Monday, May 31, 2010

my stripy overalls-

My grandpa was a farmer. When I was small he raised turkey's and feed corn. As I got older he semi-retired and kept a few sheep, had a few chickens, and grew a very large garden. All of my cousins, brother and sister and I remember him and my grandma fondly and are all avid gardeners. My grandpa had a uniform that I have always coveted. Overalls...the stripy kind. Whenever I shopped at our local ranch and home store (just love all the potential farminess in the store).I used to always go and fondle the key striped overalls with envy and remembrance. When I got the band I made a vow that when I got thin enough to not look like a moose in those overalls I was going to buy a pair. A couple of months ago (right about the time I first started thinking I might actually be in the goal range) I tried on the overalls and bought a pair-34's no less! Now they are not the most flattering clothing in the world but they remind me so much of my grandpa and they are so practical to wear when I work in my garden that I love them.

Needless to say I didn't get my weight problem from my grandpa. Please excuse the glimpse of farm life-he was plucking a chicken for dinner.

Not as wide as it used to be but still wide enough :)...

I have also added some pics--Caroline has inspired me with her photography and we have had a really nice camera sitting here for a couple of years with good lenses that David's mom gave to him when his dad died. I have been trying them out with excellent success I think. I am always surprised that when I get the right tools to do a job it always comes out works with dieting and photography.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Post Number 300 and Confessions

Iv'e been cheating on all of you :)...You know back in December when I made all of the New Year's Resolutions. Well Amazingly I have really kept them!! I have never made resolutions before and then made a plan as to how I would carry them out. I slipped from touching each of them every day to at least each of them during the week but still..I feel really good about how things are going even 6 months in. I credit this band with a large part of things. Being successful at working the band and having the extra energy that comes with throwing off 117 pounds of dead weight has really made it all possible.

So the cheating part. When I first found Justine's Adventures in Bandland blog I found that I Liked her writing style so I dug around to her other blogs and then found her links (wow sounds very stalkerish as I type it)...but the thing is. She has some great crafting links. So I started following some of them. This led to other links then my own making stuff blog (We Did it). Well then I got sucked into the whole if you make stuff you need pictures and viola..whole mornings have been spent taking pictures and posting them on this other blog. Then hopping around on crafty blogs looking at their stuff. Very fun but it has sucked the life out of my lapband blog interest.

Which brings me back to this lapband blog. I think it is healthy in a sense for this to happen. As I come up on my goal (whatever that is going to ultimately be) I find myself living life and not worrying as much (Oh don't think I have given up worrying all together) about dieting, weightloss, what goes into my mouth, etc. I can spend my time doing life things.

After all that is the greatest gift this band has provided. I have a life now that I never had before. From the time I was a child much of my time was spent thinking about how I should avoid food, not eat it, cheat with it, misbehave with it etc. With the band I can have a relationship with food that is healthy. I can eat any thing. I can cook anything. I can be in rooms with baked goods and not break out in a sweat. I can spend all of the time I once spent worrying and then guilty about my transgressions doing other things. and I am doing other things. It is the most joyful aspect of this journey of all.

This is my 300th post. I just noticed it...What a long, wonderful and life-changing journey this blog has followed!

May, 2010

January 2010

October 2009

September 2009

August 2009

June 2009 (I was down 50 pounds in 8 months-so you early banders don't get frustrated by slow loss)

August, 2008 Just before surgery.

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's The Little Things

Linda will be attending the BOOBS event with me in September. She will keep Drazil and any other non-surgical people company as she lost 90 pounds sans the band. She will also be my roomie and provide me with plate cleaning services :) haha.

Last night my friend Linda and I went to the Bare Naked Ladies Concert. Over the past 10 years we have gone to 4 BnL concerts all of them excellent but this is the first one post weight-loss. This concert was quite a bit different not because the show was better (even though I have to say it was). Nope-it was the little things that had a big impact on the evening for me.

Little thing number one-before the concert we walked 1/2 way across town to seek out a pre-concert drink. In the past we would have paid the stupidly high prices in the concert hall for a drink and sat around waiting for the concert to start or alternatively gone out to eat dinner. We wandered around the empty Sunday streets of Portland until we found the Rock Bottom Brewery. She had a Southern Comfort and 7-up (tastes like Pimms and 7-up really) and I had vodka and Orange Juice. We chitty-chatted a little bit and then wandered back to the auditorium where the pre-show was about to start.

