Thank Goodness it is Almost Over and a Trip Down Memory Lane

I have just experienced a Halloween of old. I have eaten enough candy these last few weeks to sustain a small country. Thankfully the neighborhood kids came in hoards to our house and cleaned us out of the evil stuff. I now only have to struggle with the small bag-full that Grace went and collected in her horse-back riding costume. Hopefully that will disappear in a few days and we can return to some of our normal abnormality.

I feel like a bloated, sugar fueled walrus right now.

After putting this up and got curious as to how I felt on this date during each of the four years I have now been blogging (I can hardly believe it has been that long!) In 2007 and 2009 I did not bother to even mention Halloween (how odd). In 07 I am sure it was a similar sugar-fest as that was my common mode of practice for years. Binge on the candy and then regret my behavior for weeks on end after. In 2008 this is what I had to say about Halloween:

Well i have said this before but this fill seems to be great! For the first time ever I can count the number of pieces of halloween candy i have ingested. I know exactly how much food I ate today because there was so little of it. I have already lost a pound since Tuesday. Yipppeeeeee

I apparently had a fill right before and all was tight and working well. In 2009 as I have stated I skipped Halloween and instead talked about my trip to San Francisco. All I can imagine is that it was not too difficult. I know I was in a decent losing phase at the time. Now this year-I am struggling a bit to bahave myself. I think I have learned how to eat around what I am supposed to.

Candy and chips and other naughty crappy crap food are easy to eat and I do eat them to my peril. This Halloween has been especially difficult.

On a more positive note, I got a little implement to attach my bike to a stationary trainer in my garage. I will now have no excuse not to get myself out for a spin and keep my butt callus from going soft.

xxxooo

Not Sure If This Is Working Yet

Today was filled wtih crap crap and more crap. Popcorn for breakfast, a cookie or two for lunch, two candy corns, a brownie and finally a small piece of fish with tea (not in that order) for dinner.

Today was busy and I used it (as I have done in my previous pre-band life) to eat crap.
The onslaught of crap leaves me wondering if this latest fill is going to be the last or if I am still a tad loose. I really need to straighten out my act over the next few days and see if this latest fill is indeed going to work as my 'last' fill to goal or whether I might need another.

I do very much suspect that I am afraid to finish this weight loss game. Just as my old fat self and free eating ways clearly defined who I was this newer long term weight-loss game has become who I am. I am constantly chasing another five pounds and I really honestly do not know how I am going to deal with being at the finish line. I realistically know it shouldn't be that different from what I have done but it still scares me. I have always lived my life with a new goal to take on. If this one has been met what do I shoot for next?

xxxooo

The Last Fill?

I popped in for my hastily made fill appointment this morning. I still love, love, love the new nurse practitioner and she obliged me with a beautiful but tiny boost of saline.

While there I had the chance to have a look at the nurse's teaching materials and pulled some references for research about the lapband. luckily I like reading research and have access to journals at the university. I will try and pop in to look them up next week. (Maggie is her name) again told me about some of the problems some of her patients are having in finding success with the band. I really wish I could crack that code and work out why it is working so well for me but not so well for others. Who knows if it is related to physical placement of the band? some nerve that works for me and not for others, or some behavior thing I have done or figured out?

My post fill afternoon has been good. My tight-factor seems back to normal (normal tight that is). I slowly sipped my tea and even had a coffee this afternoon that I only bothered to finish 1/2 of. Dinner was a 1/2 cup of split pea soup and a bite of David's thin crust pizza. I did pop in a few pieces of chocolate while I helped to set up for our neighborhood Halloween party today.

Tomorrow we are having an open house at our house while I help to host a neighborhood Halloween party.

xxxooo

My House

A view from the front.

The living room.

We finished this a year an a half ago. 6 months without a kitchen was tough but it turned out quite nicely.


This is the family room. We don't have any pictures on the walls yet-I have some ideas though.

We gutted and refit these bathrooms a few years ago.

Backyard

Fill Emergency

Oh my goodness I have not been this hungry since very early on in this lapband journey. I was hungry all day. When I ate it slipped through my band quite quickly. and while I was eating I struggled to slow down enough while I was eating. I probably should run out right this minute and get a burger and fries because if I ever was able to relive my old experiences with food today would have been that time.

Apparently there was one perfectly placed glob of fat between my band and my stomach opening that disappeared when I dropped back down to this 166 pound mark. Today has been a very difficult struggle (that I largely failed) and it is a fine example of why I failed to lose weight all of the times I tried before.

My morning started out at a meeting where bagels and fruit were available. I attempted to get my hands on a cup of tea but only weird herbal varieties were available so I took a pass. My stomach was making loud noises and I was starving so I took a bagel and carefully cut it in half. Put some cream cheese on it and thought..right then. I will be loose enough to manage this beast but it should do the trick until lunch time. umm that would be a NO...I ate half and then 10 minutes later my stomach ramped back up again and I managed a second half. Yes you have just read correctly..I ate a whole bagel with cream cheese this morning (a real full sized one..we are not talking about a mini bagel here).

After my morning meeting I popped in at home needing caffeine badly. I quickly drank down a diet coke (something I have not been able to do in months) and then hoped that a greek yogurt would fill my hunger. That quickly slipped down and within 20 minutes I was hungry again.

I stopped off for a coffee on my way to my second meeting of the day and was hungry by 4:00. I went to dinner with a friend and ate a taco. A chicken taco with cheese, beans and sour cream and a corn tortilla in 4-5 bites.

While eating the bagel, the yogurt and the taco I had a really hard tome taking small bites and also a difficult time chewing once the food was in my mouth. I had to physically stop after my bites and mentally say..chew chew chew....to remind myself while eating. My appetite was screaming at me to eat and eat fast (the screaming comes from my head but also from my stomach). This part was quite surreal at times really..so compelling and loud (not physically loud but compulsion loud).

