Monday, February 28, 2011

Maintenance is a Bitch

I don't like it.

Mr scale is up again this morning beyond my comfortable thresh-hold. It read 170.8. That is not OK. Last month it was water weight (I think)..There is no ankle swelling this month so I don't think I can point fingers at that. All I want to do is nap on the couch and eat. I feel like a bear who has not been allowed to hibernate.

I really need to go look at what kind of stuff I was posting last year and the year before at this time. I also wonder where my head was during this time of the month over the last few months. I swear that I go in cycles of good attitude and bad attitude but have on idea if it is a monthly, yearly or even a pattern at all.


I have gained weight in February during the past 4 years. For the last three years this weight gain was following warm vacations. I thin we should have planned a trip this year! I stated in each of posts for three years that the warm break helped me get through the horrible weather here.

There does not seem to be a monthly pattern to this funk I am in. I looked back over the last couple of months and found that I was on quite a high in December at this time. I am concluding that this January and February thing is pay-back for my December food fest and rapid decline in exercise. It is also plain old Winter funk that is amplified by the knowledge that I did not get any vacation vitamin D (sunshine) this year. In January I had some ankle swelling.

It is apparently time for some mood therapy I think--exercise, up my protein, turn on the full spectrum lights, take some liquid vitamin D.

I went to Costco and did a little prep for a pseudo 5-day pouch test. Or my particular eating clean brand of it. 1. Protein first whenever I eat (not only at meals). Drinking before I eat. I tend to eat first and then think drink later. This means that I have to wait and then don't get enough water down in a day. I replaced my aged protein powder. In December I tossed my almost 2 year old 1/2 used container. I am going to try a bit of it in ice cream machine experimentation and protein drinks. Cottage cheese, greek yogurt, corned beef, and organic chickens.

This whole house isn't going to know what hit them. The baker-man is now back on healthy meal duty.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

Saturday and the House is Clean :)

We had another viewer this afternoon. We have all finally gotten into the cleaning groove around here. We got up after a nice little lie in did a bunch of cleaning (cooperatively!!). We dashed off to Graces knitting group and David's and my morning leisure coffee. We then came home and finished cleaning for a couple of hours. There was not a single bit of fighting or yelling. It was joyous! :)

At 12:45 on the dot we left the house and the agent drove up as we drove down the road. We had lunch at a new pub place (mixed reviews-the girls and David loved their food but the service was rubbish). We then did a twirl around our local import shop (bought some British chocolate but just a small bit).

We then went to the mall and finally took my strappy sandals back. David took the money and got the gold loaf pans from Williams and Sanoma. The gold touch bakeware at Williams and Sanoma is awesome! it is spendy but I figure this is the last bakeware we will ever buy. We tested to see if it was really better than the normal old aluminum stuff and found that yes it was wayyy better. The banana bread went from moist and perfectly done in a reasonable amount of time to taking forever in the aluminum pan and then ended up only slightly cooked in the middle and dried out along the outside. We are gradually replacing all of our pans with it.

After a little leisure time at home we took Grace over to my oldest daughters apartment to spend the night and David and I had out own little date night. We went to see the King's Speech. I do love Colin Firth and he did not disappoint. The movie was very well done. I did feel like he and the queen were a tad over-affectionate especially in the public scenes however I base this feeling on Davids policies of no PDA ;)..perhaps my husband is more 'British' than King George VI was :)

Tomorrow is another open house here but hoorayyyy the house is already clean :) We can sleep in!


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Snow Day and Food

Snow Day:

Grace had a snow day today. David had a snow day today. Nichole had a Snow day today. Grant had a Snow day today. I had to go to work (well half of it anyway). I got to slow the morning down a little because my morning was minus the routine of getting Grace ready and I did not need to pick up Grant for the daycare drop off run but...I had to go.

It was a full day of those kind of meetings where you have great hopes that all things will be solved and then nothing much gets done and by the end of it you are highly frustrated...Thankfully my night class was canceled because of a looming chance of snow (yup we are like that here in the northwest. All we have to do is worry about snow and we start canceling stuff ;)). I drove home and took a nap.


I'm in a sort of a weird place with eating. My nutrition has been slipping. All through the Spring and Summer and even this Fall We had slotted into a routine of meal planning that insured that I was at a minimum getting a really decent dinner. Breakfast rotates back and forth between a coffee or tea and sometimes with food (if I am more open). Lunch is cheese and crackers if at home or soup or a protein plate from Starbucks if at work.

This Winter that has gradually slipped away. For breakfast I have begun to order a croissant with my morning coffee (would never have done that even before the band!). I have snacked between meals more at home and lunch might end up being cookies from that snacking or a bag of chips. On Tuesday's and Thursday's I have been known to eat out of the vending machine (recipe for disaster)or to pop over to the school cafeteria and eat something equally bad for me such as fish and chips (twice this week). When home we have not planned dinner and have just grabbed whatever out of the freezer (usually different for each of us) or something from the freezer for David and Grace and more cheese and crackers for me.

It has got to stop.

What I know:

I do not need a fill-most of the time.
I need to get my head back in the losing game...maintenance has me thinking off course.
I need to put an end to baker-boy (anyone have any magic dust to turn baker-boy into meat and veg. boy?)
I NEED to start exercising again.

What I don't know:

If I need a fill
Why maintenance is so hard
How to turn baker-boy into meat and veg boy again (I did show him this post-perhaps that will help).
What it is going to take to get me moving again.
When the hell this stupid Winter weather is going to end (mental picture of me with my fist in the air cursing at the skies).