Little thing number two-As is common when the Ladies came on stage everyone stood up and there we remained for most of the concert. In the past my legs would have hurt, my hips would have hurt. I would have gotten tired of standing and would have spent a considerable amount of time during the concert thinking about how stupid I would look if i just sat down for a song. This time...I frankly preferred standing up. Now my back-side gives out sooner than my hips and legs. The only lure in that seat was that it fit so nicely. There was plenty of leg room on either side as well as in front for leg crossing that I still find joy in every time I loop my leg around. but..back to standing... We stood through most of the concert and danced and sang to the talented guys (whose concert by the way was WAY better than the new CD and the CD is pretty good). I have decide the Ladies are definitely a band that should be seen live when the opportunity comes along.

I will add pictures when I get them from Linda-apparently all of my accidental picture taking with my cell-phone in no way prepared me to actually take a picture when I wanted to. I could not figure the dang thing out! She has a fancy shmancy I-phone and knew how to make the camera thing work. The pictures will likely be bad because of poor lighting but when I get them I will share them warts and all.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


The scale is a funny beast. I am eating next to nothing and it has moved one measly pound. I know it is probably building up momentum for the big drop (eventually) but it is so maddening when it is happening.

This has become a pattern and just in case it works this way with you I thought i would throw it out here for you all to think about.

I get a fill. I get all excited because there is a very noticeable drop in the quantity of food I eat. Then there is a stall...while I wait for the drop in calories to register with my fat burning machine (I do not know the anatomy at all!!). Finally after a week or two the machine wakes up and recognizes that it has not been getting the calories it is used to and starts pumping off the pounds. Since last Tuesday the slow-man has been at the machine...he has allowed one measly pound go. I am hoping for a machine shop shift change :) so that the young machine operator will come on and get a move on with my weight loss.

In the past I have played this waiting game and then viola...about a week in the weight just starts piling off. 2 pounds in one day, then 2 pounds more the next etc. Usually these weight loss periods last for just under 10 pounds and then I hang up for ages. I then either need another fill or something will trigger a break through and the loss will go on again for another 5 to 10 pounds.

So for this post-fill weight loss run I have started at 189 and am hoping for a loss of 10 pounds before I have a rest period. I hope it continues to work the same way as it has in the past.

In my non-weight loss obsessed life have been a bit busy working on knitting projects, starting to go to a few meetings for my now confirmed job at a nearby University and preparing a speech for a conference I was invited to speak at (my first expenses paid speaking engagement..wahoo). The conference is in Mexico City so if anyone has any words of cation, fun stuff to see or overall traveling to Mexico advice do let me know.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

Fill Still Lovely

Day two and the fill is still darned near perfect. The scale popped back down to 189 and I am crossing my fingers for new ground tomorrow.

As I am not very hungry and it takes a while for my food to go though my liquid consumption is way down. I am trying to drink more water and still manage a diet coke in the morning (bad but its my caffeine!!) The Diet Coke is now my breakfast because it takes me two hours or so to drink about 2/3 of the pop. I am then bored with it and dump the rest down the drain.

For the rest of the day I try to drink a big glass of water before I eat any food but since I'm not hungry I do not really get that much in. I had a big glass before I ate my dinner and I will have another right before I go to bed.

I am not having trouble physically getting the liquid down it is more a lack of desire to do so. Once i stand at the sink with my water It is easy enough to swallow it down. It is getting into the kitchen that is failing me :)

All in all I will keep working on the water (as always) and enjoy the restriction!!


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Fills Beautiful Fills

This fill is awesome! I am still amazed at how my restriction had slipped and I was not fully aware of it. I am (touch wood) now in a great restriction place. I still eat my 1/2 cup, I still can eat almost anything sticks with me. Today's food:

11:30 am
1/2 c combined tuna, light mayo, pickles, shredded cheese.
2 sesame mini snaps


Tall no whip non-fat peppermint mocha

5:30-1/2 banana

6:30-one homemade chocolate chip cookie with walnuts.

7:00-1/2 cup chicken and rice casserole with lots of mushrooms, carrots and peas.

No desire for between meal snacking, no desire this evening to eat.

wooooooooooooohooooo---I feel some losing coming on.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Body Image and Response to Comments on my Last Post

I really like my doctor but it is really hard to convey a relationship that we have developed over a year and a half. In the beginning I thought he was a poor bedside manner guy but a really good surgeon. Now I have figured out his bedside manner. He is really passionate about this stuff but also a bit of a nerd. I think he has learned how to communicate with me and me him..basically we now realize that we are both nerds and we have developed blunt but scientific communication that I love! I don't think I have ever felt like my doctor really knew how to communicate with me before and I feel like my lapband surgeon and I do that pretty well.

