I Am Feeling Failure

Despite the no drinking calories rule, Despite the Walking rule the scale isn't moving and I am getting impatient.  Today I call in for a visit to the fill-meister.  I am sure this is a common problem---but what to do?

I guess I need to go find the four years out group and have a chat with them?  Are any of you four years out?  Have you hit goal and then experienced the bounce back?  I know I am not that unusual so there has to be a bunch of us.

I do know that lapband high that I was on up until now was lovely but I have now hit the ground and hard.

xxxooo

Day one and all is well.

Yesterday was so awesome!!  Sure I wasn't perfect in everything but I really felt like I had some mojo back.  Life is funny and mojo is a pain in the arse when you don't have it.  I am glad that whatever the shopping and kick up the backside got moving stays for a while.

My daughter rousted me out of bed this morning and we went for a 4.5 mile walk in the rain!!!  I got home just in time to get changed and get the store open.  After I got the signs out my legs started itching like CRAZY!!  As far as I can tell it was because I had blood flow in my thighs for the first time in a while.  I was seriously an uncontrollable itch from hell.  At first I thought my new skirt (from the shopping trip that changed things) was the issue but it was really the walk.  I scratched away but now it seems fine.  My feet are still tingly though (in a good way).

I drank an entire bottle of water while on the walk and had a tall coffee (yup with calories) but won't have another today.  More water...just more calorie free drinks for this girl.  I ate breakfast and am still full but will have lunch in a while.

I do feel better already.  I am going to hold off on the scale for a week or so and get some distance and good behavior under my belt.

xxxoooo

Who Would Have Known-

I had a little chat to David last night about my dieting mojo.  It is hard to describe this feeling (as it was in my conversation last night) but I am going to give it a try.  So here is the deal.  I have had a really hard time getting my head into the 'do what I need to do game.'  I went through years and years of it when I ballooned to my full weight of 304 but now the problem seems to have reared its ugly head again.  For all but the last year of my post band life I have been motivated.  Sure there was the odd week of bender-like behavior but for the most part when something needed doing I pulled on my big girl pants and got down to business.

So now..I know there is stuff I need to do but my brain is just too tired to motivate my arse into gear.  Well that was until yesterday when I embarked on the day that changed things.  Two things happened yesterday that are blog-worthy.  I went clothes shopping and I blogged.

The shopping:  Grace needed new clothes and of course I needed new bigger girl clothes.  The thing is something happened while I was trying on those clothes.  Sure the size 12's fit OK and they looked fine.  The problem is that each pair of pants I tried on made me think of a perfectly good pair already hanging in my closet that I LOVE...I decided during this few hours that I want my old clothes bad enough to do something about it.

The Blogging:  I blogged about this bad place I am in and lo and behold people responded.  We have all said it.  When we blog we find out motivation.  When we blog we figure out we are not alone.  The funny thing is that somehow when it is me in that non-blogging bad place I have to wallow in it for a while in order to take action.

So today I have some mojo.  Last night I put my brain to work puzzling over what needed to be done.  Obviously action of some kind.  There are two shining beacons of wrong-doing in my dieting plan.  I have blogged about both of them and they pop out at me every time I read back (and frankly I know they have needed doing for quite some time only I was burying my head int he sand in avoidance).

I have got to stop drinking calories.  I know I am doing it.  I have been doing it for a long time.  Sure I managed to lose weight while gradually increasing my consumption of sweet drinks (yup the coffee rears its ugly head again).  When I laid in bed last night and took an honest look at my behavior over the last 6 months I can honestly say I have definitely figured out ways to slip calories past my band and worse have been doing it on a regular basis.  a frapp here a cocktail there and ice cream chasers.  I have switched to the horrendous practice of drinking my breakfast in the form of a sweet coffee drink and not eating until afternoon.  This late lunch then turns into an even later dinner that I grab on the fly.  It is often a slice of cheese and cracker.  Finally I will finish up one of my night knitting sessions and head straight on over for some ice-creamy dessert or if I am being good a protein smoothie.

So today-no more calorific liquids.  They warned me against this when I first visited the nutritionist before surgery.  They wrote in bold letters in my paperwork.  Do not drink blended or sweetened coffee drinks.  Did I listen..oh no...The evil plot my brain and body furnace has waged soon had me doing exactly what I was told not to do.  I am sure this will not be easy.

I need to exercise again.  I was biking and walking all over the place before.  Now I have a hard time shifting myself to get a move on.  I have lots of ideas but I am not sure how easy this one is going to be to crack.  I have a stationary bike so I might drag into my shop and knit and ride or I might keep trying to walk.  I do have a walking date tomorrow morning with my daughter for a start.  I do know I need to  do something.

The action plan is being made. and actions being taken.   No calories in liquid form so far today.  one real meal down the hatch.

xxxooo

I Cracked and Went Up A Size

Fall has finally arrived in Portland.  We actually got all of the way to October with loads of warm weather and sunshine.  This is not so good for business at a yarn store however for a girl who has put on 20 pounds it has helped me avoid facing up to them.  Shorts and skirts may get a little tight but they still look ok when that tummy of mine expands oh by 8 inches or so.  Jeans..Oh crapity now those are a different beast entirely.

Today it was cold and I had to pry myself into my size 10 Levis.  Just one year ago I picked those size 10's up at Boobs 2011 and here I am one year later scrambling to find something that I can actually breathe in while sitting down.  Well I strained myself into them and wore them all day but this evening I cracked again and went out to my local Levi's supplier and up-sized to a 12.

So here is the funny thing.  A size 12 was my dream size and now somehow it has become a disappointment?  From the time i was 16 until the ripe old age of 46 I dreamed of size 12.  Once in high school I poured myself into a size 14 and looked on that size 12 with envy.  Now...having had a taste of 8 and 10 I now find 12 very disappointing.

So the question I keep asking myself.  Is it me? is it my restriction?  Should I be happy here?  Should I work harder?  For some reason I am having a heck of a time getting my head back in this weight loss game.

Good things at this now slightly larger size:

My fingernails are now much stronger.
My hair has come back in much like its old thick self.
My blood work was back to full on vitamins and minerals.

Not so Good things:

the size 8's and 10's are really too tight and I might have to get a new wardrobe for Winter (um..is this not so good?..I kind of like those old clothes but I could go shopping :))

My energy is not what it was at the lower weight.
I feel slightly out of control all of the time and battle the self-blame again.  You know kind of like the dieting days of old pre-band days.

What I know:
I need to find some exercise that I sustain.  The shop is posing a real problem in that I am in it all day.  My old strategy of parking far from the store, taking the long way to and from work and shopping are kind of out of kilter with a new job that is in my basement.

What I don't know:
If a fill is something I should pursue or not.

xxxooo

Self-Inflicted Acid Reflux

Why why why why...do I never learn.  Why is it that when I am launching myself out the door to go for that enticing container of ice cream and the 30 minutes it takes me to purchase it, bring it home, get out a spoon, walk up the stairs and further another 30 minutes to work my way through the damn thing do I not ever think about the consequences I will get in bed that night?

It happens almost every time.  I end up with a night of little sleep, sleeping while sitting up, painful shoulder, acid shooting up my throat, painful chest and further a stuck scale or even worse the needle going up.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

My Day Off: What do you think?

The lovely people at happy nails do hair too.  They talked me into blonde highlights to cover my gray.  I was Skeered...I kind of like it so far.  What do you think?