New Year..Again

The big picture:

Health:  Better than most of the rest of my life.  size 12, weight in the 170's, feeling mostly good.
Relationships:  Married to best friend, daughters are all doing well and are happy.  One in adolescent angst but coming through OK thus far.
Work: I have plenty of work available to me.  The store is above water, Teaching and tutoring gigs are great and going well.  I do not have the Tenure track job I dreamed of having but I am kind of sure I wouldn't be happy in that slot.  This hooking together of jobs that are almost completely in my control are more my style.  I still suffer from work obsession and need to learn how to relax better.
Leisure:  What is that?  I got a taste of it over Christmas.  I know I need to incorporate physical experiences back into my leisure life.
Money:  Oh hot diggity..we are crap at this.  This along with exercise are the areas of most need.  We do fine over all but planning ahead?  making long term goals and saving up for those goals????  no..not happening.  I know we could do so much more with what we have and we just don't.

The little picture:


Health: Life is good but my place in it has been a bit flat lately.  I think it is due to the fact that I am just bumping along with this whole diet and exercise gig.  I am sort of sick of the coffee and sugar habits I have hooked myself up to.  twice now, in the morning, after coffee and before any food I have had this nauseous feeling come over me along with a little dizzy spell and my left eye goes out of focus.  The feeling lasts for about 10 minutes or so.  I don't know if this is a blood pressure thing? a blood sugar thing? or something else.  I told my nursing school daughter about it yesterday and she flipped out on me.  Suggesting I should get into the doctor ASAP.  Sigh..I guess I will but I guess I feel like the lack of breakfast might have a little something to do with it.

Relationships: One can always improve on the time, the quality and the properties of interactions with loved ones.  I need to send more cards on time for distant family members, spend regular one on one time with my girls and just do fun things that cost nothing with them.

Work:  Stay organized.  Keep books up to date, shelves cleaned and stocked prices on items and in system accurately entered. I also need to get this dang store online.  David and I talked about two-three books we both have sitting in our heads that need writing.  I never start nor does he.  We really should carve out time and get going on these things (is this a long term goal? probably).

Leisure: When?  What day?  Starting Jan 7 I will be working 7 days a week with three jobs.  I do need to figure out how Grace is going to get home from school on Friday's.

Money:  One of my daily expenses is the flipping coffee habit it that unhealthy for me and I could solve tow problems with one change (hmmm  am I strong enough to attend to that elephant in this post?).   Planning? paying off cards and stuff...Fiscal mindedness needs to get our time.


Yesterday and today  Triumphs.

1.  Fast food?  I had a Wendy's hamburger a few weeks ago (well 1/2).  It was not worth it.  It was not good.  I feel like I have finally really put an end to any desire to eat, buy or have a relationship with fast food.  This is huge as I used to call McDonalds my boyfriend.

2.  Active?  Pre-band I was tired.  Moving was an effort.  At the end of the day I would fall down on the couch exhausted.  I still sit down at the end of the day tired but there is still plenty of energy left to get up and run downstairs for food, pop out to get the mail, have a quick clean in the bathroom etc.  I still enjoy sitting on my arse watching a bit of TV but now my butt isn't glued to the chair unable to move..it is there for a brief time of respite before it is off again to go and do something else.

Activity sometimes brought on fear..what if I was asked to do something I could not do.  Hike, climb stairs, walk all day in  the mall.  I am not not afraid of anything now.  I might have to train but if needed I can do what I want, where I want and if I want.

3.  Portion?  What I thought was a reasonable serving size has really changed.  This has also impacted my family.  We do not eat much.  It is OK.  I eat only a small amount at a time and that is OK.  Our biggest problem now is keeping our cooking sizes down so we don't end up throwing food away.  We use tiny ingredient bowls and lunch plates to eat off of (all of us).  It is OK and we are happy this way.  The only fly in our ointment is that others seem to be offended by our choices at times.  It is sometimes difficult to live with.  I have had people actually say in my hearing that we don't eat enough or that not having cereal in the house for breakfast or stocking bread was somehow unhealthy.

4.  Life ?  I am so much braver than I was before.  I now have the confidence to choose how I want to live my life..No more how I should live it, how I was able to live it.  I used to choose clothes based on what was OK..what was not hideous or what I could get on without looking too bad.  Other parts of my life were impacted with this attitude.  big girls cannot stand out too much right?  or be looked at too carefully.  Well now...

I have a style and I follow it.  I know what colors I like, what cuts of clothing and I choose them and not others.  Not because they don't fit or don't look good but because I don't like them and don't want them.  I can smile and nod to perfect strangers.  I can be friendly and smile at people and they respond in kind.  I think this is some to do with my advancing years but also because people treat you differently when you are of normal size than they do when you are not.  One friend calls this conspicuous invisibility..it is the reaction people give to others with a handicap.  I choose how I live my life now.  My size in this world does not.

5. Low Carb? David has been doing a whole lot of nutrition research.  Between his switch to low carb living and my band we have decided that carbs are a touch evil.  He is much more passionate about this than I am but on one thing we have come to agree.  pasta, bread, wheat products and sugar do not help any of us stay healthy.  He takes his low carb living a long way more than I do.  I still sit down to candy, cookies, etc. I battle the sugary coffee.  None of use need daily cereal, none of us need days filled with sandwiches, pasta dishes, or food that is mostly carb and embellished with protein, vegetables and fruit.  Grace, David and I at times crack, we have dessert, we eat a short bread cookie, we eat a good slice of bread at a restaurant but we do not need any of this stuff sitting around the house.  We do not need it on a daily basis and I definitely do not need to get a regular dose of sugar in my coffee.

So..next year.  There is always progress to be made.  more movement less carb.  I think January is the month to kick Starbucks to live with McDonalds...

xxxooo

Merry Christmas Everyone!

We are spending ours having a quiet day at home.  it is my first one ever and it is actually quite nice.  We spend so much of the year running over hill and dale it is pleasant to sit in the living room.