Finally this evening I went to my neighborhood bunco group and again failed to keep my mouth off of the table snacks. Usually I have very little difficulty limiting my table snacking to just a few samples. Tonight I was an eating machine. scarfing stuff from each table. It was CRAZY and so compelling ....and so very out of ordinary for me these days.


My body is screaming for me to keep this last bit of weight on...

I acted quickly today and called my surgeon's office to make a fill appointment. Thankfully they can get me in on Friday for a fill. Now if I can just stop myself from rocketing back up to the low 170's (because I know at this weight I will tighten up again). My deep hope is that this is the last real fill I need. I hope that this one does the trick in getting me down to the 164.5 I want for goal weight. I also hope that the band of stabilized weight with this fill stays around the 164.5 number instead of closer to 170.

I have noticed that with all of my fills there is a bottoming out and bouncing around effect. In more detail what I mean here is that when I get a fill there is an initial drop in weight. Maybe 4-6 pounds will be lost and then my band loosens and I bounce back up a few pounds. I then tighten up again and do the bouncing thing again and again until I get another fill. This fill got me down to 166 then the scale bounced back up to 173-ish. I then dropped up and down around 169-171.

xxxooo

Shopped Till I Dropped-

I took a little more Rest and Relaxation time today after a meeting downtown and went shopping at Marshals. I came to the realization that I like shopping at home more than I like shopping in the big bad city. It is great to see the designer stores and get an eye for what they have on display. It is also nifty to pick up and odd piece now and then from a ritzy boutique however..today I spent under 200 dollars at Marshals and got 3 pairs of slacks, one skirt, one sweater, on pair of boots and one pair of high heeled work shoes. TAKE THAT ALDO!!! :)

I am now set for quite some time in the wardrobe department. Thankfully I hit 166 again this morning so I am back down to my all time low and am planning on doing my best to stay here or go a little further down. Amazingly I am SOOO HUNGRY today. I am really sure now that my band has loosened up with these last couple of pounds. I will definitely need to call and make a teensy fill appointment to get these last few pounds off.

I have vowed (not so successfully today) to stick to real food. Tomorrow I will eat oatmeal for breakfast, meat and vegetable for lunch and dinner. The plan is to really pay attention to the calories in the food and 'bulk up' on things that are low in calories as much as I can with a band.

My real estate agent had a brokers open house today. It seems to have gone well and my house is clean clean clean (I love that about open-houses). She said in a text that we should be expecting an offer from someone soon (apparently she has talked to a broker who is planning on one). I hope she is correct and that the offer is a good one.

I promise to get the bundle of pictures I keep promising. Some of the delay is my fault and the rest is others who didn't sent me the pics they took :(

xxxooo

Home Again-After More Shopping

This morning i had a sleep in. My hotel was quiet and I didn't get up until 10am. I then took a leisurely bath and packed up all of my stuff. I stashed it in storage, printed my boarding pass and took off for one last look at the wonderful city. I walked over to the Murrayhill area and had a look around for a British goods shop that I remembered (unsuccessfully) and then walked towards a knitting store I found the address for (no success there either). I finally walked down to the American Girl store to get a couple of Christmas presents for my daughter and grandson. Then I just wandered around stopping to look at whatever caught my fancy.

I tried on some boots at Aldo (I wasn't impressed with the fit, the quality, or the price for that quality). The boots that did fit me were all synthetic uppers and 180 dollars!! I found a pair of hand stitched and nailed leather ones for 350 yesterday in Soho (still TOO expensive but at least they were good quality). I looked around a another shoe store but didnt like them any better. I finally popped into Ann Taylor and tried on some clothes. There was a dress that fit me beautifully (size 14) but I don't really have anywhere to wear it. I then tried on size 14 and then size 12 slacks. Both were too big. I got a size 10 and they fit but I didn't like the color or the quality (they weren't as nice as the other pairs of too large slacks). I am still apparently bigger in my upper body than my lower by a full two sizes!

After all of the shopping I had lunch with my friends and then we both caught our taxis to the airport. The flight home was pretty empty but very long and tedious. I watched some TV. Had another Cheese plate and knitted a bit. My ankle is re-swollen and I am quite tired and need to go to bed. OH just so you know..the best room at the Herald Square hotel is room 508 ...Take note because the rest are really shabby and I got the swanky remodeled one.

xxxooo

100!! and New York!

While running around New York (and running myself ragged) I have just found that after dropping back to 97 followers a few days ago that three lovely new people decided to follow me today. Thank you!! I have not been an active acquirer of followers or a friend adder for that matter. I like the small town atmosphere that my blog has maintained for a long time now (Dont get me wrong I love it that 100 was on my screen today) but I have been in no hurry to acquire super-quantities of followers because I feel duty bound to follow them back. I may not pop on your blog every day and there are a whole lot of you who do not have blogs (at least that I can find) but I appreciate your presence nonetheless.

I am still here in New York and having an excellent time. After a night on the town last night (and yes I can still hold my liquor and I tested that to the max). I had a wonderful time chatting with my research friends and over the course of the evening drinking-two vodka and Orange Juices, three glasses of wine and two Baily's Irish Cream. I am even shaking my head with hmm disappointment in myself when viewing this list :) It was fun but there were consequences. I went to bed around 1-2am and had to be up at 7:30. In the middle of the night some group of youths outside my window and down in to the alley were loud. This left me with a third night of about 4-5 hours sleep. I woke up very dizzy (either hangover or still drunk!) I dashed out to meet my colleague/friend to head off to the third day of the conference and all I could think about was getting a coffee IV in quick. I found Starbucks and broke the no coffee for breakfast rule that easy. I promise I will go back to tea but today...today I needed my peppermint mocha. The lack of sleep and running around on my feet all day has caused my ankles and especially my left one to swell up to the size of an orange. It is super annoying because I cannot really go try on boots with my leg and ankle all swollen up.

I went to the morning sessions but was so tired I had trouble focusing. Before lunch I cut out of the last session to take the son of a friend down to a sporting goods store for some American tennis shoes. They are from Ireland and the shoes just do not come big enough for the boy there. He had no problem in New York.

