First Drazil then Amy from the land of cheese and sunkist posted a discussion about children, body image and obesity. I wrote a big old long comment on Amy's post but it was rejected for length (duh). I am posting it here plus additional ramblings added....
I was a chubby kid who felt fat my whole life. My mom used to compare my tiny sister and I by giving me advice on dressing so that I could camouflage my tummy. She would say "us big girls need to do this." She was overweight too. I felt fat as a teenager even though it is exactly what I weigh now. I quickly became obese following the birth of my three oldest daughters. My mom did not intend to make me feel bad as a child. I had to wear kids 1/2 sized clothing and because my clothes were never on sale almost all of mine were home-made by my mom. I did have a tummy as I was a chubby girl. My sister was different than I and that just was as it was. I very likely would have had a poor body image with or without the clothing advice.
Fast forward now to my girls. I am a mom-Three of my daughters were raised by an obese mom (the fourth gets this thinner mom that I have become)and two of them have weight issues. One is obese (as defined by the BMI people)the other yo-yos between healthy and overweight. The third is having trouble keeping weight on right now. I believe that I could have taught them to eat more healthily but I believe they were destined to be fat or not before or soon after they were born. My obese daughter has been HUNGRY since she was a baby. She was like a heat seeking missile when she nursed. She was a human vacuum as a toddler (i pulled pennies and rocks out of her mouth frequently) and she noticably enjoyed food more than her sisters. I believe her weight thermometer is set high.
Having said that, however, I raised her to be proud and that BBW are beautiful and live happy fulfilled lives. I am glad that she has a better self-image than I did but on the down side. I have now found a way for her to feel more energy. Be healthier and not have to deal with the anti-obesity slant of society. She has told me that she is happy as a BBW and is not interested. I feel conflicted. Like all converts (and I do feel like one sometimes). I am excited about this band and want all of those I know who struggle with their weight to share it with me.
My second weight struggling daughter has only a slightly off kilter weight thermostat and has figured out strategies to battle it (sometime winning and sometimes sliding back). She struggles a bit more with her self-image and has felt the sting of words said by unthinking classmates about her weight. She seeks thinness with exercise and dieting. I wish there was a tool that even those who suffer moderate weight issues could have to help them.
My thin daughter has had a strong sense of her metabolism her whole life. As a child she would drop back on her food intake when she was sedentary. My fist husband even brought it to my attention once when we were on a road trip. He said, look she isn't eating. I bet it is because she has been trapped on her backside in a car for two days and isn't burning anything off as she would normally."
She has operated that way her whole life. Sure she fluctuated up 10 or 20 pounds a time or two (like when she had a baby) but she quickly normalizes and has in the last few months with stress, working, parenting and going to school ended up having to work hard at keeping weight on. She battled during her lifetime with different body issues. She is well-endowed and struggled with attention from boys that she did not always want.
So I guess the end wrap up of this is..that I really think our weight is driven strongly by genetics or some other physical issue that is only slightly if at all related to control, emotion or upbringing. I also think that body image is variable and although we can sure screw it up as parents it is much harder to protect our kids or insure that our kids come away with a positive self-image given the varied experiences they all have. I do sometimes worry that too good of a body image can mask our need to protect our health but I am conflicted about this.
As I have posted here before-my grandma pulled me aside when I was 20 to talk to me about my weight just after she lost more than 100 pounds (diabetes scared her skinny) and told me that I needed to take care of it while I was young enough to enjoy being thin. She was right but I wasn't ready. I needed to be in my 40's before I was ready. Perhaps our daughters need to be ready. Ready to change what needs changing, ready to appreciate the assets they have and ready to be what they think their best is.
Living with a lapband after seeing goal is just as much work as getting there. This blog chronicles my journey to qualify for band surgery, my work to goal weight and now living with the band long term. Weight will always be an issue but there is a whole lot of living to be done.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Weird Weird Weird
So lunch today was a beef stew that David cooked all night in the oven while we slept. As sometimes happens the beef did not agree and I got stuck. This beef was soft..super duper soft. I said to myself..OK so you are still tight from the Sunday problems and decided that I would have to have something else for dinner. At dinner time my nice next door neighbor brought over a pasta dish she made. It looked and smelled delicious!! Spaghetti, bacon, cheese, and onions. I drooled and tried a couple of bites to see how things went. All was well and I had a good 3/4 cup of it an hour later.