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My Husband is Killing Me With Cookies

I am over the whole shortbread thing (not really but if I say it enough do you think it will become true?). Girlscout cookies arrived in our house, David continued making his shortbread, He also has been working on french Macarons and then there has been the ice cream.

He is driving me nuts. So David does not experiment with the lowest calorie or even the smallest serving size of these things. He dives right into the recipes he finds using cream, butter, double cream, sugar, booze, egg yolks..and all that crud. Remember when I said I wanted the ice cream maker to make low fat high protein ice cream..yeah well with David driving the bus we had some egg yolky vanilla stuff, some other vanilla stuff and some zabaglione. It was all WAY TOO rich and I didn't even like it. I like my gelato fruity and light. Tonight I finally had to walk into the kitchen and do it myself. cooling on the stove is a light (still cream but mixed with 2% milk). It is currently vanilla but will soon be orange and coconut. After checking this for richness I am going to back out the cream altogether and simply use milk. After I have mastered the milk mix I will start trying out protein powders and/or Greek yogurt.

I like cookies. The band has given me some resistance to them. I no longer eat them one after another or in batches of way too many. This does now however mean that I can put up with a new variety coming out of the oven everyday (or sitting in girlscout boxes). I walk by and eat one then is the perfect storm for snacking hell and I am in it. I sent David a facebook message today. It said "enough with the cookies already. Please return to bread-baking. I am gaining weight and you will no longer be able to commune with the thigh highs if you keep this behavior up".

Like last month at this time my weight is up. I seem to definitely be in a 164-170 weight cycle. I know that exercise could lick this if I would just shift my arse. Where are you sun!!! :) I am more than ready for Spring and Summer so I can go outside again.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Sick Bounce?

So over the last 3 years I have gotten used to losing a bit of weight then having the scale bounce back up in a little weight gain phase. I never noticed however that this bounce thing seems to show up in other parts of my life (probably even more than I am noticing now!).

After saying I was on the mend yesterday today the flu did a bit of a bounce and I probably felt as crappy as I did on Sunday...minus the couch time. It started with a poor nights sleep. I had a night full of dreaming about sex, then Grace being kidnapped followed by kicking David out of the house...Go figure how any of that is reasonable or relative! The dreams were so vivid I had to get up at 3am and check on Grace out of worry. David said to me this morning that I spent all night snoring (apparently not in an annoying way but in a funny way-whatever that means). I wish he had poked me awake because I could have done without the latter two sequences..Ill keep the first one :)..

When I woke up I felt feverish and stuffy so I took some more liquid Aleve and sudafed but it really seemed to just make me feel grouchier. I pushed through my work day and into this evening. Oddly I was hungry all day and wide open band-wise and of course had no opportunity to lay around or take a nap. I did eat fairly nutritious things but a lot more than usual of them. Our office printer was broken and I had to walk across campus to use one in our second set of offices, I had to write several documents that took a lot of concentration (yeah didn't really have that)..and then organize a crap load of tedious data...bleck.

I taught my night class. It is always a joy to teach and went very well despite my feeling like crappola. It is never ceases to amaze me how I can feel such a strong sense of affinity/parent-like pride (not sure what word fits here) for a group of students. This special group shows wonderful promise as teachers. I hope that the potential I see in them now blossoms into a fine crop of elementary school teachers who are able to help children learn despite the very difficult teaching conditions they will work under in their careers (oh and that is just a whole soap box you don't want to hear about from me!) :)

anyhow..I am home now and have had to continue to work on one of the pesky documents from earlier. I finished what I could but will have to slog away on it more tomorrow.

BED...BED beautiful Bed.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Feeling Better-The Amazing Race

I am much better today-thank goodness as we had a real estate agent call to show people our house. We had to do a rush clean up job in preparation by noon and then went out for lunch (Vietnamese). Just across the street from our Vietnamese place is a Starbucks...I really wanted that for lunch but I am the only one satisfied by a peppermint mocha so I resisted and went with David, Grace and grandson Grant. Grant had chicken and rice (a whole large plate of the stuff). Grace had a large bowl of beef meatball soup and David had Chicken fried rice...I ordered nothing and ate of their plates. The servings are really too big for everyone but the two boys chowed down on their own food while grace and I shared the soup. I don't know how a 2 and 1/2 year old can eat SO Much!

After we got home Grant went down for his nap and I did a little work while Grace watched TV. At 3 just as my oldest daughter got home, David left to get some stuff out of storage and Grace and I prepared to go out to a girlscout event we had a couple of people come to the door asking for a house flier (ours have apparently run out). I offered to just show them the house so they came in and looked it over. This is odd because it has been kind of dead in the housing market for us. Sure on open house weekends our agent has several people go through (12 a couple of weeks ago) but we have so far not had to vacate in the middle of the week ever. Today was odd that way. Hopefully one of them liked the place.

After the house-showing Grace and I went off to her girlscout event. It is called Thinking day and it is a day when girls are supposed to experience other cultures. Although it was a touch trivialized the girls had a great time this year. The organizers set it up as an amazing race themed event and the girls had tasks to complete as they visited several countries. our troop went from the Democratic republic of Congo, Greece, Yemen and Bolivia. Grace is still talking about it and the fun she had.

A funny thing happened at the event...a dad came in whom I have not seen in at least a year if not longer. I used to be the troop leader but when I went back to work I left it to another mom. So he stood near my while I helped his daughter make a God's eye. He said something to me about the craft and then as we walked off to another event I told him that we were planning on visiting Wales this summer (he is also from Wales). At the same time Grace walked up to me and grabbed my hand. I could tell that he didn't recognize me until then. He was very subtle but there was a facial expression change that was obvious.

