender is a face plant into some ice cream or buy a chocolate bar. I am frankly not interested in either of those right now (maybe the band working??). I just want the @#%$@$#^#$@#% scale to move.

On a good note-even with the weight i have lost thus far I notice that my activity levels around the house are increasing. I am not too tired to shift my arse and go out and do the yard, or paint, or clean. The down side is I don't want to sit around in this nice weather and work at my computer.

My goal today is to sit and correct the papers that came in this weekend (3) and then go off to the pool for the moms social hour (you take your kid to the pool and chit chat and knit/crochet/etc. with the other moms at the pool. I live in one of those neighborhoods where you pay a yearly fee and for the perk to have a park that runs in fingers throughout the neighborhood and in the middle of that park is a small outdoor swimming pool, gym and meeting space (there are downsides to this scheme but I will save the moaning for another post). The pool opens for open swim at 1:30 and Grace (m youngest) is happy to swim until 5pm. We are all getting super tanned as we go at least 3 times a week and sometimes for a while on the weekends.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Good Day

Today was a good one-

I cleaned, worked, ate and drank well. The exercise is still lacking but baby steps right?


I commute 1.5 hours down to the university where I work. I only go down once a week usually but my colleague at work decided that since I always do the driving that he would come up to my house today to work together. Well sometimes it is easier to commute down as I have to clean my house before it is habitable for company!! We are all slobs in the house and with all of the projects we have going at once (kitchen, family room fireplace, backyard fence) the mess is a bit greater than usual.

Well today the looming visitor forced me to do a mad clean. as a result I am now sitting in a tidier than usual house. It is amazing how much better and empowered a clean house can make me feel. Of course like food-losing a pound does not necessarily make me eat less when faced with a bit of cake-likewise the joy I feel at being in a clean house does nothing to make me stay on top of the untidiness.

--well for now it is clean and I am rolling with the joy.


My work colleague came over to prepare for a summer class we are team teaching at the end of July. Sometimes the two of us tend to go off task and talk about the metaphysical purpose of mathematics education in life and future research (I exaggerate). We managed to stay on target today and get the whole class planned, a short list of problems to give to our students and lay the groundwork for a presentation proposal for our big research conference in the Spring.

I love it when collaboration really works well and the end product is better because of the group effort. So often collaboration becomes a divide and conquer or veiled competition. This colleague and I work well together and what we have come up with will hopefully be a really good result of that work.

Food and drink

I skipped the fruit smoothie and instead had my morning dose of caffeine (I drink diet coke-dont throw things at me via the WWW). and took two prunes out the door on my way to my daughters swim team practice.

After practice my daughter is always starving hungry so we have an early lunch these days. I made grilled cheese again (I like it and she loves it). I had 1/2 a sandwich.

I drank 3 big glasses of decaf iced tea with frozen fruit used as Ice (I was out of ice). As a result my only afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of melted fruit.

After my colleague left it was dinner time so we went out to a local deli for dinner. I chose chicken and dumplings but it was more like chunky chicken soup in a clear broth. I had about 2 oz of chicken and two largish piece of cooked carrot and was full.

I just made a big smoothie to eat and put into calorie King to see how my calories (for the whole day and the smoothie). The smoothie-1 cup frozen fruit, 3/4 cup of milk, 1 banana, 5 animal crackers put in at the last.

The banana I think gives the smoothie a bitter and slimy consistency-I am going to skip it tomorrow and see what I get. The cookies are awesome! They add a crunch like a cheescake blizzard from Dairy Queen with only a 30 calorie addition.

In the end I ingested 750 calories today. The smoothie was the highest calorie meal of the day (but either the cookies or banana made it thick enough that it took me 30 minutes to get down. I had to stop 3 times for a break. My fat is high from the cheese but the protein levels are right on.

I do not know if I will do my calories everyday but it is interesting to see how many calories I am eating and the range-almost half as much today as yesterday.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Yearn For Fullness

I have been Hungry for the past few days. I am not sure what the deal is-It is almost like my body has finally woken up to the fact that I am losing weight and is fighting back (as it did every other time I dieted). I have a huge compelling desire to take big bites, and eat a big portion of food. I have tried-believe me-but of course my band still holds me to the 1/2 cup rule and I cannot eat anymore without paying the piper with a bit of sliming or full on PB (don't worry I am stopping most of the time).

I am currently up 3 pounds. This has happened before. I hit an all time low and then it bounced back up wiggling around and then drops back down to the low weight again (or lower).