We had a final socializing lunch with fellow conference goers and then I went with the daughter of another of my friends (also at the conference) to Soho for some shopping. I got a really cool dress and Desigual. and a slim fitting long-sleeved ribbed top at Anthropologie. I also picked up a pair of dark green tights that go with the dress.

my food intake has been hit and miss and up and down. I have tried to stick to safe foods but have taken the occasional risk. I have eaten dessert (but not right after a meal!!). My pattern has been to skip breakfast for a cup of tea. At around 10 ish I had a small cookie or sandwich (had a mozzarella and tomato mini sandwich ). For lunch a crowd of us went to a small grocery style lunch. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. I at 2/3rds of it. and it got stuck. Not comfortable or fun in the middle of a conference session. This one was on wheat bread and I seem to have trouble with it-oh and maybe forgetting to chew as I yammer on with my friends. Now you might be thinking..wtf she got sick on her lunch and went out to drink anyway? Well my response was well yes...yes I did. I had soup for dinner and had little trouble sipping down the drinks over about 5 hours.

All in all my trip has been good fun. I have picked up a few clothes and I am good with that. I have all the time in the world to find the right clothes to fit this long term body.

New York Baby-

I flew out at 7:30 am this morning and spent a pleasant 4 and 1/2 hours knitting and talking to my seatmate about gardening, organic farming, politics (he was a county commissioner)and comparing the weather between North Carolina and Oregon.

My hotel is good (My room is great!). The Herald square is a tad tired from the front and the lobby is nothing to write home about (kind of scary shabby as a matter of fact) but my room is a remodeled one and beautiful!! The designer put cream colored italian plaster on the walls, cherry hardwood floor, gray marble bathroom with matching wall tile. a new iron bed with new mattress.

I checked for signs of bed bugs and there was none to be seen. In stripping the sheets off to check the mattress seams and discovered that the mattress is the same one as I have at home (I am thinking I will have a comfortable sleep!).

The down side is that my friend's room is not as nice or as clean. They have a nice bathroom like I do but the floor is covered in a filthy carpet and the mattress is covered in plastic. I am not going to be stupid about broadcasting my hotel room on here while I am staying but I will tell you what room to ask for when I get home again. Thus far I would stay here again in a heartbeat.

The food-My food has been fairly good. I am still pretty tight. I did not set myself up for a great trip restriction wise when I attempted to eat spaghetti last night. It tasted great going down and even after the first three attempts to un-stick the improperly chewed noodle I said that it was worth it. By attempt number 6 and pictures taken by David of me leaning over the kitchen sink I began rethinking my 'worth it' statement.

So today: I have had three cups of tea today and some water. I ordered a cheese plate on the plane and ate most of it before I landed. I had 2 grapes and about 3 oz of cheese in total plus 4 water crackers. Dinner was a small portion of Borscht with sour cream at the Carnegie deli. I also had one french fry (from a friends plate), and a slice of liverwurst and 1/2 a slice of rye bread.

We then walked over to Serendipity 3 for dessert. I ordered a very huge and food porn worthy maple nut sundae. the sundae came with huge amounts of walnuts, a maple sauce that was wonderful and a big old scoop of ice cream. I barely skimmed the top off it before I was too full to continue. Again it was worth it though because I got to taste a bit of that gorgeous delight even if i Had to pay a full portion price for it. My friends took pictures of me chowing down (actually I only managed one more bite after the pics). When she sends them I will post them for you to see.

Tomorrow I am having lunch with Catherine and there are tentative plans to meet up with Yana on Sunday evening or Monday sometime. I managed a bit of window shopping as I walked from my hotel to Times Square and between Times square and Serendipity. I can't wait to get some more time to have a look around. My list includes:

Knitting store
boots?
slacks
shoes that are comfortable but look good with a business worthy skirt.
American Girl ( a little look see for potential Christmas shopping)
other cool boutiques.

If anyone is familiar with New York and wants to offer up advice I am game.

xxxooo

Meanng of Life?

Read over at My Trek Downward posted and answered these questions yesterday. She asked us to to post what our answers would be...here are mine.

1) What do you want? forget about goals for a moment - what do you REALLY want?

What I want changes from day to day and moment to moment. I really want a peaceful, fulfilling life with my family and friends. To me this involved a stimulating career balances with time to relax and enjoy my family and hobbies. I pretty much have that right now but it occasionally goes off kilter when I over commit myself to work or volunteer activities.

2) When you have the life you want, what will it look like, be like - what kind of feeling will you have around your life? joy? a sense of serenity? or confidence that you're ready for anything?

All or those feelings listed in the question.


3) How will you know - what will tell you when you have what you want in your life? Try to be as specific as possible.

I am almost there. I have the energy to get all of the things done in my day that I need to and have some leftover to do the things I want to. I guess if I truly had perfect balance between my work and home life I would have just a little bit more time for the things I want to do :) Like sewing, traveling and spending time with my family.

4) What impact will living the life you want have on other areas, for example, family or close friends, or where you might be living? With my added energy I have the time and focus to give to my family. I will be living in a new place (my house if for sale) with animals to care for and ready trail to maintain our family fitness.

5) What's preventing you from getting what you want?

I am my own worst enemy because I have all of these opportunities that are offered up. They include work commitments, volunteer opportunities and other time-wasters. I need to learn to say no even though the new thing sounds exciting, interesting or fun. I need to focus my energy on finishing what I have started.

6) What resources do you currently have - and what additional resources do you need to help get what you want?

I know what needs to be finished. I know how to make a check-list. I can have some restraint if I focus on it.

7) What steps can you take this week to help you move forward with your vision? I guess make a list of what I need to finish...and vow not to take on anything new (but I am going to New York and plan on going to a knitting store does that count?)

8) How will you acknowledge your progress? Taking time to celebrate what you accomplish along the way is a critical - and often neglected - factor in success. Building on a sense of achievement can help get you through the hard times. And nothing begets success like success!