This is the second failed recognition I have gotten this year and it is cool in some sense but kind of weird in another. This next bit is kind of hard to explain but I am going to try. (Ok I have deleted and retyped this about 5 times now)...So there is this conflicted part of me that misses being recognized as that old person. I had someone say to me its a good thing you are so small (we were discussing the British habit of calling someone a silly cow). I wanted to say..but I am not..well was not and I know what it is like to have all of the difficulties and attitudes people give you when you are fat. Today when this person didn't recognize me it felt a bit the same...kind of one of those..hey it just me I am not different just the shell has changed (although so much more has but not the important parts of me). This is so hard to put down into words but it is a very conflicting feeling to be happy with this new body of mine, the health and freedom it provides but sort of miss the old me as a reference point and me who was for so many years.

I wish I could say this better...and if you can say it better please help me by posting about it or adding a comment or something.


Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Have the Flu

My 47 year old brain has a few cobwebs but I only remember being sick once since banding. It was a food poisoning and/or stomach flu episode fairly early on. It was not pretty but short lived and I survived.

Friday on my drive home from Graces Horse-back riding lesson I had a few sneezing fits On Saturday while Grace was at her knitting group (and David and I were snatching two blissful hours of adult only coffee and newspaper reading at Starbucks) I started feeling a few waves of fevery-ness.

After a stop off at Costco to pick up my new snazzy sunglasses and drop off a drug prescription I was ready to go home and lay down.

I took a nap on the couch and woke up with snot running down my face uncontrollably and a full on low grade fever. I slept for two hours and was still ready to go to bed by 10:30. I woke up this morning feeling bad enough to finally crack out drugs to make me feel better.

I have not been good at swallowing pills for more than a year. My lapband surgeon gave me a prescription for liquid naproxin sulphate (Alieve). It doesn't taste as bad as some of the others I have had to swallow or chew. I chased a dose of this with a crushed sudafed. My fever finally broke at 3ish and I have been feeling steadily better since.

I was very tight today and not hungry at all. David brought me home a coffee around 1:30 and I have tried to keep sipping water most of the day. I had a couple of slices of cheese for lunch at 3pm and a bite of beef short ribs David cooked for himself and this evening I had a few bites of a baked potato. I also had a it of David's home-made vanilla ice cream (I like my ice cream fruity or flavored so although it was OK it wasn't wonderful).

Obviously most of the eating happened after I started feeling better this evening. David and Grace were nice and gave me a break to spend the day on the sofa. I hope I feel better tomorrow...I don't have the time to sit around another day.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Hello 500!

I just noticed that yesterday my announcement for the Northwest Boobs meet up was my 500th blog post. I never imagined that I would still be at this blog thing so long or that I would meet so many lovely people or that I would enrich my life so much from the simple act of filling in the boxes at blogspot and launching the losing it page.

On June 27, 2008 I posted for the first time-it follows:

the journey begins
After reading the various websites, blogs and even some research on the subject and years of failed weight-loss attempts (more on that later) I have decided to pursue a surgical solution. I currently weight 281 (ala my scale in the laundry room). At 5'7" this means that I have a BMI of a whopping 44.

Today I called my insurance company (United Healthcare) and was told that although they have a policy on bariatric surgery i was not allowed a copy of it. Kindly, however, they could read it to me over the phone! (How generous of them!) I dont believe for one minute that this is a policy that is legal. When asked if they could tell me whether either of the two clinics that do bariatric surgeries was a preferred provider for my insurance I was told that i should call their offices to find out. sigh-such a run around.

So after I finished with my insurance company I called my regular doctors office to start work on the letter that the insurance company says is needed in order to gain permission for surgery coverage. for good measure i wrote up a dieting, medical problems, and weight gain history to fax to my doctor so that I could assist her in her letter writing. Then I called the two obesity clinics in my town and asked them if they were preferred providers for my insurance. One suggested I call my insurance company! haha and the other signed me up for the required information seminar. I hope I don't go through all this and find out there is no insurance coverage and the bill will be 100,000 dollars!

so now I wait-My seminar appointment is July 26. I'll try and remember to blog and let you know how it goes.

and there you go...I was doubtful whether i would continue to blog (I only have 12 entries in 2007). It took another 11 months before I actually had my band installed. one year later I had to go back in for a port revision or re-anchoring actually as the port had come dislodged on one side and twisted around.

I just spent the last hour trolling through my old posts. It is crazy to go back to my mind set then and read about my worries, my victories and failures. It was most interesting to read the comments you- my few long term followers. Some of you never comment now while others have been steady supporters all along. Another very cool thing are the pictures posted next to your is really cool to see all of our old 'before' pictures.

I highly recommend looking back in time both on my blog and your own! No wonder people keep journals...who would have known :)

Happy Friday everyone. I hope you have the most stupendous weekend ever!


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Washington, Oregon, N. Cali Mini-Boob meet up

On March 5 some of us northwest band bloggers are meeting up in Eugene, OR. So far the attendees are:

1. Lapband gal She is organizing the event so check out her post and email address.
2. Amanda at Amanda's Waning
3. Jen from Jen is going to lose it
4. Mellisa from Rockin the Band
5. Your name here! :)
6. and me! if you can come email either me ( or go on over to lapband gal's blog and get her email.

Come and hang out with us..we are going to have a great time!


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Why Didn't Anyone ask What the Hell I Was Talking About?

Last night for dinner David sprung that he was taking me out for Peruvian food for dinner. This put the fear into me. I watch a lot of travel shows and know for a fact that one of the foods commonly eaten in Peru is whole roasted Guinea pig. (EEEK!). After letting me stew for a few hours he sent me a copy of the menu. Being the negative Nelly I am the scary foods stood out. Beef heart kabob, raw fishes, avocado (I am allergic).