Today I have made a concerted effort to up my protein level. I finally found a protein powder I can stand (vanilla whey). I also bought some frozen mixed fruit and for breakfast had a fruit smoothie-1/2 cup frozen fruit, one scoop of protein power (20 grams protein), 1 cup of milk and 1/2 a banana. I was hoping it would fill my hungry void with its volume and help me stay satisfied longer with the protein. So far it has not really done that and I am concerned at the increased calories I am ingesting in the process.

Everything says I need a fill except the actual eating volume thing. I am going to give it another week and see how things go. If I am still having this problem I will make and appointment and go in for a tiny fill.

Todays food:

Fruit smoothie-recipe above (it ended-up quite large-2 cups or so)
1/2 grilled cheese sandwich
1 cup fruit smoothie (with full scoop protein. I made one for my daughter and added protein to what was left)
3 oz halibut filet
1 bite mashed potatoes
1 cup milk
2/3 c honey bunches of oats
1 oz chocolate (husband shared)

grand total calories-1350. It is amazing I managed to make it that high when I feel so deprived.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Feeling Better

I am on the mend today-

I am not really hungry again yet-I managed lunch and some bits and bobs throughout the day. I cannot really tell if the stomach pain I feel is pain or hunger. My band is still very much working. It has tightened up if anything.

today: 2 saltine crackers, 1/2 grilled cheese sandwich minus one big bite of crust, 1 oz pf cheese, 1 oz of thinly sliced chicken, 4 pretzels.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sick Day

Today was a weirdly Ill day. Sometime last evening my stomach started complaining. Slightly upset feeling and just plain full with hints of pain. I came home from playing bunco and complained a bit more, finally going to bed. Around daybreak I woke up with the most agonizing stomach ache.

I have had problems with my stomach before. A few years ago I went through a period of indigestion/irritable bowel/gallbladder problems. The reason I gave a list is no one ever figured out what was going on despite scans, a regime of antacids, a gallbladder removal and stomach soothing meds. None of them really worked and I just got to where i Lived with the pain (usually made worse by high stress situations). The pain went away after about a year and I figured out that if I avoided eating anything rich at night I would not have stomach pain in the middle of it. After the band the problem went away-completely.

So back to today-I got up sat on the couch had a big burp and the pain eased so I went back to sleep on the couch and had the pain build up and burp out two more times. This of course made me afraid to drink or eat anything. I finally sipped a bit of water periodically throughout the morning and did my daily running around (swim team practice, community college for my third oldest daughter to buy books). At noon we stopped and I treated us all to smoothies (I had a protein one). and then came home and spent from noon to three laying on the couch in the living room while my youngest worked on some serious TV time. I had a headache, stuffy sinuses, a stomachache ....arghghgh I was too sick to move so just laid their staring at the ceiling.

My husband came home at three and I attempted to drink a few sips of Diet Coke (yep I drink it) and went shopping with him for household stuff. We stopped for some dinner and finally I started to feel better. I don't know if it was caffeine, food,or just the flu thing making an attempt to strike me down as it has with some of the others in the house. Or maybe just payback for the poor eating over the last couple of days.

So while laying looking at the ceiling all sorts of things ran through my head like-what if my band slipped? what if I have stretched my pouch? what if I really do have the flu and start barfing and mess up my band, what if I have had such poor nutrition that my body is breaking down....blah blah you know the drill the litany of hypochondriac-like fears that we get whenever we get any illness or condition that might have similar symptoms to a band malfunction.

arghghhhhhhh I hope I get over this soon! I think some early nights and on-point vitamin, water drinking, and good eating days or in order. Even if it is just a bug it can't hurt.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Confession Time-Goodness Knows How Many Calories

I went off the diet deep end yesterday. I had a full day. A job interview in the morning. Home to gather maps and my tape recorder and then off to Central Oregon (4 hour drive) to interview two more of the students I work with for data collection. During this driving extravaganza I had an foody emotional lapse. I am sure it happens and I am trying to climb back on the horse today.

Breakfast-2 saltine crackers.

I get tired of the small portion sizes that I can eat right now. I miss my old habit of drive up window fast food meal and eat while I drive around on my trips over the mountain. Well bad voice in my head won and I stopped for a McFlurry (approx 400 calories) and a snack wrap (chicken, tortilla, lettuce). I ate the ice cream first (because It slips through my band and I can eat it all) and chased it with 1/2 of the snack wrap (that is all I can eat of one).