So...no beef at lunch but pasta at dinner? That is just not normal for me. Pasta was the first thing I had difficulty with. I have in fact avoided pasta for a very long time (I can have a bite or two but lets face it Pasta is not a dense protein and takes up space in my little old pouch). So my dinner as smooth as anything was a serving of pasta..OH my this was another food porn moment I'm telling you.
but..my stupid band is giving me mixed messages.
Tonight David and I made another plan/vow. With the weather cooling we have not been on our bikes nearly as much as we should. David and I both need some exercise in our lives. We are going to clear out the garage this weekend and set up our gym again. The plan is for us both (or all three) to get on our bikes from 6-7 Mon, Wed, and Friday. Hopefully we can get in a weekend ride if the weather is good as well. Perhaps this exercise will help both my appetite and my metabolism.
So...no beef at lunch but pasta at dinner? That is just not normal for me. Pasta was the first thing I had difficulty with. I have in fact avoided pasta for a very long time (I can have a bite or two but lets face it Pasta is not a dense protein and takes up space in my little old pouch). So my dinner as smooth as anything was a serving of pasta..OH my this was another food porn moment I'm telling you.
but..my stupid band is giving me mixed messages.
Tonight David and I made another plan/vow. With the weather cooling we have not been on our bikes nearly as much as we should. David and I both need some exercise in our lives. We are going to clear out the garage this weekend and set up our gym again. The plan is for us both (or all three) to get on our bikes from 6-7 Mon, Wed, and Friday. Hopefully we can get in a weekend ride if the weather is good as well. Perhaps this exercise will help both my appetite and my metabolism.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Two Year Stats, Back-Slide, and NSV
Two Year Stats-
I went in for a very late two year check-in as part of the research study I am participating in at my surgeons office. My surgeon is apparently (according to the data collector) a real big wig in the Weight-loss surgery field. I knew he was good but I really didn't think of him as any other than my surgeon. Anyway I got a bit more information about the study and my progress so far.
The study is a longitudinal study that will compare the results of the four current surgeries and their effectiveness with patients (rny, sleeve, lapband and Duod. Switch). I am one of 400 patients in Oregon and there are three other centers participating. The surveys are logging my health improvements, my increased fitness, weightloss, as well as body fat, BMI and metabolism. They also took blood and urine for specific blood and kidney function changes.
Some of the high points were: 1. The 1/2 mile walk was nothing (it was pretty easy last time but this time I didn't even breathe heavy and my heart rate went back to normal in minutes. 2. My body fat is well within the research teams idea of normal. The not so good: 1. The downside is that I weighed in at 172.5 (even with clothes this doesn't make me very happy) 2. The rate that I burn calories is about 1500 a day (that seems really low to me). The data taker said that I had not lost an unreasonable amount of body mass (which is good I guess). My guess is I need to think about lifting weights or something so I can increase my metabolism?
Back-Slide
The 172.5 is bugging the crud out of me. I ate really well today and have given up the coffee for two days in a row. I had tea both yesterday and today and will have another decaf tonight before I go to bed. I am really working hard at upping my water intake and limiting the snacking that I do. This feels like the first time I have ever moved back up the scales this far (I don't know if it really is but it does feel like it). Being so close to goal and sliding back more than I had left to lose annoys me to no end.
NSV-
I parked on on the fifth floor of the parking garage today. I usually park on the third but I got in late and there were no spots so up to the fifth I went. I was dragging a bunch of books for my office and without a thought I picked my two bags up in each hand and walked down the stairs. I stopped for a rest at my works meeting space and then after repositioning my load and trekked down to my office (about 1/4 mile). On my way home this afternoon (and this is really the NSV bit) I didn't even think about the fact that I was going to climb 5 floors. I didn't even contemplate the elevator. I just climbed up the stairs flight after flight. When I got to the top I was barely breathing heavy. My legs did not hurt one bit!!
In class tonight one of my students pulled me aside to tell me I reminded her so much of an actress/comedian called Janeanne Garafolo.