As far as what he said to me today-I am of two minds. I agree with him that we sometimes keep this magic number that we want to hold out for when really we need to be happy wherever we are. I hated my body when I weight 170, I Hated it at 180 at 200, and so on even up to 304. Well now that I am back down the scale I need to like both where I am and value the path thus far. I will and am happy with every ounce I have managed to take off with this band. I am holding out for the normal bmi because I have not weighed in that range since I was 16 (for about a week). If I can get there and maintain it I will be ecstatic. If I don't I know I will be healthy enough to be here when my grandson and future grandchildren grow up and have their own children.

We also talked a bit of research but I will tell you more about that later.

Thanks for all the comments guys!! I know my ticker says people read this stuff but it is good to know that others are interested in all of this sometimes.

I Got 'The Talk'

I just got back from my fill appointment. I am another .5cc's full and feeling it a bit already. waaahooooo-long may it last.

At first My doctor thought the computers were down so he was going to have to just go for it. His nurse came in and checked-finding them working. My surgeon pulled up my chart and read a bit. I told him I wanted to try for the 25 pounds I have to reach the normal range and that is when he said, " do we need to have the talk about unrealistic expectations?" He then looked over my weightloss history and said, "you have done really well with this band".

I responded with "I would be happy from here on out if I never lost another pound but I wanted to give it a try and reach for the normal body fat range."

He reiterated, "99% of my health benefits had already been met".

I countered with, "I consulted a plastic surgeon and she wants me to have a stable weight before I move forward".

He then said that "I could carry on losing little bits at least until your second year anniversary".

I told him that I was planning on giving it a good try until next December before I schedule anything and he agreed that would be a good plan.

Then...tadaaaaa....he gave me my fill (after checking that I did not have any acid reflux or trouble eating or vomiting). We tried standing up and failed so he had me lay down (after I got dizzy again) and popped the needle right in wahooo...Two cups of water later I was out the door with his usual..take it easy and test things a bit before Friday so if you need to come in for an unfill we can do it in the office.

I haven't eaten anything yet but am planning on a skim peppermint mocha in an hour or two and then am going out to dinner with friends to Chinese food. Goodness knows if I will be able to eat anything but I will be super duper careful that is for sure.

The doctor also gave me a copy of my fill and weights for the first 6 months after I was banded. I can now fill in my spread sheet with more information. I will share when I get the data in and marked.

Friday, May 14, 2010


1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?

I'm crap at these questions---I cannot think of a single one.

Now if you had said character from a book...I would be off. The lead character in Under the Tuscan Sun, Mrs. Mike (book I read in high school) about a woman who married a mounted policemen and lived int he wilds of Canada (although the wilds and lack of a toilet might stop me these days).

I love fantasizing about what life would be like for the characters in the books I read. I like them to live in exotic places and explore food or solve mysteries etc. I never was much of a cartoon watcher but always a book reader.

2. Who was your teenage heart throb?

Nope I didn't do this one either. I like Colin Firth now. I have watched all of the movies of his I could get on netflix (he has some really baaaaaaad ones form his teenage years).

ahh but I just remembered a little tidbit..I did used to like Tom Selleck. When I was a senior in high school I babysat at a summer resort near my house and the owners' son-in-law looked just like him (mustache and everything)...My girl friend and I use to talk about how we envied his wife :)

3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?

I think it is neither. I think we have a developed some bad habits in life sure but I think it is more than that. I think it is physical. We have faulty full gauges. We have extra strong sense of smell or taste. I think our body weight meter is badly calibrated. I think our body is messed up hormonally..and I think it is a combination that sets us off on a free-fall to obesity. I think that some people do develop a poor relationship with food but at the root of that relationship are chemical and physical issues that the medical field only slightly understands right now. I have come to this conclusion from reading, discussions with my doctor and...extrapolating a bit.

4. What’s your all-time favorite song?

I like all kinds of music as it takes me back to my childhood and other events in my are some of my faves:

My husband and I listened to this one every Friday night after work and school and my daughters went to visit their dad...Represents relaxing weekend to come. I consider it our song.

About the time I left my first husband and went back to school. Makes me want to run and dance on a big park lawn.

I loveee the blues. We lived in Ritzville, Washington for a few years and every summer I could sit on the porch swing of my house and listen. BB came one year and I got to watch him do his thang.