I went over the pass had a lemon drop at my first interview and then at my second had a diet coke and ordered soup (safe bandster food during and interview when I have to concentrate on the interview). The problem was that instead of a chunky soup It was potato water-there was nothing in the soup-just broth. I was of course hungry by the time I drove out of town from the last interview (not good). I stopped at dairy queen and had a second icecream chased by 1/2 a corndog (again all I could eat). I was then stuffed and did not eat another thing (I got home at 11pm and went to bed about an hour later).

I bet I ate 1500 calories at least and really did not eat that much (except for the quantity of ice cream)....so not good choices.

Today I was not hungry-and I am really gassy not sure why but I have been burping like crazy. For breakfast-1 slice of cheddar cheese (140 calories), mid morning low cal protein smoothy (180 plus whatever calories a scoop of whey protein is), lunch 1 cup of beef vegetable soup (120 calories), a chocolate bar (250 calories)

total-being generous about 800 calories. I didnt eat dinner because I wasn't hungry but I think I will go try and figure some thing out-I need more protein as I am lucky to have gotten in 22 grams right now. My doctors suggests 40 but I am not very good at skipping the stupid sugar items for nutrition.

Again I was driving all over the place with a full day-down to my university for a 9am meetings, a lunch meeting at another town and then home for an hour before I went off to play bunco. I got home around 10pm and I am sitting here feeling toasty tired. Tomorrow-the only sweets I am going to ingest are in fruit!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly


I lost three pounds (finally) yesterday. I hopped on my scale today and I am down to 243 yayyyyyyyyyy hoorayyyyyy...I thought that I had finally reached my husband's weight but alas no he is still skinnier than I am. I have been married twice and both times I have outweighed my husband. I know it is a silly desire but someday I want to weigh less...I have 9 pounds to go. If that doesn't get my arse moving and exercising I don't know what will. I have a dream that someday my husband will be able to carry me.

Bad-We have two kinds of flu in the house (I am hoping they are the same flu but manifesting in two different ways). There is the snotty flu- my oldest daughter, Her husband, My third daughter and I all have the snotty kind. It comes with snot, fever, a bit of upper respiratory angst and full sinuses. I have had it since Monday and am just starting to feel better and drain.....

The Ugly-

The second type of flu in the house is the barfy kind. My husband, second oldest daughter (who came for an ill-fated visit this weekend) and My grandson have this version. Besides copious amounts of vomit and poop (nothing compared to my measly band malfunctions) my husband seems to be a vomiting fainter. Last night as he embraced my kitchen sink making hideous gut wrenching noises I walked into the kitchen to offer to hold his hair (NOT) he passed out cold in the middle of the kitchen falling like a large redwood in a forest straight back. His glasses launched off his head right at me. as I dodged the flying glasses to make sure he wasn't going to go into some kind of a seizure (needless to say freaking out a little) his eyes popped open and he said,what??????

I said, "You barfed and fainted again".
he said, "I didn't barf did I?"
I said after checking the sink and floor, "no you didn't"

GEEEEEEEZ I am never going to let him stand to try to barf again!

This is his second barf induced faint so I know that he is not supposed to stand and barf and he knows it too---

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I Spoke Too Soon

Yeah well remember when I said I had this eating thing licked and that I could eat the foods that I could not before...yeah well I was WRONG. Last night I tried to have a small piece of some leftover lasagna my daughter made. I ate about 1/4 of a cup (well at least that is what it felt like)....I thought I chewed. I thought I stopped when my stomach said stop. Apparently I did not chew enough or stop soon enough. Following Nola's definition of spew and vomit....I did both in a series of episodes at my garbage disposal. Oh boy did I get stuck. I assume it was pasta but it could have been olive or cottage cheese or mushroom or turkey burger (My daughter used it instead of sausage in the sauce). Regardless of the cause it was not something I want to do again and have vowed that lasagna will never pass these lips again (Oh crap--ive said never..I never say never). I feel fine this morning but haven't tried to eat anything yet.

So yesterday my food intake was:

Breakfast-one poptart (my daughter gave it to me and sadly I ate it)
Lunch-3 tater-tots with lunch, two bites of a turkey with vegetable sandwich on whole wheat bread
Snack on my drive home-3 more tater-tots from the leftover lunch I took back to my office
Snack-at the movies-1 cup of kettle corn
Dinner-1/4c of lasagna that i then threw back up.

Obviously I am gong to have to start thinking about nutrition a little more clearly-
with this lack of calories one would think that the weight would be dropping off. The inches seem to be again (all of my smallest jeans are starting to sag) but my weight has been holding at 247. It has got to move eventually (i say that about 10 times a day)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Finally Pictures and an Epiphany

Ok-Posting these pictures freaks me out. I have never been a big picture girl and these are horrible looking (both before and after). I can see the weight loss on the front view and side view but I swear my backside looks bigger on the second picture but I think it is a cropping problem because my butt is disappearing! I swear all of my jeans have saggy butt!