I did not know who Garafolo was at the time but I have seen her several times on Bill Mahr. I perched on the edge of a desk near this student and a translator that works with one of my other students. I told them both that I had recently lost quite a bit of weight and that my students used to tell me I looked like Kathy Bates from Misery. Now I never really felt bad about looking like Kathy Bates because I think she is super talented and looks good (way better than I did at my heaviest). The translator gasped and was horrified that someone would say that to me. She also said I looked nothing like her.
Kathy is on the right.
It feels really weird and wonderful to be compared to a super skinny actress instead of a beautiful larger sized actress. I still feel more like Kathy than Janeanne.
I went in for a very late two year check-in as part of the research study I am participating in at my surgeons office. My surgeon is apparently (according to the data collector) a real big wig in the Weight-loss surgery field. I knew he was good but I really didn't think of him as any other than my surgeon. Anyway I got a bit more information about the study and my progress so far.
The study is a longitudinal study that will compare the results of the four current surgeries and their effectiveness with patients (rny, sleeve, lapband and Duod. Switch). I am one of 400 patients in Oregon and there are three other centers participating. The surveys are logging my health improvements, my increased fitness, weightloss, as well as body fat, BMI and metabolism. They also took blood and urine for specific blood and kidney function changes.
Some of the high points were: 1. The 1/2 mile walk was nothing (it was pretty easy last time but this time I didn't even breathe heavy and my heart rate went back to normal in minutes. 2. My body fat is well within the research teams idea of normal. The not so good: 1. The downside is that I weighed in at 172.5 (even with clothes this doesn't make me very happy) 2. The rate that I burn calories is about 1500 a day (that seems really low to me). The data taker said that I had not lost an unreasonable amount of body mass (which is good I guess). My guess is I need to think about lifting weights or something so I can increase my metabolism?
Back-Slide
The 172.5 is bugging the crud out of me. I ate really well today and have given up the coffee for two days in a row. I had tea both yesterday and today and will have another decaf tonight before I go to bed. I am really working hard at upping my water intake and limiting the snacking that I do. This feels like the first time I have ever moved back up the scales this far (I don't know if it really is but it does feel like it). Being so close to goal and sliding back more than I had left to lose annoys me to no end.
NSV-
I parked on on the fifth floor of the parking garage today. I usually park on the third but I got in late and there were no spots so up to the fifth I went. I was dragging a bunch of books for my office and without a thought I picked my two bags up in each hand and walked down the stairs. I stopped for a rest at my works meeting space and then after repositioning my load and trekked down to my office (about 1/4 mile). On my way home this afternoon (and this is really the NSV bit) I didn't even think about the fact that I was going to climb 5 floors. I didn't even contemplate the elevator. I just climbed up the stairs flight after flight. When I got to the top I was barely breathing heavy. My legs did not hurt one bit!!
In class tonight one of my students pulled me aside to tell me I reminded her so much of an actress/comedian called Janeanne Garafolo.
I did not know who Garafolo was at the time but I have seen her several times on Bill Mahr. I perched on the edge of a desk near this student and a translator that works with one of my other students. I told them both that I had recently lost quite a bit of weight and that my students used to tell me I looked like Kathy Bates from Misery. Now I never really felt bad about looking like Kathy Bates because I think she is super talented and looks good (way better than I did at my heaviest). The translator gasped and was horrified that someone would say that to me. She also said I looked nothing like her.
Kathy is on the right.It feels really weird and wonderful to be compared to a super skinny actress instead of a beautiful larger sized actress. I still feel more like Kathy than Janeanne.
Monday, October 11, 2010
When Feeling Frustrated Go Make a Spreadsheet
While cleaning out my sewing room tonight I found a copy of a weight and fill chart that my surgeon gave me a while back. I put this added information into a spreadsheet I started a few months ago. I also added my latest information. In the beginning I did not keep track of my weightloss on any sort of chart. After about 6 months I discovered the weightloss ticker online and it really helped me keep track of things. Now every day I log the days on my ticker when I lose and skip logging on bounce days where I go back up on the scale or stay the same. I transferred all of the information from both places onto a spread sheet. I have a couple columns logging the daily changes and then because that list is hideously long I transformed it into a month overview chart. I took the lowest weight during the month and then show the pounds lost in the third column. Tonight I battled with a graph and got one to look reasonably good as well.
I am gong to try and attach them (OK I cannot get the chart to work). This 135 pounds took a lonnnnnnng time to come off the but chart really looks good.