My dad loved this album (yup that's what it was) when I was a child. My mom hated it but we all used to groove in that sixties dance pony kind of way to Booker T...and this song was my favorite.

ahhh 16 years old and disco baby---nothing else needs to be said.

5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.

Well Drazil's mother's day blog was well written and spoke to me. Her discussion about all of the people in the cemetery visiting their moms..brought a tear and made me think of my grandma. Would she be proud of me? Some of this weight has been lost in her memory and I have passed her wish onto my own daughters about taking care of your body when you are young and can enjoy it. I am younger than she was when she lost weight and tried to reclaim her health...and wish the same for my daughters and theirs and theirs.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Square Feet of Skin

I taught one of my math classes yesterday and in the textbook was this application problem with the formula to figure out how much skin you have on your body (how cool is that?? or am i letting my nerd flag fly again?). I wanted so badly to have them figure out how much skin I have hanging on my shrunken body bu I figured that was one of those TMI kinds of things. My students have only ever known me at this weight. It is weird that I am now thinking of people who knew me fat and those who have never known me at my old size. Anyway---back to the math :)

Here is the problem:

3. Area of skin: The surface are of the skin covering the human body is a function of more than one variable. Both height and weight influence the surface area of a person’s body. Hence a taller person tends to have a larger surface area, as does a heavier person. A formula to determine the area of a person’s skin in square inches is S=15.7w^0.425 h^0.725 Where w is weight in pounds and h is height in inches. (from intermediate Algebra by Rockswold and Krieger)

I of course will want to know how much skin I have hanging on my now smaller frame. My math gives me this:

S=15.7w^0.425 h^0.725
S=3799.165 square inches of skin
If I divide this by 144 I can convert the number to square feet: 26.38 square feet of skin
At my new weight the number 304 should be changed to 189.2 (as of scale this morning). More calculations gives me: S=3105.66 square inches of skin or 21.57 square feet of skin.

Ok so… If my skin did not shrink at all from my highest weight I have 26.38 square feet of skin hanging on a body that should have 21.57. That is an extra 4.81 feet of skin. Given my saggy arms, chin, stomach and legs I believe it.
I wonder how much skin shrinkage a 46 year old woman gets?

Just as my class was ready to go I challenged them look at the tiles in the hallway (1 foot by 1 foot) to see what a bear skin type rug of their skin would look like. Mine is almost as big as the area rug in my family room!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Green Smoothie Craze

Several of my friends and some of the blogs I pop in on are talking about green smoothies. My friends say they are great for breakfast. I suggested to one friend that she add a scoop of protein powder to her smoothie so it would be high in protein as well as iron and other greeny vitamins (the B's if I remember correctly). Finally today after the many rave reviews (looks ugly but tastes delicious if you don't look). I made one for myself.

1/2 scoop vanilla whey protein, 2 tsp sugar, 1 cup Orange Juice, 1/2 cup milk, 1 cup frozen peaches. I split this in half with grace (it made 4 cups). I left my two cup portion in the blender and chopped 1/2 c raw spinach finely and threw it into the blender. I mixed it a lot and added a bit more Orange Juice to make it thinner and really mush up the spinach strips.

It was yummy and a nice shade of lime green :)...No iron taste in my mouth at all!!! I will try more spinach to the mix tomorrow. I would have put in a whole scoop of protein powder but Grace insisted on less for her portion. Notice I said my portion was two cups---yup I get to drink more of this as it slips right through my band. I don't really think this is a good thing but for some reason my hands have yet been capable of making less. My tummy is now full from the bottom up.

Here is another weighing 190 picture for you. My floppy stomach is bugging me big time. It doesn't bother me in the mirror but when I see myself in pictures bleck (why are pictures so evil!!)

Side note: There has been a whole lot of Making stuff in our house lately. I am building a new blog about it to replace my New Years Resolution blog. This one will include all the stuff we make in the house. I am putting up some pictures today but I am not fully confident I will be able to juggle two blogs at once.

Happy Wednesday.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Damn, Damn, Damn and Sunshine Remembrance

I had an appointment today to get the long debated and then wanted fill. Well I stupidly remembered that my appointment was 1pm. Apparently I had it wrong and the actual appointment was at 11:40. I missed it by just under and hour as I was early for the one I thought i had. I missed it sooo badly that the doctor had already gone home for the day. Damn Damn and double damn.

I went to work and did my teaching jag and then home to do a face plant headlong into snacks, dinner and after dinner. I ate not almost 1/2 a sandwich, not 1/2 a sandwich no I ate almost one whole sandwich eeek!!! I am even now hungry again a mere hour and 1/2 after eating said sandwich.