There is something about actually looking at a picture as horrible as these are to make you wonder what the heck I was thinking (or not as the case may be) when I got this fat in the first place!! I look like hell and still look like hell and obviously when I looked in the mirror as I walked out the door everyday I avoided paying attention to the hideousness of my body.

Chewing and Stopping-

I have discovered that I can eat bread, muffins, salad, vegetables, and lunch meat. These are all foods that in the recent past I had given up. What I have discovered over the past few days-and this is so underwhelming and I should have figured it out about 6 months ago but apparently I am a super slow learner is that if I chew and I stop at the first indication that something has hit bottom in my stomach Than I can eat with no problems.

If I chew the crap out of the offending items they do not get stuck (duhhh). Now i don't mean token chewing or even really chewing-no I mean chew the food until it is a semi-liquid in your mouth. I have finally learned to take a bit, put the food down and chew chew chew chew chew chew chew until there is absolutely nothing left of the food stuff.

I cannot eat 1 cup of food. I can eat 1/2 to 3/4 a cup of food. I cannot eat 1/2 a sandwich. I can eat 1/2 a sandwich minus a good crust edge. If I listen to my stomach it tells me but it is a very subtle message-more like a whisper than a shout. I can feel my fist bite touch my band. When I feel that food touch my band it is time to stop. My guess is there are a few more bites that have gone in but when my stomach says to me that it feels something-it means I am done. When I do not listen and eat 2 more bites or 3 more bites and I wait to feel the food in the back of my throat---well guess what. I am going to barf up part of my dinner because I did not leave room for spit and the digestion process needed to fit down there while waiting for my food moves through the stoma (about 1/2 and hour).

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Third Time is the Charm

I have started writing a new post three times and each time I had to run off somewhere before I could finish it sooooo here I am trying again after a 9 day lag.

I am currently sick with a cold/flu. At first I thought it was allergies and I carried on with my yearly sudafed treatment but last night a fever set in that send me shivering off to bed at 10pm. It is amazing how the draining snot is keeping me full! Yesterday I had two meals and had no desire for dinner and today I am eating my second meal of the day and will probably not have another. I have been trying to drink but have even had trouble with that.

I am also at this moment trying a regular sandwich for the first time since I was banded. I have eaten toasted ones but not a regular old sandwich in 8 months. It is going OK so far-1/4 of it chewed to death and down my gullet. The key I have been finding lately (but it might just be my fill level) is that if I chew and stop wayy before I get a full message I can eat a little bread. like right now for instance-I just took one bite past 1/4 of the sandwich and passed the rest off to my husband (who is gaining weight from all of my cast offs).

The past couple of weeks have been crazy at work. I have been in and out of town twice; driving to and fro to interview teachers participating in the grant I work on. I think I have clocked 1200 miles on my car for that, plus 300 going to and from work and then another 850 going to my nephew's graduation party on the weekend. Next week I have to go back over for another 600 mile round trip trek. I am sure ready for the term to be over and have a bit of a rest from it all.

I am still pretty tight but wiggling slowly down into the 240's. I sure miss the days of fast weight loss. I am assuming that once I get over this illness I will have put myself solidly into the 240 range and onward with the struggle to the 230's. I sooooo have to shift my arse and start exercising in a regular way. There is just no excuse for it. I have a perfectly good bike in the garage and a great walking trail behind my house but nooooooo I just watch everyone else walk and ride on it!

Just to tease you all a little-my daughter took pictures of me the day before surgery and tonight (post 54 pounds lost. I will, as soon as she emails them to me, post them on here finally!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Where Does The Time Go?

So it has now been two weeks since my super-tight fill. I am hanging in there. The volume of food that I can eat has shrunk down to about 1/2 c per meal. I have up and down days about the 'snacking' I am doing for meals (this is all discussed in my previous blog). I think things are starting to feel a little better-at least for now. The scale has still not moved but I noticed today when on my daughters field trip to the beach that I can move around much more easily and with much less effort. We trekked across a parking lot to the bathrooms, down to the beach, back to the bathrooms and back to the bus. The tide was out and all of the kids (and I) walked down to the waters edge and hung around (me standing) for about an hour. Then after school I stood while my youngest had a riding lesson that went for more than 1.5 hours. Sure I am tired now but there have been times when I would have been flat on my back after a day like today. whereas now I have enough energy to write this blog entry :)

Right then-I am off to bed. Nighty night everyonnnne!