At 5pm he came home and we dressed to go out. I wore my teal colored dress and gray high heels. I added a beige cardigan. It turns out the restaurant is owned by a local boy made good who lived for a time in Peru and has hired a highly trained Peruvian chef. This chef was trained in french and Italian food. He cooked a hybrid Peruvian/American palette fusion thingy.

I sampled chile relleno (a mild red chili stuff with cojita cheese and quinoa with herbs (in the picture above). It was Delicious. I also had a small plate of cheeses with quince jelly and the tastiest roasted corn (it was like the hulls left in the popcorn only soft like well popped popcorn). David had Ham and Beef and raisin empenadas. I took a bite of two of each and they were DELICIOUS.

The main course was duck for David and quinoa risotto (basically vegetables and cheeses slow cooled with quinoa instead of the rice). It was excellent! I have eaten but not loved quinoa before. The quinoa risotto was better than any regular risotto I have ever had as well(mine is the one in the distance and the duck is in front). I managed about 1/3 of my serving.

Dessert was a chocolate cake for David and two chocolate truffles for me (I had one but was too full for the second).

The meal was accompanied by a Spanish wine (of which I managed a few sips during the cheese course but stopped sipping during the other courses.

We then walked in my cofortable high heeled shoes for 5-6 blocks to our local super wonderful bookstore. They have a huge selection of used and new books.

One of our first few dates was held here. We shopped the knitting and cooking sections coming away with a gelato cookbook, an obscure book called forgotten skills of cooking (butchering, raising chickens and food from scratch kinds of things). I also found a nifty Fair Isle knitting book. We then walked back the distance to our car picked up Grace at Nichole's house and were home in time to put her to bed for school today.

It was a great evening of good food and the simple pleasures that attracted David and I to each other in the first place. ON top of this...I rocked high heels!!! that is the hugest NSV Ever. When we got home David complained a bit about being over full from our dinner and I felt totally fine (gotta love the band!)


Monday, February 14, 2011

What Does One Wear When Eating Peruvian Food?

Today is my birthday. David made a yummy lemon cake and I opened my prezzies last night. Included in these presents was an ice cream maker (yup..miss lapband now owns Satan's own ice cream maker that sits in my kitchen and will provide me with ice cream whenever I want). I also got some gadgets for my spinning wheel, some yarn and a math book.

Before you go all crazy about my owning an ice cream maker it is with the intention of cleaning up my ice-cream. I love low-fat (skim milk) ice crystal filled ice cream and am hoping this beautiful piece of machinery will help me perfect a lowfat gelato-esque bowl of goodness. yes..well that sounds like a load of crap :)..i do like the ice cream maker though. I will let you know if I actually do make a good super icecream with skim milk and some protein boost-i-ness in it.

This morning David provided me with one additional present-a new and improved pedometer to the free one i experimented with at Christmas. I have it on a lanyard around my neck right now. So far after a morning mostly on my butt doing email with some playing with my grandson I am up to 501 steps.

I have some complex life issues hanging over my 47 year old head just now.

1. i am not happy with Grace's school and Grace is not happy. We home schooled a few years ago and I was really happy with how it went (we have a local community home-school support school that is excellent). Grace was happy, we were mostly happy etc. The only down side was that my work life and her school life were not easy to juggle. Of course Grace is a few years older and a lot more mouthy than she was then :)

2. Nichole and I sometimes have difficulty juggling our dual child-care needs. We have mostly traded off child-care but when Grace is in school and Nichole and I are both working during the day and Grant is not in school yet means that he needs greater care than either of us can trade off. I have been driving him to a child care center at the university but it is not very convenient to where Nichole works or where we live.

3. I am not happy with one of my two jobs. I had hoped that it would be an effective program but I am quickly learning that the task is very difficult to accomplish and the people in charge of making sure it happens are probably not up to the task. I am also learning that I am being paid for a job that is four times as large as I am being paid for. Finally I miss the free time that I discovered last Spring and Summer. The down side of these feelings is that this job bring sin more money and the bills I have are made much easier for it.

This weekend I talked it over with David aka Mr. never states his opinion and decided that I will stop whining until the end of July. This will give me the opportunity to see it through one summer (we do more intensive professional development in the summer) and then make my decisions about all of the three topics that seem to so closely be linked.

So...I am now 47. I have to say I feel better now than I have my entire life. So I guess 47 isn't bad at all.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Morning After the Night Before

Last night we had a great time at the Portland area sorority valentines dance. I have never been a sorority kind of girl but everyone was very nice, the drinks flowed and we danced.

Cinda (daughter number 3 aged 21) liked all things bling and party. She came over with her jewelry, make-up and hair supplied to kit me out. I guess with my expanded dress wardrobe I will need to get my own bling now.

Before we left Cinda cracked out the camera and took pictures:

This one is probably better than our last sink pictures.

Note the bit of thigh...pantyhose story to follow. Also..the shoes. I ended up not wearing my strappy sandals and they were the most uncomfortable beasts on the planet. I did however find these babies on Friday. they are called Sofft (with dots above the o). They looked good and most importantly i danced, walked hopped and my feet did not hurt at all!!!