Portland was sunny this weekend and as a result life was wonderful :) My oldest daughter and grandson were sick so the daughter cooked dinner that was planned got postponed until next week (wahoo an extension to the mothers day celebration).

On Saturday after i finished teaching I went with David and Grace to pick out the rest of my tomato plants. I now have 5-cherry, a red beefsteak one, a green zebra, a yellow one and a purple. My dinners this summer are going to be like an Italian flag. A few years ago I spend the summer reading Under the Tuscan sun and ended up cooking Italian for the whole summer from my garden. I hear there is a sequel out that I will have to read and be re-inspired from.

On Sunday-I was awoken by Cinda (number 3 daughter) with a Starbucks skim peppermint mocha, no whip while I still was in bed (as good a breakfast as any bandster would want). David sent Grace in with a British cook book and my file of recipes to have me pick out a treat for him to whip up. I picked homemade maple bars that I heard about from my mom and aunts (my grandma used to make them). He made a batch (enough to feed us and our neighbors) and they were every bit as delicious as was said. I then spent the rest of the day building a raised bed for my herbs and planting up my pots.

Overall a great weekend that caused me to relax too much I think-as my calendar went to pot in a big way. I missed a meeting on Sunday (time zones etc.) and then my doctors appointment today. I swear If my head weren't attached i would have forgotten it as well!!!

Happy Monday...

Friday, May 7, 2010

Oh What a Day I Had

A lovely day today in Sunny Portland. I just wanted to hop on to share some love with you all.

Today I went for a second consult with a plastic surgeon. Then did a bit of shopping...ohh I will share. Then just before bedtime I was given word that the little grant I worked on a couple of weeks ago was funded and I am really actually going to get the job I was hoping for (still a bit of finger crossing needed but I have been called for a meeting about it next week)...

Ok..the plastic surgeon. The office was in a new and super swanky building. It was VERY intimidating to me. There were very skinny women with taught faces and high and tight boobs wandering in and out saying hello to the receptionist by her first name like they were 'regulars in the pub'. ...eeeekkk.

I went back and the very young plastic surgeon showed me some pictures. Looked at my gut and basically conveyed in a very subtle way that she couldn't wait to get her hands on my hangy skin. She also recommended a body lift. They took pictures and then I was walked over the accounts office for a discussion of how much this would cost. $14,000 dollars is how much. Although this seems to be a bit more than the other consultation it isn't. We have since found out that the slap dash accounts girl just wrote down the surgeons fee not how much the actual operating room and recovery would cost. This is about the same or even a little less I think.

I suggested to David that I would live with my hangy downy stomach awhile if he wanted to go and get lapband surgery but he thinks I should see this through first. Basically he is jumpy about the surgery I think. He has never gone under the knife before and it bugs him (he is the squeamish sort). He hates it when I go into gory details about how my belly button could become infected and need to be removed and how I would have four drains that he would have to empty (he turned all white and pasty after that)...hehe. So over the next few days we are going to check the finances and project how long it will take to save up, sell stock or get a loan out to put the cash together. check---exciting thing number one.

After a quick run to pick up Grace and school my friend and I went to the Columbia employee store to shop for a skirt that I tried on at the full price store and passed over last Sunday. Sure enough they had it but at more than half price (wahoooo). The friend was given a pass and I lucked out enough to tag along. I got a dress (pic will be uploaded at the end of this post), two of said skirts, some yoga pants to replace my sad saggy bottom ones and two shirts. I also got a pair of summer sandals (I used to be size nine-these are an 8). I tried on a pair of board shorts that fit in a size 12!!!!!!! I almost bought them but they were a tad to expensive even at the employee rate. Check----Exciting thing number 2

Why is it that ones body and face never look good at the same time in pictures? I cropped this one because the dress did not look very good and need to cut my head off the one below :)

I will try and fix this tomorrow-I am hopeless with pictures. I need to learn how to crop and put more than one beside each other.
I called and made an appointment for a fill after my breakfast blow out--they can get me in on MOnday. Wahoooo Number 3

It was warm and sunny....always worth a great THANK YOU Summer is not far off....Exciting thing number 4.

This evening at 10pm as I sat on my computer wasting time I got the job email.....a nice rounding off to an awesome awesome wonderful day.

Cereal Love

I gave up cereal for the band :). I did so out of tight morning-itis. I did so because I could never work out how to eat the stuff...liquid and solids mixed. Given the band rules I would have to drink the milk first and then eat the not soggy enough cereal after. It was frankly difficult to get down whether i tried to mix the milk and cereal per bite or even separate the two.