Right now we are next to the fire, cat snoozing by my side and listening to Grace with BBC Radio one (Dan and Phils Radio show) on Graces computer sitting near by.  Grace is enjoying her presents-she is particularly fond of the simplest of gifts-a box of hot tamales, a bottle of mane and tail shampoo and wearing pajamas in the afternoon.  She said "it smells like summer horse shows, rainbows and unicorns..I am going to sniff it all day"

I am doing absolutely nothing today.  I keep thinking I should go knit something but I am debating even skipping that as it is sort of my job now.  I might just waste away the day with TV, computer surfing and magazine reading.  I spend a little while surfing my pinterest boards and did come up with an idea for this blog.  I have a page called word..it is where I pin sayings I am particularly fond of, books I want to read or images I like.  I think these say a lot about my personality.  I am linking it here for you all to go surf.  link a webpage page or pin board that you feel says a lot about you and I will return the favor.

http://pinterest.com/drtina/word/

Happy Christmas one and all:

xxxooo

All is good here-As usual I am doing too much but after four years or more of this I have to come to terms with the fact that it is the way I roll.

The shop is busy and doing a brisk business.  The paperwork drives me nutty but I am being a good girl and trying to stay on top of it.  The webpage needs major work. I am slowly..ok Dragging my feet..on that one.

I had a gift come in the mail from Justine She carried my beloved and sorely missed UK magazines to Florida and then sent them all of the way up here to Oregon!  I am slowly working my way through them.  I even picked up a little quality street chocolates at our local import house and can read my mags and eat my UK chocolate at the same time!! :) I'm in heaven just now.

Weight is holding at 176.  I am cool with that.  My clothes are fitting so much better with just these four pounds.  My dresses..lovely dresses are still too small (I can get them on but there is some mighty nasty belly sticking out of them at this weight).  

The great clean-out continues.  David has taken the next couple of weeks off from work and we (ok mostly he) is using this time to clear out one of our two storage units.  It is funny really  There are some themes to my life that really need addressing in the new year...hmm..I smell resolution in the air.

1.  busy..How do I make the most of my time, enjoy what I do in the moment and remember meetings!!!

2.  Get rid of my crap!!!  We have too much and it does no one good filling up space unused.

3.  Move..I need to do some of it.

That is it for now.  What you thinking about for your resolutions?  How is your life going?  Do you have habits/struggles that seem to rear their ugly head over and over?

My next post will be about how things are different than they were almost 5 years ago.  David and I had a conversation about the contrast just this evening but I need to think on it some more.

I Made a Man Pop His Bungie This Morning.

I really have got to start posting more often.  When I finally get around to coming on to blog these days I have such a backlog that it takes forever to type and I am sure is annoyingly long for those of you who stop by to read.

1.  Title tale:  On my daily walk to Starbucks this morning I was well-timed and crossed the path of two men cycling on their way from the train to our local Intel offices.  I live right between the two spots so we are on the morning commute pathway.  I was walking along humming a little Christmas tune.  Wearing what I would consider to be a fetching new outfit-I found a lovely brown velvety skirt at Ann Taylor yesterday and put it on this morning with a brown long sleeve T, black tights and boots and a 'borrowed' cashmere sweater in a plum color.  One of the bicyclists caught my eye as he rode past and I turned to wait to cross the street when there was a popping noise.  and he skidded sideways and almost fell off his bike.  At first I thought his tire had popped.  as the bike went skidding off to one side and he jumped off his seat and tipped sideways to catch himself.  When I had a chance to walk out into the street to help him I figured out the bungie cord he had used to secure his laptop onto the bike had released and the laptop went flying and he lost his balance.  The guy was totally embarrassed when I talked to him.  The funny thing is that just a little piece of me thought..dang I was looking so fine today he popped his bungie :)

2.  I lost another pound!!!  Finally the tides are S...L....O...w...L...y...turning the other way on the scale.  I have cut way back on coffee quantity (duh I know). I am still pretty much eating one small snack and one small meal a day and started walking further when I can.  There is much more to be done.

3.  Yesterday was David's birthday.  I had a bunch of thinngs to get done during the day  (such as shopping to get Christmas presents in the mail) and then taught a class in the evening.  I wanted to take David out to dinner so I just did.  I booked us a table at 9:30 at night and we went.  David was even a little thrilled that we were doing something so spontaneous and decedent as going out on a work night no less.  We went to Le Pigeon (one of many swanky places in Portland) and had fancy food.  I was a little scared to be eating so late at night at one point I even said..I am going to have to stay up until 5:00 am waiting for this stuff to digest.  In the end it was fine though as I controlled myself and ate strategically.

4.  Eating strategically-what does that mean?

 I have learned a thing or two about it with my band. the most important rule I use is think food textures.  I drink before the meal only.  No liquid during the meal.  This is for two reasons.  If I have a great tight fill I might just layer water on top of food and that would not be pretty.  The other occurs if I don't have a great fill I can use liquid to sneak food through faster.

Soft stuff to bread.  I know that I can eat soft stuff more easily than I can things like bread. If I must have bread save it to the end of the meal.  I have, on many occasions,  failed to resist the before dinner bread.   When I put my meal on top of bread it never ends well.  Either I end up overeating or getting stuck or I don't get to eat any of the food I actually ordered because I am too full with bread.

When I order out I think carefully about what will be relatively safe to order.  If I am super tight I stick to soup.  If I am just normally tight I get something small (many times off the starter menu) and avoid things that have in the past got me into trouble.  Pasta has to be dealt with cautiously, as does beef and potato.  Almost everything else I can have a reasonable amount of on a normal day.  On loose days I go for steak.  I figure I should eat good old fashioned meat when I am loose and do.

5.  tech-Aggedon update:  David came home Friday night and spent 3 hours trying to save the computer.  It is dead.  he worked on the credit card reader and phone with the same success I had (we both tested and it worked upstairs but didn't down).  We finally cracked the case when he went to unplug a power strip from one wall.  We found to our surprise that right in the middle of the store is a Ground Fault int. outlet.  He turned on the power again at the wall and several things came back to life.  The computer, phone and credit card reader were not before the GFI outlet on the circuit but appear to have also beed impacted by the problem.  As as soon as we fixed this plug and outlet the others pieces of equipment at least came to life.  David finally called the credit card swiper and asked them to help us with that problem and found out that there was a login password that we had never been given.  but....everything I need is now working again :)!!

xxxooo

Tech-a-geddon

Last night Grace and I had a conversation about what would go down next. We had this conversation with no real expectations that something ACTUALLY WOULD!!!