Ok the #$@$%#$ pantyhose. The hose in the picture are a pair of thigh high nylons I found in New York when I was there. They were comfortable and I have worn them several times. The last time I noticed a bit of a run in the toe so knew I would need a new pair. ON our way out last night I stopped off at our local Walgreens (where I got the hose in the New York)..well our Walgreens sells only all the way up the waist pantyhose. I bought two pair with sadness. We got to the car. I attempted to pull the first pair on and snap...a hole right away. I went with bare legs until I got to the hotel and in the rain attempted to pull on the second pair with my feet dangling out the car door and David..inexplicably hold an umbrella over himself (I think he was attempting to share but failed miserably. I asked him to help with my shoes and he moaned that he only had one hand...archchghg..i looked down and i swear the hose already had a run in it before I even attempted to pull it on!!!! So 10 dollars later and two car wrestling sessions I was back in my somewhat run thigh highs and walking into the dance. sheesh..there has to be a better way the make pantyhose and sell them. I do not know how everyday dress wearing girls do that part of things.

We arrived at the dance and had our drinks. The food came out preceded by salads. Everyone dug in. I skipped the rolls, ate a cucumber and the tomato on the salad and then chilled (I didn't need to fill up on salad and crap before the fish came and I didn't want to risk a lettuce stick). Now..everyone at the table except one person knows about my lapband. I didn't know this person but she watched me pick at my salad apparently because after bit she I noticed you didn't eat your salad. Do you not like greens? What is it with people watching what other people eat anyway??? I always suspected they watched when I was fat but I had come to the conclusion that it was my paranoia and that people were too busy worrying about me watching them to actually watch. Well she was watching and had the balls to ask me about it!!! I think she got more than she bargained for because I told her :)...after everyone at the table made a little quiet gasp and went silent waiting for me to answer her. I told her..I said I had a lapband and that lettuce didn't really go down all that well. I said I didn't really want to risk it while out for the evening. I have to say it did take this woman back a bit...she responded with 'oh i didn't mean to pry but I am a nurse and nothing you say would ever bother me or some such thing' :) and then my friend Jean (who knows) said...and that is all we need to know because we are squeamish.

The second course was crab stuffed sole, cooked veges. and mashed potatoes. I had almost one fish roll. I thought at the time that the portion was huge...I know that a couple of short years ago I would have swiped my plate clean and scarfed down the chocolate mousse. Now all I could think was 'I wish they would cut down these portions'.

After the dinner portion I waited and sipped a bit more alcoholic beverage(s) and we danced. In all it was a good time. Even with the pantyhose, band confession and mass quantities of food. The people were funny and I knew several of them so we had a great time dancing, talking and laughing.


Friday, February 11, 2011

OH my..Food Porn.

Well i guess I am going to have a double whammy post tonight. David said to me that he had burst from 1 follower on his blog (me) to four today...So I went over and had a look. Then it struck me. My husband is providing food porn!

Around about the middle of this band journey. Just when I was really changing my eating habits I went through a period I call...the food porn period. I used to hang out at blogs that took pictures of and rated food. My personal favorite was a burger review blog.

I really believe that this period was necessary along the way to help me let go of my old eating. to help me release both the quantity of food I believed was normal and the types of foods. For those of you who aren't long term readers the first item I has to give up was burgers...I still cannot eat one. I can have a bite and that is it-Every time I have tried more..well lets just say there was no down the hatch action..more like up.

Looking at and enjoying the food porn soothed my sadness? or perhaps it fulfilled the need I still had to commune with the foods I could not longer enjoy as much of. Now a year or more down the road and I still think about food. I really think I enjoy it more but I do not feel as much urgency as I did then to look at it. I do not mourn the food (well most of the time) like I once did. I really enjoy the food I can have. When I am full I let it go because I can always have it again another day.

ON display today at David's Pi Asian pear all its nude glory.

How do you make seafood/fish stew anyway?

Tonight was a running around day. I bit of work errand running. Another series of stops to find 'the shoes' for tomorrow night's dance. A trip to costco to to have some of my old glasses re-lensed for reading glasses (only 46 dollars for reading glasses!!). Finally I picked out a pair to have some new sunglasses made (those were not so cheap because they need bifocals). I then stopped at home for a quick lunch and clothing change to go to horseback riding with Grace. After her class it was a dash back home to change back into my nice clothes for dinner out with some of David's work colleagues.

My friend Liz offered to let Grace come over to play at her house while we had our dinner out so after dinner we had stopped and visited for a bit (way too long actually but they are fun to talk to). phew..finally a little sit down.

For dinner I had a bowl of fish had winter vegetables, a blob of sole and a tomato base. (finally a segue to the point of this post). In October on my trip to New York I had a seafood Stew at an Irish pub too but with a cream base...these two dishes have got me thinking about my next cooking experiments (or rather...see me pushing David into the kitchen with a pouted look on my face...I would really like to figure out how to make seafood stew) :) hehe...both stews were really tasty and went down the hatch at just the right pace. not too fast, not too slow and tasted really yummy. So...does anyone have any great fish/seafood soup/stew recipes?

The shortbread experiment is still progressing (but has slowed down recently)...I think there will be a batch tomorrow.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Is it Hormones or Thin Confidence.

I held my ground today in another work related....'discussion'. My colleague was controlling how I handed off some data. I tried doing a little problem-solving and she rolled into a phase of defending and then criticizing. A few short years ago my irritation would have quickly gone from irritation to a surge of feelings of unfairness followed closely but a welling up of tears and upset. Today the irritated feelings swelled up and I voiced them. I requested (probably tersely) that she inform me of the process so I was not constantly asking her to take my data and transfer it. I requested that I be given the file saving format. She defended again...i responded with..teach a girl to fish as I am tried of feeling like a data mule and that is a waste of everyone's time. I did this in front of our boss. Our boss responded with a light depends on what you are transferring (which I was too irritated to get at the time)...anyway.She continued to defend and do the ..its not my fault it is yours game when I interrupted her and said, "this is not a discussion about fault. This is a request that we solve the problem." Again...having another moment of awe at this change in my emotions...