I need to Check off my list of stuff to do as I accomplish it and set deadlines to complete my projects.

I Am Tight..and Stuck

Tuesday means work day for me. My last one before leaving for New York. We are still out of tea at home so I did not get my morning drink and I avoided the urge to get a coffee when I hit campus. What this meant however is that I drank nothing (not good). In my office at 10am I cracked out some goldfish and sesame candies I had stashed for an emergency and ate them. Still no drink. At 1:30 I had a meeting so not lunch and no drink. Then I drove to my second job early to tutor some of my students before their midterm exam. Still no drink. I popped into the school cafeteria for food (because I was hungry) and picked up a small sandwich on a dinner roll plus what I thought was a brownie. I ate the sandwich. I ate part of what turned out to be a big old wedge of fudge.

That is when the trouble started. I don't think it is the fudge but I am stuck. I am sure it is the sandwich. The problem is that the fudge went in on top of the sandwich and it has to be removed before I can get down to the sandwich. I have been at this (painfully) for 30 minutes now. Running back and forth to the public bathroom.

arghghgh--any other day and that sandwich would have worked just fine.

Oh by the way..still no water. not having a good food/drink day.

Oh..im off..back to the toilet.

Ok Im back...I think this time did the trick. Apparently today Turkey, cheese and bread do not agree. I think I am going to go find water now.

update: I was correct..I did unstick whatever was stuck. When I went off to get a drink the darned machine was out of everything!! So I taught my class and then came home. I was hungry when I got home and David (he is getting so good and judging my serving size) had left me a bit of ravioli in the fridge (4 actually). I ate them and then tutored one of my students for an hour. Finally at 10:45 I am sitting down to my first drink of the day.

sheesh..I need to drink more.
xxxooo

Nothing to Report on the Scale Today but Clean Clean Clean

Nothing to talk about band/scale wise today. I woke up I got on and nothing has really changed. I am however having a new ring crisis. I did not think my fingers could shrink any more but they sure have. I took them off to do some painting on Friday and then forgot to put them back on. Saturday afternoon when I pulled them out to put them back on one slipped off my finger, bounced off the floor and dropped right into a tiny crack in the door of my dishwasher (open at the time for filling).

I saw it go in and spent the next half our probing the little hole to get the thing out. David broke out his electronics board probes to poke around after I became frustrated. We finally buckled and found a funky shaped screwdriver to take the door apart. Thank goodness it only took two screws for the door to open up a crack and I found the stupid ring. I have jokingly given David a choice :)...I go in and spend more than 200 dollars to get my anniversary ring re-sized to a size 4.5 so it can be used to hold on my size 5.5 wedding rings. Alternatively he can find me a new ring small enough to hold them all on my finger :)

He has not given me an answer yet...

Today our real estate agent came and helped me do some shining up (she used skin so soft bath oil to shine up stainless steel and it works). We then took a bunch of pictures. I have to say that the staged pictures look better than my house does in real life :) I will put them up tomorrow (we uploaded them to the agent's computer but for us they are still on the camera).

xxxooo

Back in the 60's again.

My little creeping scale has finally popped back into the 160's (169.8). I am continuing my morning tea and trying to eat meals instead of snacks and am pretty tight band wise.

We spent today cleaning house and fixing stuff in all forms and sizes. David took several trips to our re-rented storage unit. Grace and I cleaned floors, the kitchen, dining room, living room, family room guest room. We Sorted out books in David's and my room and cleaned out my long neglected and unused fireplace. I cut down a tree in the front yard (Ok it was so dead I really just pushed it over).

Tonight I need to do some tiling to touch up our bathroom back-splash and probably begin to paint my laundry room. David is replacing a ceiling fan. I am hoping tomorrow we have a chance to do a bit of work in the yard and then pictures will be taken and our house will officially go on the market on Tuesday. I will post the pics when they are done.

I am tired :) As I sat and typed away on the backlog of work yesterday I was as tired as I used to be all the time before I lost this weight. I was as grouchy and as irritable and weary. The remembrance hit my like a ton of bricks. Today..I am sooo grateful that I do not feel that way all the time anymore. I think my weariness yesterday was due from a lack of sleep and continuing full days of work. (I stayed up too late on a couple and then tossed and turned on another) Today after a full day of running around the house, hauling boxes and doing what they call 'heavy housecleaning' I feel fine. It makes me feel and overwhelming sense of gratitude..yes it does.

170.0 Again and a Laundry List of Happenings-with updated Negative Nelly Post

I gave up coffee and replaced it with tea and greater quantities of water this week. It seems to be doing the trick a bit. I have steadily lost ounces everyday this week. This morning the scale returned 170 exactly. It is not yet back to my brief brush with 166 but I will take it and plod steadily forward towards goal.

I leave for New York next Thursday. I still hate to give myself clothing rewards but will probably crumble if I find anything while I am there. I am pondering boots just now.

We are in all battle stations getting the house re-prepared to go on the market. It is amazing how you can make a list of things that need to be done and then keep finding more and more as you get that list done. Yesterday it was painting my main hallway and a bathroom. Today it will be a bit of tiling and a massive move of stuff to storage. Sunday and Monday will be cleaning day sand I am sure more fixing.

Update:
arghghghg-this is why I envy the people who manage to get stuff done. I spent all afternoon typing math solutions into documents and uploading them for my class. I have now spent 4 hours past when I was ready to go to bed typing up articles for the paper I volunteer for (these are one day late I might add). Work on the house? Nada---cleaning...nada zip. I am drowning in mess here and it drives me nutty.

On the food front-it was crap. I did not eat one meal today. cookies, popcorn, one cup of tea and 2oz of cheddar cheese. I am hungry right now but at 1 am I am just asking for yet another night of missed sleep this time hanging in the bathroom hacking up acid. Nooo thank you. I will settle for a much needed glass of water and sleep. Last night I didn't sleep because I was stressing about the stuff I finally got done this afternoon. and yep..i am a negative Nelly tonight.