Monthly dates Weight loss
August-07 304 weighed
August-08 298 weighed 6 lost Surgery date
September-08 287 weighed 11 lost Fill 9/29/08
October-08 284 weighed 3 lost Fill 10/28/08
November-08 281 weighed 3 lost
December-08 277 weighed 4 lost Fills 12/2/08 and 12/15/08
January-09 270 weighed 7 lost
February-09 265 weighed 5 lost Fill 2/28/09
March-09 259 weighed 6 lost Fill 3/31/09
April-09 253 weighed 6 lost Port Revision 4/30/09
May-09 250 weighed 3 lost Fill 5/18/09
June-09 243 weighed 7 lost
July-09 237 weighed 6 lost
August-09 226 weighed 11 lost Fill 8/20/09
September-09 221 weighed 5 lost
October-09 219 weighed 2 lost
November-09 213 weighed 6 lost Fill 11/3/09
December-09 205 weighed 8 lost
January-10 199 weighed 6 lost Fill 1/5/10
February-10 199 weighed 0 lost Fill 2/18/10
March-10 194 weighed 5 lost Fill 3/16/10
April-10 189 weighed 5 lost
May-10 184 weighed 5 lost Fill 5/17/10
June-10 179 weighed 5 lost
July-10 174 weighed 5 lost
August-10 168 weighed 6 lost
September-10 166 weighed 2 lost Fill 09/10/10
October-10 166 weighed 0 lost
I am gong to try and attach them (OK I cannot get the chart to work). This 135 pounds took a lonnnnnnng time to come off the but chart really looks good.
Monthly dates Weight loss
August-07 304 weighed
August-08 298 weighed 6 lost Surgery date
September-08 287 weighed 11 lost Fill 9/29/08
October-08 284 weighed 3 lost Fill 10/28/08
November-08 281 weighed 3 lost
December-08 277 weighed 4 lost Fills 12/2/08 and 12/15/08
January-09 270 weighed 7 lost
February-09 265 weighed 5 lost Fill 2/28/09
March-09 259 weighed 6 lost Fill 3/31/09
April-09 253 weighed 6 lost Port Revision 4/30/09
May-09 250 weighed 3 lost Fill 5/18/09
June-09 243 weighed 7 lost
July-09 237 weighed 6 lost
August-09 226 weighed 11 lost Fill 8/20/09
September-09 221 weighed 5 lost
October-09 219 weighed 2 lost
November-09 213 weighed 6 lost Fill 11/3/09
December-09 205 weighed 8 lost
January-10 199 weighed 6 lost Fill 1/5/10
February-10 199 weighed 0 lost Fill 2/18/10
March-10 194 weighed 5 lost Fill 3/16/10
April-10 189 weighed 5 lost
May-10 184 weighed 5 lost Fill 5/17/10
June-10 179 weighed 5 lost
July-10 174 weighed 5 lost
August-10 168 weighed 6 lost
September-10 166 weighed 2 lost Fill 09/10/10
October-10 166 weighed 0 lost
Liquid Tight Day
Today is tight so far. I am sipping a cup of tea and it is slow going. It is funny how a few short weeks ago after my fill this made me happy and now it kind of freaks me out. I am going to stay on self-imposed liquids today to let my poor band have a break. The scale is back down under 170 but I am still tight.
Update-Off to work following my cup of tea and 1/2 a greek yogurt.
another cup of tea with no milk at work
Evening update-liquids are hard to stick to. I had 1/2 soup at lunch (I didn't like it), and a Greek yogurt.
Midday snack -2 short bread cookies
Dinner-1 oz cheddar cheese
Evening 2 short break cookies (I need to get the cookies out of the house)
getting ready to have a decaf-cup of tea this evening.
Update-Off to work following my cup of tea and 1/2 a greek yogurt.
another cup of tea with no milk at work
Evening update-liquids are hard to stick to. I had 1/2 soup at lunch (I didn't like it), and a Greek yogurt.
Midday snack -2 short bread cookies
Dinner-1 oz cheddar cheese
Evening 2 short break cookies (I need to get the cookies out of the house)
getting ready to have a decaf-cup of tea this evening.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Holy Cow
Today was a flash back in time and totally unexpected.