Day 1.  power cut, rebooted house stuff.
Day 2. Shop wired internet goes down-taking the printer, the credit card reader with it.  I compensated with my laptop (a wireless connection).  And a portable credit card reader with my cell phone.
Day 3.  Telephone goes down-I move it from plug to plug and changed batteries.  I finally got the line to work on an old school rotary but only upstairs in my kitchen.
Day 4. While continuing to diagnose the telephone issues the breaker flips and all the shop lights go out.  I fix the breaker but in the process lost power to the exterior wall of my shop and all outside lights on my house.  Telephone problem isn't solved either.

David returns home tonight.  My joke with a friend is:  I don't know whether to meet him at the door in lingerie or with a tool-belt.  She voted on both!

On a good note a had a rep bring in some gorgeous yarn today.  I am so in love with it I want to marry it :)  So soft, so sparkly and so rich!

Techno Moan

Whenever David goes on a business trip our technology goes down.  I am sure I have written about this before.  This round seems to have come in with a bang and at the most inopportune time possible.

David flew out early yesterday.  At 12:30 am I was watching TV and crochet-ing Callum's snowman II (picture is attached).  With a quick pop our power cut out then came back on after a few minutes.  It popped off and on again a few minutes later.  The TV came back on but our Netflix box was down and could not log on again.  We had internet soon after the cut but I had no home email server.  My computer worked earlier in the day and the credit card slider seemed to be working OK ( I was closed so I didnt try to use it but it sat there with out complaining).

I went down and restarted the house server and Grace rebooted the TV so by afternoon we had everything back online.  This afternoon round two of the tech apocalypse began. I had several patterns to make copies of for a craft show I am participating in tomorrow. The printer shut down and did not seem fixable. I had a night knitting class and had two try and buy some yarn for their projects.  The computer would not come on. Then I found that the credit card reader could not 'connect to the host'.  My Store has crashed!!  I could probably cope OK with all of this tomorrow but I have a friend manning the store for me while I do the craft fair.  She can work without a computer but the credit card reader..not so much.

I woke David up on the east coast with a text and we figured out that something is up with the internet connection downstairs.  The machine works upstairs.   When I took it back downstair sand plugged it directly into the wall..it worked for a few minutes but then started spazzing out like trying to hook up online over and over and then spitting out tape with error messages.

arghghg..I am too busy for this stuff.  one more day until he comes home.  I hope I keep my sanity.

xxxooo

A-OK

Horse News:

We took Grace to the Ortho. to have her foot checked.  Amazingly she managed to walk on it right when she found out it was time to go (hmm funny how a trip to the doctor causes a miraculous recovery).  Anyway she was examined and we think x-rayed (David did the taking and he volunteered to leave her alone with the doctor-crap I don't even leave him alone with the doctor!!!).  Ok that is a tad of an exaggeration but in a nut-shell we have to take her translation because David didn't get  any direct info.  She says the doctor said:  bruised bone.  must be able to hop back and forth on one foot before she could get back on the horse.

She immediately tried jumping back and forth on her feet and by Friday (24 hours later) she was good to get on.  We found out at noon (because she was dressed and ready to go a full 4.5 hours before it was time) that her helmet broke in the fall.  there is a plastic liner in them that helps the helmet stay tight against the riders head.  The force of her coming off the horse twisted the helmet on her head and sheared off the plastic connectors.  She had to borrow one at the stable Friday and unless the postal service is quick will have to again.  Not a very high quality product it doesn't seem..or..she hit her head harder than anyone let on.  I am just going to choose product poor quality here.

Bandy News:

Holy Mother Moly I mad a very LARGE error in judgement this weekend.  Thursday night david and I popped out to our local (I love that we have a local we can walk to now).  for a drink before bed.  I have a hand-work guild in the evenings that usually ends around 9 or 10. I am usually a bit wired afterwards so sometimes we pop over to the bar for a quick drink.  Well I had my drink (ok two) and it was all good.  On our walk back we walked down the main street and up as bold and brass in one of the windows was a man (a man I have spoken too mind you but not a friend) sitting buck naked eating a bowl of cereal with his cat perched on the table next to him..yes it was that clear and my eyes were burning.  An amusing but freaky sight...but that is not the point here no matter how entertaining.

On Friday night we decided to go to the bar again.  I know (not a good idea).  We have gotten to know a few people at the bar just to chit chat with so we lounged on the bar stools and drank a bit (my two favorites are hot chocolate and rumple minz or orange juice and rumple minz.  I found the other guy in the neighborhood who drinks the bottle they have behind the counter too!!  so..one hot chocolate and..two more with orange juice (one was a tall and double)  I was just a touch inebriated.  We had a great time came home went to bed ..sleep..a bit of a wake up tummy ache in the middle of the night but not horrible.  

The next morning..aaaackckckc I was not feeling so good.  I went back and forth all day whether I had a hangover or..jus twas feeling a little crappy.  This continued.  I had my morning coffee.  a few piecesso cheese for lunch.  I wasn't really  hungry but had one of those perhaps I need some food feelings when ill.  I had an afternoon coffee and directly afterwards..had the biggest stomach ache on the planet.  I walked, I paced.  I even tried to go into the bathroom and well..see if something was stuck.  it wasn't.  This tummy thing coupled with shoulder pain went on for about an hour.  At one point I contemplated going to the ER..I had flashes of OH crap maybe this is what a heart attack feels like.  I had a customer in the middle of it and pretended that I was OK..with difficulty.  Finally we closed and I came upstairs to lay down and then paced some more because laying down didn't help..finally I started to burp..and burp...and burp..and burp...and burp.  I must have build up a nuclear bomb of air in my system.  

I am blaming the OJ and rumple minz from the night before.  Goodness knows if that is the case.  I was fine after the burp-fest and have been fine today.  Very odd experience..oddest ever in fact.  

xxxooo

crappity

1.  Grace had a little accident while horseback riding on Monday.  The horse started running.  Grace tends to hunker down when that happens.  That is not what one is supposed to do (and she freely admits that).  The horse took that as a message to go faster.  He took a corner and she came off.  The horse was between me and her body so I did not see exactly what happened but there was a horse turn, a kid sliding off the back and an almighty thunk.  The horse moved and my child was laying on the ground.  I at first thought she was passed out but the instructor got over to her quickly and she was awake but had the wind knocked out of her.  She moved (yup..pretty relieved from my position).  She got up and said that the noise was the horses stirrup (with her foot involved). I would like to totally believe her here but a tiny bit of my worries that she might be stretching the truth because she does not want to lose horseback riding.