BYOC

On to this week’s BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – where we answer 5 little questions to get to know each other better. Copy to your blog and enjoy!

1. Tell me about someone you envy.

I don't envy any one person but envy different aspects of people sometimes:

The Dash..because she is putting in her garden and I am winterizing mine.
Drazil..because she talks about wearing her high heels and jewelry and exudes such style and I feel like a frump walking in the dark half the time.
Amy..She has such a sense of herself and can really lay herself out there on her blog (i am too afraid to say many things in such a public place)
Caroline with her story telling skills and photographers eye
Several bloggers and people in my life who seem to get things done (while I wander around leaving things half finished)
Bill Gates-who has earned a bundle and is now getting to use it for good (even though I disagree with how he is using some of that money). Ok I would have some fun with all that money and power too.

2. What makes you angry?

rudeness
bigotry
people who lead kids (or adults for that matter) to believe they are stupid and limited in what they can accomplish in life.

3. In an effort to help so many that seem to be blue and sad….what do you do when you feel very sad or depressed?

I used to eat-now I usually take a nap.
retail therapy sometimes helps
talking it out
snuggling up on the couch with the fireplace on and a good chick flick.

4. If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what five things would you want with you to survive (not people)?

A beach chair
my swimsuit
sunglasses
a book, some magazines
a tropical drink (and pitcher for backup)
knitting in case I get bored with the book/magazines
perhaps a snack

When can we go?
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and blogland.

I was on top of blogs this week. I always seem to blog more when I am wrestling with a dilemma. This weight gain of more than I had left to lose coupled with getting used to my new work schedule has thrown a monkey-wrench into my confidence and comfort level. I discovered that all of my talk (in real life) that I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person was full of shit. I am really deeply habitual when it comes to eating and exercising and usually not in a good way. I have made some changes this week (again) as this lapband pathway has required repeatedly from me. Hopefully this will be the last big push to the finish line and that the changes I have made this week (and the exercise ones to come) will do the trick.

I think that I really write on my blog as a journal and for myself most of the time. I do not know if others think..ah entertainment or I have to communicate with my readers when they write theirs but it always comes a bit of a surprise when I have huge epiphany's after reading other peoples' blogs. I don't know why it is a surprise but I wish we could bottle this whole blog thing up for everyone to share in. Every single time I have been struggling with something a good blog read or even reading over a few weeks provides the answers I am seeking. Even the simplest post containing a list of food choices has made me realize what I am doing wrong. It is stupid that I cannot recognize my own failing but when I see it in another persons' list my own flaws slap me in the face. Linda's family exercise idea is huge for me today as was the whole round of posts about doing better for our own children who have weight issues.

I am off to try and accomplish stuff today...inspired by all of you bloggers who get-er done every day and I envy you but am trying to emulate you instead :)

xxxooo

Children and Obesity 3-

First Drazil then Amy from the land of cheese and sunkist posted a discussion about children, body image and obesity. I wrote a big old long comment on Amy's post but it was rejected for length (duh). I am posting it here plus additional ramblings added....

I was a chubby kid who felt fat my whole life. My mom used to compare my tiny sister and I by giving me advice on dressing so that I could camouflage my tummy. She would say "us big girls need to do this." She was overweight too. I felt fat as a teenager even though it is exactly what I weigh now. I quickly became obese following the birth of my three oldest daughters. My mom did not intend to make me feel bad as a child. I had to wear kids 1/2 sized clothing and because my clothes were never on sale almost all of mine were home-made by my mom. I did have a tummy as I was a chubby girl. My sister was different than I and that just was as it was. I very likely would have had a poor body image with or without the clothing advice.

Fast forward now to my girls. I am a mom-Three of my daughters were raised by an obese mom (the fourth gets this thinner mom that I have become)and two of them have weight issues. One is obese (as defined by the BMI people)the other yo-yos between healthy and overweight. The third is having trouble keeping weight on right now. I believe that I could have taught them to eat more healthily but I believe they were destined to be fat or not before or soon after they were born. My obese daughter has been HUNGRY since she was a baby. She was like a heat seeking missile when she nursed. She was a human vacuum as a toddler (i pulled pennies and rocks out of her mouth frequently) and she noticably enjoyed food more than her sisters. I believe her weight thermometer is set high.

Having said that, however, I raised her to be proud and that BBW are beautiful and live happy fulfilled lives. I am glad that she has a better self-image than I did but on the down side. I have now found a way for her to feel more energy. Be healthier and not have to deal with the anti-obesity slant of society. She has told me that she is happy as a BBW and is not interested. I feel conflicted. Like all converts (and I do feel like one sometimes). I am excited about this band and want all of those I know who struggle with their weight to share it with me.

My second weight struggling daughter has only a slightly off kilter weight thermostat and has figured out strategies to battle it (sometime winning and sometimes sliding back). She struggles a bit more with her self-image and has felt the sting of words said by unthinking classmates about her weight. She seeks thinness with exercise and dieting. I wish there was a tool that even those who suffer moderate weight issues could have to help them.

My thin daughter has had a strong sense of her metabolism her whole life. As a child she would drop back on her food intake when she was sedentary. My fist husband even brought it to my attention once when we were on a road trip. He said, look she isn't eating. I bet it is because she has been trapped on her backside in a car for two days and isn't burning anything off as she would normally."

She has operated that way her whole life. Sure she fluctuated up 10 or 20 pounds a time or two (like when she had a baby) but she quickly normalizes and has in the last few months with stress, working, parenting and going to school ended up having to work hard at keeping weight on. She battled during her lifetime with different body issues. She is well-endowed and struggled with attention from boys that she did not always want.

So I guess the end wrap up of this is..that I really think our weight is driven strongly by genetics or some other physical issue that is only slightly if at all related to control, emotion or upbringing. I also think that body image is variable and although we can sure screw it up as parents it is much harder to protect our kids or insure that our kids come away with a positive self-image given the varied experiences they all have. I do sometimes worry that too good of a body image can mask our need to protect our health but I am conflicted about this.

