Monday, May 16, 2011

Ruminating

I had a boat-load of work to get done today. When I wrote a list this morning the tally was 20 items. I managed four in the end. most of the hang-up was uncooperative technology resulting from our move. We are on week three without any reliable internet. Television requires hooking the internet dongle we have (A mobile device David used when traveling) into his computer and hooking up to live stream netflix. Needless to say we reserve it for the evenings. getting the printer to work required plugging it in while the dongle is off (apparently they do not co-exist well). Getting the scanner to work is also tricky as I cannot then send the file but there aren't enough USB ports to plug in a thumb-drive so I have to unplug the keyboard in order to fit in the thumb-drive...arghghghghgh. Of course all of this I had to learn from David because I could not for the life of me figure it all out (or he set it up and I did not ask).

Anyhow today's lack of work progress was VERY frustrating. I had a little bit of a meltdown (thankfully mostly own my own-except for the brief phone call to get help from David). I think..I have discovered something. I am mentally unable to deal with high amounts of stress. I have noticed that a lot of us lapband bloggers are doers. Hard workers, high power workers, busy people with high expectations. I am one and I get that I choose this lifestyle but this got me to thinking..why? Why do I choose it? Why am I unable to deal with stress and still choose it? and guess what else i discovered? I ate to diffuse my stress and now that I cannot I do not know what to do...In my kitchen today I had a full on freezer moment. Thankfully there was only one serving of ice cream available because I think I would have attempted a tub moment today and then ended up embracing the garbage disposal with a return tub of ice cream. I was too busy to call for doctors appointments today but I did decide (of course the ice cream time should have been used as phone call time). I need a shrink and how.

I struggled all the rest of the day with strong desires of 'I want'...I didn't get but I still 'want' . I want David to be and do for me what I am sure I should be able to do for myself. I want to stuff the frustration and anger and disappointment back down and the band wont let me. I want to learn how to look at life with some sense of centered-ness. I am sure I should have learned this before now but somehow it is all hitting the fan. I think most of the last two years I played avoid instead of deal. It is time to deal with the 'stuff'.

xxxooo

1 comment:

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Hang in there Tina, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time!