Those upset feelings do not well up anymore? Why? is is menopause? or did the lost fat reveal some kind of a stronger me? I never did feel like it was in my control before..the upset teariness just washed over me..where did that go? why did that go?

I am glad..honestly but figuring it out would sure help my daughters learn how to stop the crying when mad/upset scenario as I passed the 'skill' onto them.

I really think it is hormone related..mine are soooooo screwed up right now..but for once a positive symptom.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Much Smaller Ass butt has improved dramatically over the last two years. :)Look at the previous post if you don't know what the heck this is all about. Garbage disposals are beautiful things.


Husbands and Bad Humor-

Yesterday Tessierose introduced us to her husband who has taken up blogging. His blog is called Married to the Band. I highly recommend his blog so far...although he walked into dangerous territory today by admitting he really doesn't listen when his wife talks...I know it is true because mine does it all the time...but sheesh we do like to pretend you are listening!

I often share extra special posts with my husband..either reading a post aloud to him or having him link to it through my blog. My husband blogs as the man in the chair at things I thunk today He is lame at it...his last post was November 30. He does not hesitate in leaving the occasional comment here and there...The thing is...he has a really strange sense of humor. I am used to it...even think it is funny most of the time. So here is the deal. Last night he did his usual drive by joke on Tessie's husbands blog (i really need to figure out his name don't I?) He stated that he had pictures of me barfing in the sink...and he does. I actually have said picture. it is a great picture of me leaning over the sink from the back. when I saw it my first thought my ass is much nicer than it used to be ;)... Wanna see it?

So just in case you didn't think his comment was funny or that I would be offended or that I would have to dig up naked pictures of him...i am used to his humor and I am cool with the picture and yes I have pictures that he would be more embarrassed about than I am with the barf pic.

yes..I did feel the need to clarify my husband...does that mean I am insecure? probably!!


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Well That Isn't Fun-Warning-Barf Description Included

I was very nice to my husband this morning. I left him to sleep in while I got up, got Grace out of bed and did the morning routine. We all hate getting up in our house. We all wish the world would run on a 9am - 5pm clock (or later!). So I did the morning school run (he usually does it) while I drive my neighbor's son to the university. He is a student there and was taking the bus when I was driving there anyway. On the way I pick up my grandson and carry him along to daycare on campus as well. So I did this running around (I think I should have earned some good behavior points for this don't you?).

On my way back to my office I stopped off at Starbucks for a tall nonfat peppermint latte (no whip). I also decided that I could have a egg muffin egg and sausage thingy. I have had them a few times lately so things should have been fine..well I was wrong. Not only did i not earn any good behavior points but I also was chosen for the depths of Hell stuck scenario today.

I ate the muffin while talking to a colleague about work (not a good scenario for adequate chewing). Warning point number one for you who are new to the band..DO NOT DO THIS. At one point in my conversation and chewing I paused...and noticed that I needed to chew better (i think this thought was a little too little too late). Things seemed OK. I stopped 1/2 way through the thing and threw it away. It seemed a bit uncomfortable at first. I finished my meeting an hour or so later..still not 100% comfortable but not emergency feeling. I then decided maybe a good walk would get things moving through and I went to a local bookstore to find a needed book for the office. I took a pit stop to the bathroom and did a quick spit to unload the spit piling up on my food. I walked about 1/2 mile to the book store. Looked for the book..then had to pop up for another spit loss event. A walk back to the office and finally the real trouble began. I was stuck..apparently quite badly. a bit of barfing at 2 and then finally a complete fix for the problem at 2:30...My tummy is still not happy. I have attempted a few drinks of water successfully and am going to have my husband make me a cup of tea before I go to bed.

I have never been so messed up since this band went in. Usually I will either over-eat (rarely these days) and have a quick pb much like a baby and a bottle of milk. or I get stuck (more frequent) and at most an hour later unstick the offending item with a full on vomit after a few mini-barfs where I expel some spit.

Now you newbies might ask..when does one get the hang of this?? I have not fully. I will tell you that I have improved dramatically but not cured myself of getting stuck. Very rarely (like I cannot remember the last time actually) do I simply overeat and have a pb anymore. I have mastered portion control and listening to what full means. Stuck however is a different story. I still continue to push my band in both the variety of foods I can eat and occasionally like today chewing. I also think that there are days when my band is fine with a bit less chewing or more difficult to eat foods than it is on other days. I would say I get stuck about twice a month now. I am approaching my period..i can tell and of course I have already proclaimed my hormonal angst. Both of these are messing with my tightness.

On a good note I do think that this band variability probably keeps me on my toes and keeps me from becoming complacent about what I eat.


Monday, February 7, 2011

Clothes Clothes Clothes

My oldest daughter was in the trying on mood this evening so she and I went to my room for some good old fashioned dress up. Cinda (daughter number 3) has some beautiful dresses that she has since outgrown (just) and Nichole (oldest) has just shrunk into. Nichole pulled those dresses from my spare closet and I Pulled out the new ones I bought on Saturday. The pictures follow. Note the strappy heels. Sadly they are going back because by the time we were done with the trying on I could barely hobble. I am still not heel worthy I guess. I will keep looking for the right balance of comfort and sexy.

Note: Can you spot the big bra? It isn't on me but in the background (how embarassing :)) It is one of my old BIG bras hanging around.

This is the Calvin Klein dress. It is somehow appropriate to model it near a refrigerator don't you think?

Another very well made wool blend dress purchased on Saturday.

Nichole in Cinda's prom dress from a few years ago. Cinda found it at a vintage clothing store.