She got back on the horse and rode for most of the rest of the lesson.  She walked to the car.  Came up stairs (would not eat dinner).  Tuesday-she stayed upstairs and crawled between our two rooms, a TV and the bathroom.  She said she was sore Tuesday night (neck and ankle). Her ankle and foot were very swollen.  I called an orthopedic doctor to make an appointment.  The swelling is down but her foot still doesn't look good.  She has an appointment for tomorrow.

She knows that if it is broken she is off horses for 6-8 weeks.  She knows that if it is sprained badly she might be off for longer.  She is not very happy.  Part of me is relieved with the idea because she is at a place in her riding that gets more and more risky (learning to jump in competitions).  The other part is sad because I know she loves to ride and is rather good at it most of the time.

2.  Scale?  I am hoping that it stays but I have not had a chance to get on it in a few days.  I am a hungrier girl again (hormones..i love them and hate them at the same time).  I have seriously got to get off my arse and figure out some exercise..any exercise. Right now I am getting a fair bit of exercise running up and down three flights of stairs to check on Grace and then run back down to the shop.

3.  I made and felted a crocheted snowman today.  His body parts are stuffed but still in body parts..kind of fitting I think for the last few crazy days..head and body are connected.  Arms and legs are not :) bahahaha.

xxxooo

Finally Another Drop

Wahoo..The major drop in food consumption has finally showed up on the scale.  I hit 177 today.  Man this old age or ruined metabolism or whatever the heck it is- bites.

Other than my two coffees (and even they are drastically reduced) I basically eat a small dinner and that is all.  If I get hungry in the evening I might add in a protein smoothy.

Normal:  1 tall peppermint mocha, 1 tall peppermint mocha frapp, 2 oz meat, 2-3 bites vegetables.  If I get hungry later in the evening (and this is not very often anymore since the last fill).  1/2 cup milk, 1/4 cup OJ, 1 scoop sugar free whey protein powder, and 3/4 c ice whirred up in the blender.

exercise-still not doing it.


xxxooo

Sometimes a Little Cold is Welcome.

This week has been the best of times and the worst..but all in all I will take it.

1.  Busy busy week at the store! up side-money and lots of yarn going out the door hooray-down side is I am soo tired.
2.  I caught the cold that is running around town. Lots of snot, off and on slight fever etc. -up side I am not hungry!!  The 3 pound loss is holding steady and I have to force down dinner.  I just don't want to eat.  Everything sounds blecky.
3. The fill is working great and many of those bad habits I had developed over the least year are fading again.  I am sticking to the no food after 6ish-7ish.  If I am hungry later I make a protein smoothy.  Down side...nope even with less food in a sitting I am not feeling a down side to this one.
4.  Menopause bites.  No period for 2-3 months (cause I cannot remember exactly) but this week..lets just say the one from hell with no warning. Eeek.  This, the cold and the busy work day adds up to Tired with a capital T.
5.  Dinnerland's post of frustration was a real eye opener to me.  I love it when someone vents and it is exactly what you need to hear at the time.  We all get frustrated at times and ready to throw in the towel.  Downside-I really had/have to do something about it.

What I love most about hanging with all of you bloggy peoples is that very often one does not realize the things one needs to do, pay attention, change or even think about until you see someone else talking about it, complaining about it or even succeeding from it.  I do not know if she realized it but she wrote down some of the same feelings I have had at times in this journey.  Sure there are the polly Anna people among us bloggers but I think each and every one of us have good hours, days, weeks and months and we have bad, frustrating or just downright hopeless times when we worry that this is it.  The difficult part but great part is that in watching/reading about someone else go through it is that suddenly you know what you need to do.  It is all easy to respond with sage advice and say this is what you need to do but when you realize that if you know what they need to do you had better apply it in your own back yard :)

Well Dinnerland...your post helped me finally see the 2x4 in my own eye (if you know that biblical verse about judging others).

This evening I am:  going to eat a nice but very small high protein (steak sounds nice) dinner.  I am going to Costco to pick up a cedar garland for my front porch (yes I will show you pics when it is decorated).  I am going to knit up a lovely sparkly cowl for my bunco group Christmas party next month.

xxxooo

There is a post over  at Dinnerland that got my response juices rolling.  Here is my long-winded response.  Stuff from Dinnerland's place is in italics.  My responses are in normal font.

1. Losing weight is hard.  but..easier with the band. Will everyone get to goal-the research at least in the study I remember:  10 years after surgery the average lapband patient has lost 50% of their weight.  That is some lose it all and regain, some never lose etc.  After a discussion with my surgeon who is a big wig researcher and research reader I found that the reviews of lapband surgery are mixed.  There are plenty who find success with it.  Those who do manage to somehow listen to their stop signs and manage to not overfill their pouches.  The surgeon also said that the sleeve seems to be better at triggering your brain to stop desiring food (triggers the satiation button that they think is located past the stomach).

2. What is success?  goal? what you weighed in high school?  what you wish you had weighed when you were 30?  My goal shifted. It was 200, then 180 then 170 and then when I made it to 164 and then 160 of course I shifted my brain and my clothing sizes.  I want that 160 damnit.  Can I have it as a 48 year old menopausal woman?  maybe not.  Of course more importantly am I willing to sacrifice what needs sacrificing to have it?

3.  What are you willing to change for the above?  You have to.  Some people record what they eat.  I do not. Some give up foods or food groups.  I have given up wheat most of the time.  I sometimes give up my precious coffee drinks (oh this one is so hard).  Some exercise more (what I totally need to see 160-164 again but not sure I am up for the challenge).  How little are you willing to eat?  I am down to a VERY small amount.  Much less than I ever thought I could bear.  I am totally OK with that these days but I know others who cannot.  I do know that I have to or I have to give up my low goal and go for a higher one (like 180)  Only each person can decide between the changes and the results.

