Fall has finally arrived in Portland. We actually got all of the way to October with loads of warm weather and sunshine. This is not so good for business at a yarn store however for a girl who has put on 20 pounds it has helped me avoid facing up to them. Shorts and skirts may get a little tight but they still look ok when that tummy of mine expands oh by 8 inches or so. Jeans..Oh crapity now those are a different beast entirely.
Today it was cold and I had to pry myself into my size 10 Levis. Just one year ago I picked those size 10's up at Boobs 2011 and here I am one year later scrambling to find something that I can actually breathe in while sitting down. Well I strained myself into them and wore them all day but this evening I cracked again and went out to my local Levi's supplier and up-sized to a 12.
So here is the funny thing. A size 12 was my dream size and now somehow it has become a disappointment? From the time i was 16 until the ripe old age of 46 I dreamed of size 12. Once in high school I poured myself into a size 14 and looked on that size 12 with envy. Now...having had a taste of 8 and 10 I now find 12 very disappointing.
So the question I keep asking myself. Is it me? is it my restriction? Should I be happy here? Should I work harder? For some reason I am having a heck of a time getting my head back in this weight loss game.
Good things at this now slightly larger size:
My fingernails are now much stronger.
My hair has come back in much like its old thick self.
My blood work was back to full on vitamins and minerals.
Not so Good things:
the size 8's and 10's are really too tight and I might have to get a new wardrobe for Winter (um..is this not so good?..I kind of like those old clothes but I could go shopping :))
My energy is not what it was at the lower weight.
I feel slightly out of control all of the time and battle the self-blame again. You know kind of like the dieting days of old pre-band days.
What I know:
I need to find some exercise that I sustain. The shop is posing a real problem in that I am in it all day. My old strategy of parking far from the store, taking the long way to and from work and shopping are kind of out of kilter with a new job that is in my basement.
What I don't know:
If a fill is something I should pursue or not.
xxxooo
Living with a lapband after seeing goal is just as much work as getting there. This blog chronicles my journey to qualify for band surgery, my work to goal weight and now living with the band long term. Weight will always be an issue but there is a whole lot of living to be done.
4 comments:
Tina.. I'm in the exact same place down to the 10 -> 12 jeans and wondering about a fill. What are we going to do with ourselves?
Sounds to me like you are actually healthier at this level of eating and maybe just need to find a way to add the exercise back in. I remember a year ago, you were the biking queen!
Oh my, this is so me as well.
I'm squeezing myself into my UK size 16 cords (I think that's a size 12 in the US), having gained about 22lbs since B00Bs last year. But I'm not ready to admit to myself that I really could do with a larger size!
I feel so much like you do at the disappointment of going up a size when several years ago wearing even that larger size would have been like heaven.
I can't decide if the band has stopped working for me, or if I have stopped working for the band. I really don't feel as if I'm doing so differently from before, so why is the weight slowly creeping up? So frustrating!
Hi! I was just thinking of you and wondering why I hadn't seen you post for a while. And it turns out that ... I wasn't officially following your blog!! I can't believe it!! Fixed that right away!
Was thinking of you after Chicago and am glad to see you're doing well! Don't worry about the 12s, but make a push not to have to give up your cute 8s and 10s! Rooting for you.
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