I wish I could wear it..The red seems somehow perfect for a Valentines day dance..however:
The zipper poses a bit of a problem.

Another dress from the Saturday shopping spree. I think I am going to wear it with leggings and boots tomorrow to work.

Grant, my grandson (aged 2 and 1/2) liked all of the pretty dressing up. He especially liked my shoes.
I pulled out my summer sandals (love my sandals) to try on the white linen skirt purchased on Saturday.

a Pendleton Outlet Store bargain from a couple of weeks ago.

Two more skirts purchased at the Pendleton outlet store. The floral one matches one we purchased for Grace. She is so excited to have a skirt that matches mine for our vacation this summer.

Don't forget to look at my previous post this can do your own shopping for free! via the sisterhood at the big fat professors blog.

Sisterhood from the prof.

Over at the big fat Professors place is a huge list of clothes that are available to anyone who wants them. I told her I would pass on the word..her blog is worth reading too :)


Saturday, February 5, 2011

I Love Shopping Now

A friend and I celebrated our birthdays (we each have one about a week apart) by having a day out. We started with a mid-morning pedicure. The we drove to a nearby shopping center where we had coffee and some British chocolate. We then shopped a bit. I found a great new store here-Saks 5th Avenue off fifth. It is basically a Saks Fifth Avenue outlet store. We happened to hit the place on a big sale day. There were hard core designer outfits still being sold for 1000.00 (starting out at $3000-$4000 dollars!). Some of these things were clearly of a very high quality while others were already dingy and some sweaters had pills on them and they were still on the rack. They were all tooo rich for my blood.

We wandered over the the step-down designer section and found some great dresses. I found three of them! one started out at $500 dollars and I walked away with it for $45 (Calvin Klein). The other two were nearly the same. I also found a couple of things for my trip this summer. A nice white linen skirt and an oatmeal colored linen jacket (Ellen Tracey). My friend had about as good luck and found two dresses, a skirt and a wallet.

This shopping thing...IS AWESOME! You may have noticed that I am buying new clothes almost every weekend now. Stuff really seems to be on sale but also I am finding that for the first time in my entire life trying on clothing isn't about finding something ...anything that fits in a half way decent way. Now it is about pulling a bunch of clothes into a room and then prioritizing which one I like the most or which are going to cost me whatever I am willing to spend. It is CRAZY good. I am going to pace myself on the clothing least try to :)

We skipped lunch and stopped and had a diet coke. My friend wasn't hungry (she is the friend who lost 90 pounds by going to weight watchers and exercising her rear off). I wasn't hungry so we had our drink and another square of chocolate and kept right on shopping. We hit a few more boutiques (looking for a nice shrug for her to wear with one of her dresses). We then went to the container store and had a look around.

Finally it was time to check in for our massages. I have never had one. I was always too embarrassed at the idea of having a stranger massage all of my fat. Sure I have had a husbandly massage here and there but...well...they were untrained. The massage was great. I had a 50 minute one with hot stones added. The stones were great! she let them sit on my back for a while and then did part of the massage with the stones..very warm and soothing. She then rubbed and pressed my achy horse poo shoveling muscles from Friday. Then did my legs then back up to my neck and then arms. It was well worth it. All I could think the whole time was that now I knew why they put those massage tables on sale at Costco...I need one of those and to train my husband to do this :)

ON a funny note there was one band incident during the massage (not serious mind you but worth mentioning). Before we went into the massage they offered us a small glass of water. I drank mine and then shortly after that went into the massage room and laid down on the table...well that water had not really gone completely through my band yet. laying face down on a massage table is not conducive to funneling stuff through the band. At one point I wondered if they could put a trough under the face opening so I could spit the water out :) the end it slowly trickled through but it was kinda noisy..and I really needed to burp! I toughed it out and when she had me flip over it finally finished going through and I could burp.

After the massage my husband and Grace met us with her family and we had a really nice dinner out at a seafood place. IN all it was a great time!

I put on my two party dresses last night and found my other gray shoe so I made David take some pictures of the 8dollar black lace dress and the first dress I found. I will have him do pics of the newer dresses when I put them on next time. This new dress obsession does have a history. I have always looked horrible in dresses. My big belly and boobs together made all dresses hang on my like a sack. I always had to wear skirts and blouses. This is the first time in my life when dresses actually looked good.

This is the one that cost $8.00 at the Pendleton outlet store. It looks really short in the picture but David assures me that it doesn't look that short when I walk around in it.

The dress is fully lined and made of a black eylet-like lace. I love the bell sleeves. I need some darker hose and a black pair of strappier heels I think (the ones I am wearing are a dark gray as are the shoes).

Ok yes I guess I do have big ta-tas again. I really thought they had deflated beyond repair (well at least without surgical intervention). These new bras seemed to have pumped the old girls right back up again.
David says that my arms are a bit too fleshy (well skin saggy in reality) to go without a shrug. I do think it looks better without the shrug..if it weren't for my arms.

Again I need strappy you think flats? I can wear this one in the summer I think even if I don't wear it to the dance.

Friday, February 4, 2011


I cracked today finally and went to our local Nordstrom department store to be fitted for a new bra. Apparently I was having some telepathic vibes from Justinebecause across the pond she was doing exactly the same.

I was all ready to come away with a smaller smaller i mean small waist size and smaller cup. My boobs were pretty much floating in the DD cup and the waist even at the tightest hook was swimming around me. I noticed to that I was getting some big time sag. So she measured my waist...just my waist. kinda strange I though as she didnt compare it to my boob measurement. She just left and came back with a store bra for me to try on.