As I have posted here before-my grandma pulled me aside when I was 20 to talk to me about my weight just after she lost more than 100 pounds (diabetes scared her skinny) and told me that I needed to take care of it while I was young enough to enjoy being thin. She was right but I wasn't ready. I needed to be in my 40's before I was ready. Perhaps our daughters need to be ready. Ready to change what needs changing, ready to appreciate the assets they have and ready to be what they think their best is.

Weird Weird Weird

So lunch today was a beef stew that David cooked all night in the oven while we slept. As sometimes happens the beef did not agree and I got stuck. This beef was soft..super duper soft. I said to myself..OK so you are still tight from the Sunday problems and decided that I would have to have something else for dinner. At dinner time my nice next door neighbor brought over a pasta dish she made. It looked and smelled delicious!! Spaghetti, bacon, cheese, and onions. I drooled and tried a couple of bites to see how things went. All was well and I had a good 3/4 cup of it an hour later.

So...no beef at lunch but pasta at dinner? That is just not normal for me. Pasta was the first thing I had difficulty with. I have in fact avoided pasta for a very long time (I can have a bite or two but lets face it Pasta is not a dense protein and takes up space in my little old pouch). So my dinner as smooth as anything was a serving of pasta..OH my this was another food porn moment I'm telling you.

but..my stupid band is giving me mixed messages.

Tonight David and I made another plan/vow. With the weather cooling we have not been on our bikes nearly as much as we should. David and I both need some exercise in our lives. We are going to clear out the garage this weekend and set up our gym again. The plan is for us both (or all three) to get on our bikes from 6-7 Mon, Wed, and Friday. Hopefully we can get in a weekend ride if the weather is good as well. Perhaps this exercise will help both my appetite and my metabolism.

Two Year Stats, Back-Slide, and NSV

Two Year Stats-

I went in for a very late two year check-in as part of the research study I am participating in at my surgeons office. My surgeon is apparently (according to the data collector) a real big wig in the Weight-loss surgery field. I knew he was good but I really didn't think of him as any other than my surgeon. Anyway I got a bit more information about the study and my progress so far.

The study is a longitudinal study that will compare the results of the four current surgeries and their effectiveness with patients (rny, sleeve, lapband and Duod. Switch). I am one of 400 patients in Oregon and there are three other centers participating. The surveys are logging my health improvements, my increased fitness, weightloss, as well as body fat, BMI and metabolism. They also took blood and urine for specific blood and kidney function changes.

Some of the high points were: 1. The 1/2 mile walk was nothing (it was pretty easy last time but this time I didn't even breathe heavy and my heart rate went back to normal in minutes. 2. My body fat is well within the research teams idea of normal. The not so good: 1. The downside is that I weighed in at 172.5 (even with clothes this doesn't make me very happy) 2. The rate that I burn calories is about 1500 a day (that seems really low to me). The data taker said that I had not lost an unreasonable amount of body mass (which is good I guess). My guess is I need to think about lifting weights or something so I can increase my metabolism?

Back-Slide

The 172.5 is bugging the crud out of me. I ate really well today and have given up the coffee for two days in a row. I had tea both yesterday and today and will have another decaf tonight before I go to bed. I am really working hard at upping my water intake and limiting the snacking that I do. This feels like the first time I have ever moved back up the scales this far (I don't know if it really is but it does feel like it). Being so close to goal and sliding back more than I had left to lose annoys me to no end.

NSV-

I parked on on the fifth floor of the parking garage today. I usually park on the third but I got in late and there were no spots so up to the fifth I went. I was dragging a bunch of books for my office and without a thought I picked my two bags up in each hand and walked down the stairs. I stopped for a rest at my works meeting space and then after repositioning my load and trekked down to my office (about 1/4 mile). On my way home this afternoon (and this is really the NSV bit) I didn't even think about the fact that I was going to climb 5 floors. I didn't even contemplate the elevator. I just climbed up the stairs flight after flight. When I got to the top I was barely breathing heavy. My legs did not hurt one bit!!

In class tonight one of my students pulled me aside to tell me I reminded her so much of an actress/comedian called Janeanne Garafolo. I did not know who Garafolo was at the time but I have seen her several times on Bill Mahr. I perched on the edge of a desk near this student and a translator that works with one of my other students. I told them both that I had recently lost quite a bit of weight and that my students used to tell me I looked like Kathy Bates from Misery. Now I never really felt bad about looking like Kathy Bates because I think she is super talented and looks good (way better than I did at my heaviest). The translator gasped and was horrified that someone would say that to me. She also said I looked nothing like her.

Kathy is on the right.


It feels really weird and wonderful to be compared to a super skinny actress instead of a beautiful larger sized actress. I still feel more like Kathy than Janeanne.

When Feeling Frustrated Go Make a Spreadsheet

While cleaning out my sewing room tonight I found a copy of a weight and fill chart that my surgeon gave me a while back. I put this added information into a spreadsheet I started a few months ago. I also added my latest information. In the beginning I did not keep track of my weightloss on any sort of chart. After about 6 months I discovered the weightloss ticker online and it really helped me keep track of things. Now every day I log the days on my ticker when I lose and skip logging on bounce days where I go back up on the scale or stay the same. I transferred all of the information from both places onto a spread sheet. I have a couple columns logging the daily changes and then because that list is hideously long I transformed it into a month overview chart. I took the lowest weight during the month and then show the pounds lost in the third column. Tonight I battled with a graph and got one to look reasonably good as well.

I am gong to try and attach them (OK I cannot get the chart to work). This 135 pounds took a lonnnnnnng time to come off the but chart really looks good.