In reponse to Dinnerland directly:

1) Seems like many successful bandsters measure portions-I do but not overtly.  I eat out of a coffee mug and fill it half full.  I eyeball my meat portions and stick to a size that is about half the size of my hand and then very carefully listen to the feelings in my chest and throat.  I can feel when I am getting to the point that is full for me these days.  It feels different than the old full  it is definitely a pressure in my chest not a painful one just a feeling.

2) Seems like many successful bandsters follow more rules than they break. What rules?  I really feel like I have one.  Do not drink when you eat.  Sure I do other things like usually eat my protein first but not always.  Don't drink my calories-nah.  If I feel like I need a drink I have one (unless food is involved).  Exercise-well not so much but I do try to walk further and take the long way around when faced with the option.

3) Seems like many successful bandsters listen to their bodies, but don't eat beyond measured portions most of the time (even if still hungry.)  Nope not me.  I listen to pouch.  My tummy dosn't tell me hungry or not these days.  If my pouch gets full I stop (or pay the consequences and this just does not happen often anymore).  If I am hungry and I still have food I can eat I go eat it until my pouch is full.  Of course I will try and pick something fairly good for me. If I feel like my pouch empties too fast or holds too much I try a fill.  The worst case scenario is I have to get some back out.  but without trying I will never know.

4) Seems like many successful bandsters weigh in regularly-- though perhaps not daily.  I weight most days.There was a time when I didn't weight myself.  When I went from 250 to 300. never again on that one.

5) Seems like most successful bandsters eat the sames things daily oftentimes.

Good lord all mighty no...This is actually what I used to do when I was at my old weight.  drive up window a few times a week.  eating out others.  Now food is an adventure to be had.  I have vowed to eat two bites of anything I have never tried before.  If anything is normal it is my morning lack of breakfast replaced with coffee.  and in a pinch I go for cheese. I never have the same thing two days in a row and frankly leftovers scare me a bit ;)  

6) Seems like there are more 'struggling' or 'getting there' bandsters than perfect success stories...Well..again does one expect this to be magic?  Nothing worth getting ever is.  The band makes it doable for some-many??  but by no means is it a free ride. It takes work, change, and figuring out the things that one can sustain for the long term not a week or a month or even a year.

From the comments:

Seems like many successful bandsters do not have other people to feed every day, like kids and a husband-I have a husband who has weight issues.  I have four daughters one of whom still lives at home.  We have all changed how we eat and for the better.  having kids around the house isn't easy but eating healthy is good for everyone.  No one should eat pizza and fast food or carb laden meals or processed meals all of the time.  I did this to set good examples for my family.  If I do not change and then change what they are served what is the point?

 

Seems like many successful bandsters did not spend 30 years dieting-I spent 44 years fat and probably 36 of them dieting.  I was that fat kid everyone made fun of in P.E.

.

Seems like many successful bandsters are like, 2% of total bandsters.-this one loops back to how do you define success.  My doctor said i was success at 200 pounds.  I say success or where I want to be is 164.  I am at 178...is that success?  the game isn't over because one day you stand on the scale and it says what you want.  The scale moves and changes. How much one eats and move changes from day to day.    Even the skinnies of the world have weights that vary they just don't stress over it so much.

 In other words, extremely unusual and "results not typical." 

Seems like there really are not that many successful bandsters, if success means 90% or more of excess weight lost. Go ahead. Count them. On one hand. 

Seems like there are many successful bandsters, if success means 60% of excess weight loss. 





-yup..one does have to look at this part :)

And...Forget about becoming someone completely different. Many "successful" bandsters already had the personality traits in place to make this work.  hmm  I don't think I did really.  So you are saying one can be born to be a successful bandster?  Sure I have seen that many online bansters are go-getters with jobs, families, travelers etc.  but...is that just why they are online and the quiet ones aren't that way?? or did we just have the guts to go take care of the problem with surgery?  I don't think anyone knows the answer to this one.  I do feel VERY different.  Sure my morals are the same.  I still love my husband and kids.  I do live in the world differently.  clothing and shoes and beauty is fun now-it was not before.  I am more adventurous now.  I stand up for myself now.  I flirt.  People look at me and I smile and greet them.  Those are all very different parts of me than before.

 They were born this way and lived this way. If you think you can change your entire personality at this point, forget it. 

I think you are great and beautiful the way you are. I think you are a successful woman, a good mother, and a good wife. I think you need to celebrate your successes. 

If you have been around the same weight for over a year, chances, are, this is it for you and the band.-I agree than you can look at what you have and how far you have come and celebrate it.  but..I disagree that just because it has been a year you need to give up.  What do you want?  what are you willing to do to get more weight off?  You will have to change something.  What is it?  If you are than go for it.  A fill might be involved.  an alternative method might be involved.  Write it down..try it out for a good long while and see.  Question whether you can do it long term or not?  if not..then are you OK with here.  If not than try something else that you think you can sustain.  That something else might be small like a food change and/or exercise.  It might be medium like a fill or it might be big like a change to an alternative weight-loss surgery.

 I

Slow but Moving

Apparently November is the yarn month of the year.  The shop has definitely been busy.  As usual much of my time has been spend over in that internet world instead of this one.  On the diet/weight front things are looking up (or down rather).

My clothes-fitting better.
My scale-batteries fixed weight down to 178.0 from on a bad day 182 so 4 pounds.  I am not going to complain.

My hair is shedding again.  I am assuming this just happens to be how I lose weight...My hair is really thick and made of lead.  No not really but apparently when I cut the calories back enough to actually lose weight my hair seems to exit with it.

I can eat plenty but I do not desire much of anything.  Really little bits of food here.  I don't really want lunch and sometimes skip it.  If I do eat it it is very small like a couple slices of cheese or yogurt.

I usually eat dinner (and a reasonable amount for a bandy like myself).  On days when I work and do not get a chance to get up stairs for dinner I do not crave a big old ice cream face plant.  I do want food sometimes but if I eat that food I risk acid reflux from hell so I just make a smoothy and call it good.

My lesson from this:  if you are going to do something about your weight do it well before menopause because it SCREWS with your metabolism BIG TIME.