I did a sleep in because early morning rain woke me up and I laid in bed for an hour mentally fixing the house to go on the market and then nodded off again until 10am. When I got up Nichole and my grandson were over running around. We decided that on today's fix it list we would go to Ikea and get some cabinet fronts to swap out some of our damaged ones (a little accident with red fingernail polish and some water damage).
On the drive to Ikea I had some popcorn my daughter had packed in her bag (she is really good at making popcorn old style). I had my fill and then found that my entire family wanted lunch..but failed to tell me before I ate my popcorn breakfast. I forced them to walk around part of the store before we went (hoping the popcorn would pass through before I got to the meatballs). Now..I love Ikea meatballs and lingonberry jam...and I was pretty ticked that I was still not hungry by the time we got to the restaurant. I took Grant to find a table and they ordered their food. I nibbled on two meatballs off David's plate and had a bite or apple pie.
We returned to check out and I ended up in pain with something sharp shooting across my upper left side. I am assuming it was a lunch issue as after an hour of it coming and going I burped and the pain subsided. at 2:30 or so after we got home I dumped everyone at home and left by myself to stop and get David some Pickle (only available at a couple of places in town) and then go to Costco for some groceries. I decided a coffee might help me feel better. The pain returned and I did not manage to drink more than half of the coffee.
at 5pm I cooked some salmon, oven roasted rosemary and garlic potatoes, squash, tomatoes, and cucumber vinegar salad as we had some friends over. While cooking I had two bites of a couple of fresh tomatoes from my garden while I prepared the rest. At dinner (because i was afraid) I had a few sips of vodka and orange juice at 6pm when our friends came and drank it while we waited for the salmon to finish off in the oven. I put the rest of my drink away and decided that just the salmon would be safest following my problematic day. I had about 2 oz. The pain returned and I had to visit the bathroom several times expelling the salmon and the Orange juice. I really have no idea what triggered it but today has been pretty bad.
So from bottomless pit to extreme sensitive and tightness...I know my weight is up but I was hoping my good behavior over the last couple days would have stabilized my upswing. I feel fine now and have had two walkers shortbread biscuits and a cup of milky tea. They are sitting fine and it is very annoying that I can eat now that the company has gone.
...Did my band have stage fright? Did I screw it up with the popcorn? Am i just tight again? I have no flipping Idea!!!
Tomorrow is a soup day I think.
I did a sleep in because early morning rain woke me up and I laid in bed for an hour mentally fixing the house to go on the market and then nodded off again until 10am. When I got up Nichole and my grandson were over running around. We decided that on today's fix it list we would go to Ikea and get some cabinet fronts to swap out some of our damaged ones (a little accident with red fingernail polish and some water damage).
On the drive to Ikea I had some popcorn my daughter had packed in her bag (she is really good at making popcorn old style). I had my fill and then found that my entire family wanted lunch..but failed to tell me before I ate my popcorn breakfast. I forced them to walk around part of the store before we went (hoping the popcorn would pass through before I got to the meatballs). Now..I love Ikea meatballs and lingonberry jam...and I was pretty ticked that I was still not hungry by the time we got to the restaurant. I took Grant to find a table and they ordered their food. I nibbled on two meatballs off David's plate and had a bite or apple pie.
We returned to check out and I ended up in pain with something sharp shooting across my upper left side. I am assuming it was a lunch issue as after an hour of it coming and going I burped and the pain subsided. at 2:30 or so after we got home I dumped everyone at home and left by myself to stop and get David some Pickle (only available at a couple of places in town) and then go to Costco for some groceries. I decided a coffee might help me feel better. The pain returned and I did not manage to drink more than half of the coffee.
at 5pm I cooked some salmon, oven roasted rosemary and garlic potatoes, squash, tomatoes, and cucumber vinegar salad as we had some friends over. While cooking I had two bites of a couple of fresh tomatoes from my garden while I prepared the rest. At dinner (because i was afraid) I had a few sips of vodka and orange juice at 6pm when our friends came and drank it while we waited for the salmon to finish off in the oven. I put the rest of my drink away and decided that just the salmon would be safest following my problematic day. I had about 2 oz. The pain returned and I had to visit the bathroom several times expelling the salmon and the Orange juice. I really have no idea what triggered it but today has been pretty bad.