Monthly dates Weight loss
August-07 304 weighed
August-08 298 weighed 6 lost Surgery date
September-08 287 weighed 11 lost Fill 9/29/08
October-08 284 weighed 3 lost Fill 10/28/08
November-08 281 weighed 3 lost
December-08 277 weighed 4 lost Fills 12/2/08 and 12/15/08
January-09 270 weighed 7 lost
February-09 265 weighed 5 lost Fill 2/28/09
March-09 259 weighed 6 lost Fill 3/31/09
April-09 253 weighed 6 lost Port Revision 4/30/09
May-09 250 weighed 3 lost Fill 5/18/09
June-09 243 weighed 7 lost
July-09 237 weighed 6 lost
August-09 226 weighed 11 lost Fill 8/20/09
September-09 221 weighed 5 lost
October-09 219 weighed 2 lost
November-09 213 weighed 6 lost Fill 11/3/09
December-09 205 weighed 8 lost
January-10 199 weighed 6 lost Fill 1/5/10
February-10 199 weighed 0 lost Fill 2/18/10
March-10 194 weighed 5 lost Fill 3/16/10
April-10 189 weighed 5 lost
May-10 184 weighed 5 lost Fill 5/17/10
June-10 179 weighed 5 lost
July-10 174 weighed 5 lost
August-10 168 weighed 6 lost
September-10 166 weighed 2 lost Fill 09/10/10
October-10 166 weighed 0 lost

Liquid Tight Day

Today is tight so far. I am sipping a cup of tea and it is slow going. It is funny how a few short weeks ago after my fill this made me happy and now it kind of freaks me out. I am going to stay on self-imposed liquids today to let my poor band have a break. The scale is back down under 170 but I am still tight.

Update-Off to work following my cup of tea and 1/2 a greek yogurt.

another cup of tea with no milk at work

Evening update-liquids are hard to stick to. I had 1/2 soup at lunch (I didn't like it), and a Greek yogurt.

Midday snack -2 short bread cookies
Dinner-1 oz cheddar cheese
Evening 2 short break cookies (I need to get the cookies out of the house)

getting ready to have a decaf-cup of tea this evening.

Holy Cow

Today was a flash back in time and totally unexpected.

I did a sleep in because early morning rain woke me up and I laid in bed for an hour mentally fixing the house to go on the market and then nodded off again until 10am. When I got up Nichole and my grandson were over running around. We decided that on today's fix it list we would go to Ikea and get some cabinet fronts to swap out some of our damaged ones (a little accident with red fingernail polish and some water damage).

On the drive to Ikea I had some popcorn my daughter had packed in her bag (she is really good at making popcorn old style). I had my fill and then found that my entire family wanted lunch..but failed to tell me before I ate my popcorn breakfast. I forced them to walk around part of the store before we went (hoping the popcorn would pass through before I got to the meatballs). Now..I love Ikea meatballs and lingonberry jam...and I was pretty ticked that I was still not hungry by the time we got to the restaurant. I took Grant to find a table and they ordered their food. I nibbled on two meatballs off David's plate and had a bite or apple pie.

We returned to check out and I ended up in pain with something sharp shooting across my upper left side. I am assuming it was a lunch issue as after an hour of it coming and going I burped and the pain subsided. at 2:30 or so after we got home I dumped everyone at home and left by myself to stop and get David some Pickle (only available at a couple of places in town) and then go to Costco for some groceries. I decided a coffee might help me feel better. The pain returned and I did not manage to drink more than half of the coffee.

at 5pm I cooked some salmon, oven roasted rosemary and garlic potatoes, squash, tomatoes, and cucumber vinegar salad as we had some friends over. While cooking I had two bites of a couple of fresh tomatoes from my garden while I prepared the rest. At dinner (because i was afraid) I had a few sips of vodka and orange juice at 6pm when our friends came and drank it while we waited for the salmon to finish off in the oven. I put the rest of my drink away and decided that just the salmon would be safest following my problematic day. I had about 2 oz. The pain returned and I had to visit the bathroom several times expelling the salmon and the Orange juice. I really have no idea what triggered it but today has been pretty bad.

So from bottomless pit to extreme sensitive and tightness...I know my weight is up but I was hoping my good behavior over the last couple days would have stabilized my upswing. I feel fine now and have had two walkers shortbread biscuits and a cup of milky tea. They are sitting fine and it is very annoying that I can eat now that the company has gone.

...Did my band have stage fright? Did I screw it up with the popcorn? Am i just tight again? I have no flipping Idea!!!

Tomorrow is a soup day I think.

Rubber Band Man

I love that song...and I have chosen it because today's epiphany is that scale bounce is meaningful.

So last night after I got home from my oldest daughters dinner out I did have a candy snack and I got on the scale before I went to bed..It read 173 freaking pounds. Now I know it was the end of the day at all that but here is the thing. I couldn't eat dinner because I was still full from the darned chips I ate for lunch. Why you might ask? well it is because (I think)...I have regained all of the flipping weight I lost after my last fill and I am now back up to the same tightness I was just after that fill. Just like I said yesterday-the cycle of lesson relearning keeps on a-coming.

At 171-173 (where I was hanging before my last fill). I am tight. This restriction is even on the too tight side. Needless to say I was really annoyed that I sat down to dinner and could not eat anything. At one point I had to get up and take a walk just so I could get a burp or two through or would have had to go to the toilet. You see 4 hours after lunch I couldn't even handle ice water and I was trying to sip it.

at 166-170 I can ingest the world. Bread, snacks..etc.

but it is slightly more complicated than that. I have also learned in the last two years to be crafty...I can sneak in calories. A snack, liquid breakfast, soup, yogurt, etc. I also chew better, at slower and stop sooner. So this recipe adds up to a sort of rubber band like battle of calorie cut and calorie gain which then causes weight loss and gain.

It is always the complicated things that are easy to figure out hunh? I hope the sarcasm read through here. So my new revised game plan:

1. the coffee sitting next to me is my last large one. From here on out the morning coffee is turning to tea and a small one if there is a darned good reason and breakfast is not it.
2. I will eat breakfast lunch and dinner. It will be small and healthy with protein and vegetable.
3. Like Bunny I get candy at the end of the day (some dessert to keep me happy but small dessert).
4. Exercise? Something 3 days a week even if it is raining.
5. I did not make a fill appointment but I am for sure going to make one on Monday for exactly two weeks from now. Then I am going to do my darnedest to get back down to 166 and get my hiney in for fill so I can finish up the blasted fight to goal gig.