Now to be honest I have not done a whole lot about exercise.  David and I are doing some plotting because we know it needs to be fixed.  Grace also has asked that we work out some plan as her horse back riding teacher said that if she picked up another fitness activity it would help with her posture and stuff on the horse.  Anyone who says anything will help Grace with her horseback riding (seriously if they said jump off a bridge because it would help)  She would do it.  Our tentative plan is to move our treadmill (collecting dust in the storage garage) and stationary bike (bike is in the front gear to make it stationary is probably also in storage).  Now the plan was made last week and nothing is yet put into the back room/garage.

Other stuff:  I got offers to teach a couple of classes in Jan. at my old Community college job.  I took it (This girl cannot pass up steady income).  I have had three new students sign up for math tutoring up until January.  I am still working the store all of the time but will probably hire someone to pick up a day or at least a few hours each week.

so...slow but moving is good enough.

The Fill Works-The Scale not so much

I have now had this fill for a week. It is definitely working.  My hunger is gone.  I am back to my old days of a really small meals and it leaves my stomach very slowly (at times almost too slowly really).  A couple of days I even went all day without a meal (just wasn't hungry).

Now to the $@%$#@# scale.  Thankfully today the darn thing had dead batteries because I am about ready to chuck the thing out.  I have not lost a single pound.  Not even a partial pound.  I used to have such a healthy relationship with my scale (ok sort of healthy anyway).  Now the thing has become the bane of my existence.

The up side:  Small meals, no hunger, No evening munchy breakdowns where I dive into ice cream or some other equally hideously bad for me foods.  In fact any eating after 6pm or so causes me to have some pretty horrible night-time acid reflux.  When I do not attend to this I pay the price.

I made the mistake twice-I will not do so again.

I am by no means giving up but...disappointed at this point.

xxxooo

A Visit to the Surgeon

I finally called, made the appointment and went in to have a little chat and possible fill with my surgeon.  I am going to bullet this because it is a bunch of random stuff.

• His nurse practitioner is out on maternity leave.  He only has office hours on Tuesday! WTF?  The rest of the week he is doing surgery.  My question is...how the heck can proper follow up happen with that sparse of a followup schedule?  Of course he had no one in the office when I went in so perhaps he is not doing much of anything or doing a lot of researchy kinds of stuff???
• we talked about my weight gain.  He discussed the fact that over time I might get smarter at eating around the band (duh I know).  He said that he didn't want me to develop an pouch in my esoph.  I asked him how I would know..he said that the biggest sign would be reflux that was not acidic.  Well thus far any reflux I experience is definitely acidy..so..I guess I am good there.  
• He gave me a 0.2cc fill.  I had all of my 7cc's in the band still so no leak.   It really had little effect when I drank my post fill water but I can feel a little difference this week.  
• Down 2 pounds so far.
• We talked about the sleeve.  He says research is finding that that band seems to work best for patients who learn to listen to another kind of satisfied (not the brain kind but the feel of their food in the pouch).  He said that the sleeve seems to work much like bypass surgery in that the food empties from the sleeve-like stomach faster than it would have with a big one.  The food then more quickly triggers nerve endings that send a message to the brain for satiety.  From what I gathered this means that thus far the sleeve shows promising results much like that of a bypass but without the nutritional issues.
• He definitely said that I am a successful band patient and that whether I carry these extra 20 pound or not I should work hard to keep my band and work hard at avoiding 'packing' food in.
• He said that if I feel the need for another fill he will first schedule an upper GI to make sure I do not have problems before doing another fill.
• The difference:  I have dropped back to tall coffees and also drinking tea at home.  No ice-cream cravings so far.  My meal sizes are similar but I stay satisfied much longer.
• Still a struggle:  Eating in the evening.  On evenings where I don't take the time for dinner (night classes or group nights)  I pay because I come upstairs at 9pm or later and forage for food.  It has not been ice cream but even a cracker or two, cheese etc.  sits in my stoma for a while and then I have to wait quite late before going to bed or pay with reflux.  

xxxooo

I Am Feeling Failure

Despite the no drinking calories rule, Despite the Walking rule the scale isn't moving and I am getting impatient.  Today I call in for a visit to the fill-meister.  I am sure this is a common problem---but what to do?

I guess I need to go find the four years out group and have a chat with them?  Are any of you four years out?  Have you hit goal and then experienced the bounce back?  I know I am not that unusual so there has to be a bunch of us.

I do know that lapband high that I was on up until now was lovely but I have now hit the ground and hard.

xxxooo

Day one and all is well.

Yesterday was so awesome!!  Sure I wasn't perfect in everything but I really felt like I had some mojo back.  Life is funny and mojo is a pain in the arse when you don't have it.  I am glad that whatever the shopping and kick up the backside got moving stays for a while.

My daughter rousted me out of bed this morning and we went for a 4.5 mile walk in the rain!!!  I got home just in time to get changed and get the store open.  After I got the signs out my legs started itching like CRAZY!!  As far as I can tell it was because I had blood flow in my thighs for the first time in a while.  I was seriously an uncontrollable itch from hell.  At first I thought my new skirt (from the shopping trip that changed things) was the issue but it was really the walk.  I scratched away but now it seems fine.  My feet are still tingly though (in a good way).

I drank an entire bottle of water while on the walk and had a tall coffee (yup with calories) but won't have another today.  More water...just more calorie free drinks for this girl.  I ate breakfast and am still full but will have lunch in a while.

I do feel better already.  I am going to hold off on the scale for a week or so and get some distance and good behavior under my belt.

xxxoooo

Who Would Have Known-

I had a little chat to David last night about my dieting mojo.  It is hard to describe this feeling (as it was in my conversation last night) but I am going to give it a try.  So here is the deal.  I have had a really hard time getting my head into the 'do what I need to do game.'  I went through years and years of it when I ballooned to my full weight of 304 but now the problem seems to have reared its ugly head again.  For all but the last year of my post band life I have been motivated.  Sure there was the odd week of bender-like behavior but for the most part when something needed doing I pulled on my big girl pants and got down to business.

So now..I know there is stuff I need to do but my brain is just too tired to motivate my arse into gear.  Well that was until yesterday when I embarked on the day that changed things.  Two things happened yesterday that are blog-worthy.  I went clothes shopping and I blogged.