I did try the occasional night time snack of shredded wheat left to go really soggy in my coffee mug (I eat it out of a mug to control my portion). Well the last time I had shredded wheat was several months ago as a night time snack. This morning I got up out of bed and tadaaaaaaaa ate cereal.

I woke up today feeling dizzy. I'm not sure what the deal is. I hope it is an indication that I am about to drop another shed load of weight (I am killing myself with delusion here). Usually I get up and the only thing I am interested in is some source of caffeine and a drink. Today I weaved (wove?) like a drunken person to the pantry cupboard and pulled out a bag of golden puffs (puffed rice with a golden sugar coating). I poured a whole cup into a very large coffee mug splashed on a cup of milk and viola....I ate it. I only had to pause once while it slipped merrily through my band.

I am still a little dizzy. Dizzy with old pre-band gluttony joy!! :) haha

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bike Love and Back Down

Last night Grace and I conquered a bike route that I have up to this point been too chicken to do. It involved not nearly as many miles as I would have liked (why do these things always seem way further than reality) but with hills and scary traffic we were quite pooped by the time we finished.

The route was about 5 miles up 4 fairly long inclines and next to a crud-load of traffic at rush hour. Now normally I would be scared to death to let my 8 year old out on the road to the mercy of the beasts behind the wheel. Our little trial run last week convinced me that she could stay between the bike lane lines and listen when I said go or stop. She is doing really well! My only worry is that indoctrinating her into this riding on the road freedom will make her decide to sneak out sometime and go for her own little solitary adventure (hmm perhaps I tended to do things like this and am projecting my own naughtiness on my child??).

After we finished most of the route I took Grace to the pub (where I usually go for a bike ride vodka and Orange reward). Well I could hardly pound a drinky in front of my 8 year old so we had dinner instead. Ok really I have been craving fish and chips for weeks and I was using the exercise as an excuse. I ate my single piece of fish and two fries. The rest went into my bike jacket back pocket and brought it home for David's return from his night class.

I even rode with no hands down the big hill into the neighborhood with my leftovers looking like a growth on my back...I love my Bike!!!

The scale this morning was back to 190.2....I am good with that.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Balancing My Behavior vs Judging a Fill

This on again off again restriction and snacky behavior over the last couple of weeks have started me thinking and analyzing things (am I the only one who thinks things to death?). Today my conclusions are as follows:

My Behaviors: I have taken to snacking. A snack for breakfast, a snack for lunch and then a while later, and a while later...and so on until dinner when I eat a more mealish amount. This holds me for a while and then I am looking for another snack in the evening.

I have taken to eating foods that are easy to eat when I have 'cravings'. These foods allow me to eat more...and then slip down my slippery slope to weight gain instead of loss or even maintenance. Some items on this list are candy (4 bars of Cadbury's chocolate since Sunday); corn chips; cheese.

Judging a Fill:

I need to eat proper meals and then see if they hold me. In the past the urge to snack has been driven by the need for a fill. There were however one exception. At one point I used ice cream to fill my urge for quantity. At the time I had a perfectly acceptable fill level but was having difficulty letting go of the food. At one point I had to take a hard look at what had become an almost daily habit of stopping for one form of ice cream or another. I recognized that I was sabotaging myself and put a stop to it---dropped the treat to once a week only.

Other than the ice cream incident I have always been right about the need for a fill. As the band has gotten tighter and tighter my I begin to question my judgment more and more. The consequences of calling a fill when I don't need one before always felt minor-needing to go in for an unfill. At this stage in the game I am afraid that I will screw things up more permanently if I judge wrong. I do not want to end up with acid reflux issues or damage to my esophagus...especially since I would be perfectly happy if I didn't lose any more weight. On the other hand there is this little voice in my head that says I should go for the real goal...Normal BMI..and not short change myself.

I was hoping typing the thought rolling around in my head would help me make sense of them. I think they are going to continue to roll around for a while.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Bottom Dropped Out of My Fill

I do not know what happened but over the last couple of days my fill seems to have left the building. I felt a little restriction on Sunday after a couple of bread crusts at lunch but after that I have felt next to nothing. I feel like I am back to a fill level from a year ago. I have been on a bit of a bender as well. I am sooo hungry.

I am up 4 pounds from my low (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRKKKKKKKKK). I am calling right now.

The four pounds came back as two hunks of butter sitting on a roll of fat right on my stomach..front and center.

Damn Damn..