It was a freaking G!!! um...that cannot be right. She replied that I was pretty small now in the waist and to remember that the cup size was the difference between my breast size and waist...umm..OK and she had me bend over while she slung the girls into the is an odd thing having someone dress you. Anyhow...the Damned thing fit!!! She then paraded out bra after bra after bra..hard ones, seamless ones, seamed ones, pushup ones pink, beige and black ones. I tried them all on and in the end purchased 3. A very lacy low cut black one. one soft pink one and one beige. one is a 36G and the others...34G wowza..this is funny as I believe before I started losing weight that i was a 44 or even 46 G...10 inches off my waist and full circle back to a G cup-fitted perfectly by a young little blonde with obviously a well skilled eye for cup size (hmm I am not going to think to hard about that one).

After the bra parade was over The bra whisperer brought in the body shaper line...She brought in the most amazing camisole is very much like the one I showed you pictures of in my almost goal post...beige with a power tummy control band around the middle. The difference is that this one has a really low scoop in the much so that the front 'neckline' lands below your bra. It also has the feeling of some fetish rubber (not that I have actually tried that on but you my imagination what it would feel like) was TIGHT and grippy. I could not get it over my head but had to pull it up my legs. It likes veyr much like a wrestling costume but with a mini skirt. I put my sweater back on over it..and .....I lost at least one size if not two from my waist!!!!! I bought the sucker.

I also bought a little something for my husband for valentines day...shh..can't say much more as he occasionally reads this blog.

oh...just remembered...just to give the wonderful people who supplied the shortbread recipes an update. My husband (I have told you he..well..we are nerds right??)...well one small discussion about making shortbread to match walkers and he has been off..I think we are now a week into his great shortbread perfecting caper. We are both hauling shortbread into work everyday. He has gone to a baking group on facebook and started a thread about shortbread. The weirdest part is that he is now farming out shortbread baking trials to other people!! some woman in Minnesota and another in flipping Germany. It is an oddity but he has managed to make one that is better that Walkers (and I am a pretty hard nut to crack on that one). I will share whichever recipe one he/we settle on.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Interesting Strategy to Try

I had a crazy day today from one work to the next and a morning full of meetings the home quickly to take care a few things then back on the road to my night class. In the process I figured out a little something that might be worth trying..and I am going to try it for a while.

For breakfast I had a starbucks oatmeal with everything and a nonfat peppermint mocha. I drank the coffee and at around 10-ate some of my oatmeal. I then snacked on the rest of my portion later on. For lunch I purchased a bowl of Vietnamese chicken soup from a cart (we have a lot of carts in Portland). These bowls are way to huge so I had a bit then put the lid back on. I had more at 3:45 right before I left for my night class and then finished most of the bowl up tonight at 8:30 when I got home from class. I also had some naughty snacks here and there (two small pieces of shortbread and a protein bar at 6pm) but overall I think milking the meals out over a longer period of time (kind of like what Bunny is doing I guess) just might at least make the snack choices I am making more healthy ones.

This does kind of work for me, probably, because I don't mind eating my food cold. I am not sure if it will be something I like or will do long term but for now I am going to see how it works.

The scale was up and down today..i had a 164 reading then a 161 then two 163's...who knows what i weigh but it ain't 170 and I am happy!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hungry and Low

This morning my lovely little scale read 162. I kind of like it. I was really working at having a mind set that I am done changing clothing sizes. This has in fact been happening a big way as I shopped for Graces bigger clothes I have purchased several new things for me.

On Sunday I bought pair of denim slacks..I love trouser jeans. I tried on the 12 and they fit really nicely...There was just a little wiggle room but coming out of the weight gain that I just have I went back and forth in my brain about whether I should try on 10's or go with these super comfy slacks as they were. I went with the 12. Well I wore them to work yesterday and found that they stretched out during the day enough that I had a wee bit of saggy butt. For once in my life the question posed to my husband was not "does my butt look big in this" Instead it was Do have enough butt to fill these out. His very dangerous response was, "It would take a surgical intervention to get enough butt these days to fill out trousers for you"...sadly I cannot kill him because he is right. I have rolls in my butt where the skin is hanging south of the border. I probably should have bought the 10 but who knows whether I would have fully filled that butt out either.

My band is very much more open yesterday and today than it was before. I am guessing this downward thing is about to come to a halt. I like it while it lasts though.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I had a little vacation back in time tonight. I was a touch hungrier today. I had a full morning and afternoon of meetings and did not bring my lunch to work. Lunch found me dashing next door to the quicky mart for whatever lunch items i could find. bugles (yup..not so good). 160 calories but on closer inspection it was 160 calories for 1/3 of the bag. I ate the whole bag by 2pm. I also had 1.5 ounces of cheese and a boiled egg. At dinner I was off to my second job teaching at the community college. I was, of course ravenous again and did a little meal shopping in the machines with my newly discovered pound of change in my backpack. I chose...poptarts! Now you cannot read the nutrition information through the class and I frankly have never looked. I did evaluate whether they would go down ok and whether they would provide good filling for my efforts (seriously hungry at the time). I paid my 1.00 fee and they fell into the hopper. I then read the back...WHAT!!! seriously??? 410 calories for that??? (click on 410 calories for additional nutrition information). I could have a heck of a lot better tasting things than two stupid poptarts. What did I do you ask?? I ate them....

and I will never ever do so again. They tasted like crap and sat in my stomach like a rock for the rest of the evening. I did used to kind of like the things...if you could see me now you would see me shaking my head in derision at my old taste in ..can we even call it food?

and worst of is 10:13 and I am very hungry and cannot eat or I will be stuck awake with indigestion if I do. All of this could have been fine if I had just packed food.