The shopping:  Grace needed new clothes and of course I needed new bigger girl clothes.  The thing is something happened while I was trying on those clothes.  Sure the size 12's fit OK and they looked fine.  The problem is that each pair of pants I tried on made me think of a perfectly good pair already hanging in my closet that I LOVE...I decided during this few hours that I want my old clothes bad enough to do something about it.

The Blogging:  I blogged about this bad place I am in and lo and behold people responded.  We have all said it.  When we blog we find out motivation.  When we blog we figure out we are not alone.  The funny thing is that somehow when it is me in that non-blogging bad place I have to wallow in it for a while in order to take action.

So today I have some mojo.  Last night I put my brain to work puzzling over what needed to be done.  Obviously action of some kind.  There are two shining beacons of wrong-doing in my dieting plan.  I have blogged about both of them and they pop out at me every time I read back (and frankly I know they have needed doing for quite some time only I was burying my head int he sand in avoidance).

I have got to stop drinking calories.  I know I am doing it.  I have been doing it for a long time.  Sure I managed to lose weight while gradually increasing my consumption of sweet drinks (yup the coffee rears its ugly head again).  When I laid in bed last night and took an honest look at my behavior over the last 6 months I can honestly say I have definitely figured out ways to slip calories past my band and worse have been doing it on a regular basis.  a frapp here a cocktail there and ice cream chasers.  I have switched to the horrendous practice of drinking my breakfast in the form of a sweet coffee drink and not eating until afternoon.  This late lunch then turns into an even later dinner that I grab on the fly.  It is often a slice of cheese and cracker.  Finally I will finish up one of my night knitting sessions and head straight on over for some ice-creamy dessert or if I am being good a protein smoothie.

So today-no more calorific liquids.  They warned me against this when I first visited the nutritionist before surgery.  They wrote in bold letters in my paperwork.  Do not drink blended or sweetened coffee drinks.  Did I listen..oh no...The evil plot my brain and body furnace has waged soon had me doing exactly what I was told not to do.  I am sure this will not be easy.

I need to exercise again.  I was biking and walking all over the place before.  Now I have a hard time shifting myself to get a move on.  I have lots of ideas but I am not sure how easy this one is going to be to crack.  I have a stationary bike so I might drag into my shop and knit and ride or I might keep trying to walk.  I do have a walking date tomorrow morning with my daughter for a start.  I do know I need to  do something.

The action plan is being made. and actions being taken.   No calories in liquid form so far today.  one real meal down the hatch.

xxxooo

I Cracked and Went Up A Size

Fall has finally arrived in Portland.  We actually got all of the way to October with loads of warm weather and sunshine.  This is not so good for business at a yarn store however for a girl who has put on 20 pounds it has helped me avoid facing up to them.  Shorts and skirts may get a little tight but they still look ok when that tummy of mine expands oh by 8 inches or so.  Jeans..Oh crapity now those are a different beast entirely.

Today it was cold and I had to pry myself into my size 10 Levis.  Just one year ago I picked those size 10's up at Boobs 2011 and here I am one year later scrambling to find something that I can actually breathe in while sitting down.  Well I strained myself into them and wore them all day but this evening I cracked again and went out to my local Levi's supplier and up-sized to a 12.

So here is the funny thing.  A size 12 was my dream size and now somehow it has become a disappointment?  From the time i was 16 until the ripe old age of 46 I dreamed of size 12.  Once in high school I poured myself into a size 14 and looked on that size 12 with envy.  Now...having had a taste of 8 and 10 I now find 12 very disappointing.

So the question I keep asking myself.  Is it me? is it my restriction?  Should I be happy here?  Should I work harder?  For some reason I am having a heck of a time getting my head back in this weight loss game.

Good things at this now slightly larger size:

My fingernails are now much stronger.
My hair has come back in much like its old thick self.
My blood work was back to full on vitamins and minerals.

Not so Good things:

the size 8's and 10's are really too tight and I might have to get a new wardrobe for Winter (um..is this not so good?..I kind of like those old clothes but I could go shopping :))

My energy is not what it was at the lower weight.
I feel slightly out of control all of the time and battle the self-blame again.  You know kind of like the dieting days of old pre-band days.

What I know:
I need to find some exercise that I sustain.  The shop is posing a real problem in that I am in it all day.  My old strategy of parking far from the store, taking the long way to and from work and shopping are kind of out of kilter with a new job that is in my basement.

What I don't know:
If a fill is something I should pursue or not.

xxxooo

Self-Inflicted Acid Reflux

Why why why why...do I never learn.  Why is it that when I am launching myself out the door to go for that enticing container of ice cream and the 30 minutes it takes me to purchase it, bring it home, get out a spoon, walk up the stairs and further another 30 minutes to work my way through the damn thing do I not ever think about the consequences I will get in bed that night?

It happens almost every time.  I end up with a night of little sleep, sleeping while sitting up, painful shoulder, acid shooting up my throat, painful chest and further a stuck scale or even worse the needle going up.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

My Day Off: What do you think?

The lovely people at happy nails do hair too.  They talked me into blonde highlights to cover my gray.  I was Skeered...I kind of like it so far.  What do you think?

Holy Mackerel I Can Actually Skip the Coffee Frapp!

I am one week into my little anti-coffee stop campaign and two weeks into the walking one.   To be quite frank I am doing better on the coffee campaign then the walking one.

Two weeks walking-two four mile walks and 4 one-ish mile walks.  This probably only compensates for the lack of short walks to Starbucks twice a day.  Instead I have only had three Starbucks sponsored Peppermint Mocha Frapp in the last week and each was just one..two I can blame on my enabler husband this weekend who delivered them to me :).

I really like my newly self-made Chai latte frapp.  that I make at home.  The benefit to this is drastically reduced sugar (none), higher protein, more calcium and yumminess.  The recipe:

3//4 cup milk
1/2 cup cold chai tea (the unsweetened kind made from Oregon Chai Tea bags.  I put two-three in my mug in the morning with 1 cup boiling water.  I pour half into another cup and cool it with ice and then leave the tea bags in the mug and put it in the fridge for later.
1 1/2 cups crushed ice
1-2 Tablespoons of Vanilla whey protein powder ( I like muscle milk brand from costco).
I put this all into my Magic Bullet and whir it up.