So from bottomless pit to extreme sensitive and tightness...I know my weight is up but I was hoping my good behavior over the last couple days would have stabilized my upswing. I feel fine now and have had two walkers shortbread biscuits and a cup of milky tea. They are sitting fine and it is very annoying that I can eat now that the company has gone.
...Did my band have stage fright? Did I screw it up with the popcorn? Am i just tight again? I have no flipping Idea!!!
Tomorrow is a soup day I think.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Rubber Band Man
I love that song...and I have chosen it because today's epiphany is that scale bounce is meaningful.
So last night after I got home from my oldest daughters dinner out I did have a candy snack and I got on the scale before I went to bed..It read 173 freaking pounds. Now I know it was the end of the day at all that but here is the thing. I couldn't eat dinner because I was still full from the darned chips I ate for lunch. Why you might ask? well it is because (I think)...I have regained all of the flipping weight I lost after my last fill and I am now back up to the same tightness I was just after that fill. Just like I said yesterday-the cycle of lesson relearning keeps on a-coming.
At 171-173 (where I was hanging before my last fill). I am tight. This restriction is even on the too tight side. Needless to say I was really annoyed that I sat down to dinner and could not eat anything. At one point I had to get up and take a walk just so I could get a burp or two through or would have had to go to the toilet. You see 4 hours after lunch I couldn't even handle ice water and I was trying to sip it.
at 166-170 I can ingest the world. Bread, snacks..etc.
but it is slightly more complicated than that. I have also learned in the last two years to be crafty...I can sneak in calories. A snack, liquid breakfast, soup, yogurt, etc. I also chew better, at slower and stop sooner. So this recipe adds up to a sort of rubber band like battle of calorie cut and calorie gain which then causes weight loss and gain.
It is always the complicated things that are easy to figure out hunh? I hope the sarcasm read through here. So my new revised game plan:
1. the coffee sitting next to me is my last large one. From here on out the morning coffee is turning to tea and a small one if there is a darned good reason and breakfast is not it.
2. I will eat breakfast lunch and dinner. It will be small and healthy with protein and vegetable.
3. Like Bunny I get candy at the end of the day (some dessert to keep me happy but small dessert).
4. Exercise? Something 3 days a week even if it is raining.
5. I did not make a fill appointment but I am for sure going to make one on Monday for exactly two weeks from now. Then I am going to do my darnedest to get back down to 166 and get my hiney in for fill so I can finish up the blasted fight to goal gig.
So last night after I got home from my oldest daughters dinner out I did have a candy snack and I got on the scale before I went to bed..It read 173 freaking pounds. Now I know it was the end of the day at all that but here is the thing. I couldn't eat dinner because I was still full from the darned chips I ate for lunch. Why you might ask? well it is because (I think)...I have regained all of the flipping weight I lost after my last fill and I am now back up to the same tightness I was just after that fill. Just like I said yesterday-the cycle of lesson relearning keeps on a-coming.
At 171-173 (where I was hanging before my last fill). I am tight. This restriction is even on the too tight side. Needless to say I was really annoyed that I sat down to dinner and could not eat anything. At one point I had to get up and take a walk just so I could get a burp or two through or would have had to go to the toilet. You see 4 hours after lunch I couldn't even handle ice water and I was trying to sip it.
at 166-170 I can ingest the world. Bread, snacks..etc.
but it is slightly more complicated than that. I have also learned in the last two years to be crafty...I can sneak in calories. A snack, liquid breakfast, soup, yogurt, etc. I also chew better, at slower and stop sooner. So this recipe adds up to a sort of rubber band like battle of calorie cut and calorie gain which then causes weight loss and gain.
It is always the complicated things that are easy to figure out hunh? I hope the sarcasm read through here. So my new revised game plan:
1. the coffee sitting next to me is my last large one. From here on out the morning coffee is turning to tea and a small one if there is a darned good reason and breakfast is not it.
2. I will eat breakfast lunch and dinner. It will be small and healthy with protein and vegetable.
3. Like Bunny I get candy at the end of the day (some dessert to keep me happy but small dessert).
4. Exercise? Something 3 days a week even if it is raining.
5. I did not make a fill appointment but I am for sure going to make one on Monday for exactly two weeks from now. Then I am going to do my darnedest to get back down to 166 and get my hiney in for fill so I can finish up the blasted fight to goal gig.
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