I get a big old mug full (the big one from the Magic Bullet..it is almost as yummy as the one from my new favorite coffee shop.

The scale-Stuck hard between 179 and 180.  sigh...

xxxooo

One Day Without Starbucks.

I found A yummy coffee shop near Graces new School. (I know gets your chins off the floor)..Close your mouth..Yes Indeed Changes.  At this coffee shop they have a wondrous Blended Chai Latte.  I know Starbucks has them but I figured this would be a good time to disentangle myself from the naughtiness that is Starbucks.  I figure as long as I never get that drink at Starbucks I will be able to make them at home and drink one at this special but too far away for a daily habit coffee shop.

So this morning I got up and went to the grocery store to get supplies.  Milk, chai tea bags (these just have the tea and spices with no extra junk).  While there I picked up a loaf of bread and some lunch meat.  I then came home and steeped two bags of my new tea in 1 c up boiling water.  Then using my Magic Bullet I whipped up my own blended chai latte.

1 c crushed ice
1 c milk
1/2 c chai cooled down with some ice tossed on after it was dark enough.
1/2 scoop of vanilla whey protein powder (this is the sweetener part).

It was VERY good.  It has more milk than the Starbucks peppermint mochas I normally drink and therefore more protein, calcium, vitamin D etc.  The protein powder is sweet but sugar free so I cut WAY down on my sugar intake.  The protein powder means I had a much higher protein breakfast. and finally the calories went way down.

Oh..and did I mention saving money?  I am hoping for a vacation round about Christmas time and the money saving would help that.

wahhoooo ;)

Who Knew!

So guess freaking what...(picture me hitting my forehead with my hand right now).  Changing just one thing is the BEST strategy on the Flipping planet..and it was equally good when I came up with it..oh 4 freaking years ago.  Now what the heck happened between last year and this year when I totally forgot the plot is unknown.  Apparently I have been suffering from some sort of idiocy induced amnesia!!!

Guess what?  When you do ONE thing to change what you have been doing it is DOABLE.  picture me knocking my head against some door jam somewhere (now perhaps this is why I forgot my mantra last year but hey..maybe if I knock my head against door jams enough times I will lodge the stupid idea into my brain permanently .  Today I rolled my sorry arse out of bed at 8am.  I purchases a small coffee (yes still have that habit and didn't change it -except for the smaller size).  I then rolled past the house at 9am with Cinda (Daughter number 3).  We walked the 4 mile loop around my new FLAT neighborhood.  I arrived back just in time to change my clothes and open the door of the store.

and Lo and behold...I had good circulation in my feet (no swelling).  I wasn't really hungry today AT ALL!  just ate a little lunch and didnt go rooting around for snacks.  and I feel good.  Of course I am tired but heck it is after 11pm.  I cannot wait to get on it again tomorrow (tomorrow is school day so we will talk the max and walk to Graces school).  wahhooooooooo

I cannot wait to see if the scale agrees with me in the morning :)

xxxooo

Four Years, Twelve Years, and Tomorrow.

Four Years:  It has been four full years (well and 1 month but who is counting) since I had my lapband installed.  One year and 6 months ago I hit goal weight. This year has seen a renewal in my battle as after I quit my job and attended BOOBS 2011 my weight began to creep up.  I am now sitting at 15 pounds over goal and 20 pounds over my lowest weight ever as an adult.  So what sage advice to I have this far out?

• It is always work.  Sure there are days when it feels easy and there are days when you feel like you are on top of the world but the weight loss battle is never easy with or without the lapband.  For me the lapband made it possible but not easy.  
• We are very complicated creatures and losing weight is equally complicated.  When I changed something I had to give it a good two weeks sometimes before I saw any results.  I also found (and completely let slip out of my sight during the last six months) that changing just one thing at a time for a period of time yielded results.  1.  It was doable, 2.  it made a difference and often created changes in other areas as a consequence not work and 3.  gave me someTHING to focus on instead of creating a distraction of things (like when I decided that limiting a bucket load of everything was the way to go) waiting to trip me up.
• We are very good and figuring out how to eat around a band.  After four years it is really easy to slip into habits that sabotage myself.  I honestly do not think this is a conscious thing but one deeply embedded in our brains.  The brain that still thinks we are fat.  The brain that is still a little broken because that band is a physical barrier around our stomach not something that fixed whatever chemically or physically was out of sync in the first place to make us obese.

I am definitely in a phase of rethinking how and what this band will hold for the next few years.  It is working fine.  I have, however, developed some unsavory habits that need to change.  I slip things past it.  I drink things past it.  I sit with food and feed it in over a period of time to get it down.  I use sauces or what some bandsters fondly call 'food lube'.  All of these things are only hurting myself.  I have attempted some pretty stupid (stupid because I should know better by now) dramatic interventions to re-lose the weight but..I should have known myself better by now.  I am now ruminating on the ONE thing I am going to change for the next two weeks to try and get a handle on this problem.  At this point in the thinking it is going to be daily exercise as that is the glaring change that happened when I opened the shop a few months ago and quit my job several months before that.  So...one thing for the next two weeks.  

Twelve years:

David and I failed..well sort of..to celebrate our anniversary this year.  We have been full on since Winter with moving, jobs, and Grace shifting to home-school.  a few weeks ago we finally went to the beach with Grace as we didn't plan or take really any vacation this summer.  While walking along the beach it suddenly occurred to us that it was our anniversary.  We both..forgot.  It was OK and at least we were having a bit of a day off at the time.  Is this a sign of aging?  things going stale?  or exhaustion? :)

 Shortly Before Surgery August 2008

 Down 75 pounds August 2009

2010 was a very active year and I was down 

134 pounds in this photo.  This is less than I weigh in at now.

Down 146 pounds- Below Goal 2011

Down 126 pounds (15 pound above goal weight)

Tomorrow:  Day off :)  Grace needs a new passport.  I am visiting the doctor for a check-up of sorts and to moan about all of my aches and pains.  Tomorrow..A walk for 4 miles (as we have a great loop in our neighborhood and David is on board too).

Wish me lots of rain (people knit when the weather is crap :))..Happy september to you all!!

xxxooo