Me or the Band?

I am sure this topic has come up before on my blog. I am sure it will come up again. I wish it was a lesson I could learn but I really think this weightloss thing happens in a spiral where I learn the same lessons over and over again only a little better or a little bit differently. I wish we were not such creatures of habit but despite my life goal of thinking that I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl deep down I don't really think I am and I crave habits just as much as the next guy.

OK..that was a nonesense filled sentence. Maybe I can lay it out more clearly...

I am not losing weight. I have developed some habits that are not helping me. I even had an out-loud conversation with myself about it in the car this morning. I have become a snacker. I am sure it is my body fighting back at the weightloss that the band has created. The snacking, however, is not helping me at all.

Yesterday that slammed me up in the face when I actually had a day where I did not snack. Lets face it...it is easier to grab a drink here a bite there an stay satisfied. It is much more difficult to sit down and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and then walk away from food until the next meal. first of all avoiding snacks eliminates a heck of a lot of fun foods. It also is easier..I can scarf a bit of anything but facing a meal of it..now that is more difficult.

I have attempted to do the same again today. Breakfast was a coffee (yes I am avoiding the fact that I am ingesting liquid calories still and will continue to do so for the near future!!). mid-morning snack was a glass of water and 3/4 of a piece of pumpkin bread. I had lunch (10 tortilla chips, cheese and refried beans) at 2:00pm and now at 4:30 just had a scoop of candy corn. I am going to have dinner out for my oldest daughters birthday where I will have water and probably a piece of fish and two french fries(unless they have a good soup on the menu). I will probably come home and have another snack of some sort at 9pm. snack snack snack...I need to put a stop to it I think. I might..gulp...actually have to start doing a bit of a diet here near the end of this road.

Today Was Better-

I am feeling a bit better today about things. The scale has not changed but I managed to normalize my out of control eating. I only ordered a tall coffee this morning and chased it with 1/2c an oatmeal. Lunch was a single crisp chicken taco with black beans, cheese, sour cream and tomatoes. Dinner was another slice of french bread and 1 oz of cheese. I snuck in 5 candy corns. I drank two bottles of water.

This is much better than I have been doing and I feel pretty calm about it even though it is more than I usually eat. I do need a fill but am going to give it a couple of days so I can get myself down to the bottom end of this swing before I go in.

I am going in the morning for my two year research evaluation. It will be interesting to see what they bmi, weight, and heart rate data print out looks like.

Crapity-I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing

I did a bit of testing today and although I know that is not a good way to work this band thing I have learned that I really need a flipping fill. I will call tomorrow and see how soon I can get in. Goodness knows how many calories have gone down my gullet but it was plenty.

Tonight for example I had a good 1/2 cup of chicken pot pie quickly at 6pm. I was super hungry again 10 minutes ago (10 pm) and did an old style grab cheese in the fridge and slice a french bread placing cheese on top. I ate said bread and 3oz of cheese in rapid pace. (yes I just slammed bread!!!!)...I couldn't even do that after my first fill. Now I know bread is not off my list anymore and I know I chew better but puuleeasee...that bread went down really fast and I can feel it slipping through my band right now.

Apparently there is some major piece of stomach fat melting off under my band. i Don't remember such a big difference or obvious loosening in ages.

xxxooo

Back Down to 169

#$%$#%$# scale...I want new territory not old territory. I am cleaning house today and going to try and do everything like a good band girl. Water, meals and even throw in the grilled cheese test. I might just make a fill appointment.

I have to go in in Friday anyway as the research coordinator finally called and set up an appointment.

I think shopping is in order to perk up my spirits as well.

Arghghghg :)

Still in a holding pattern here. It is weird really but I have been through this dry zone before and no matter how many iterations of it I still get frustrated. The scale has bumped up to 170 again and it is driving me crazy. I am trying to peg my attitude on the following:

1. David says the scale is not working right
2. My clothes are getting looser
3. my skin is noticeably saggier
4. My bones are noticeably more prominent
5. Most of the signs that I have a good fill are in place
6. I have not yet off loaded my monthly water gain (I think)

Driving my crazy:

1. The scale is staying up
2. I have been hungry
3. The scale is staying up..oh did I already say that?
4. I have been craving sweets like crazy

I do not know what the deal is and I am sure this pattern has happened before. I know this whole band and weightloss journey has been filled with cycles of the scale is moving and i am happy or the scale is not moving and I am frustrated. I wonder that if a large part of this game is that the band helps us get through the not moving frustrated parts without going off the wagon. I know I would have done it sooo many times by now without it.

Saturday Tour, Sunday Ride

Yesterday David, Grace and I went with a friend (who is also a real estate agent) and looked at several properties around our area. We did find two potential beauties. I of course like one of them and David likes the other. We are currently discussing whether it is time to put our house back on the market and look towards moving again. We roamed around properties in the woods, with creeks, that need to be gutted and rebuilt, bare land and others that have gourmet kitchens and roaming chickens and donkeys.

My favorite is on a local 23 mile bike, horse and walking trail. We could walk right out our back gate and go right onto the trail. It is on three acres with two fenced corrals. It has a huge garage with space for two large motor homes, a smaller car plus four offices. The house is small and needs a bit of cosmetic work to make it to our taste but everything in it is well cared for and clean.

David's favorite is further away from David's work but has a nice 4 bedroom house on it. The house is newer with hardwood floors in most of it. The current owner is a chef and has a kitchen that reflects that. There is a smaller garage, a chicken coop, and a barn that currently houses two small donkeys. There are three fenced areas and some of the space in valleys and forest. The land and outbuildings on this place need a bit of work and the yard work I see facing me seems like it would take a lot of work.

I spent a long time last night trying to work out which one would be the right one and even what we needed to do to the house we are in to get it ready to put back on the market. So much so that I slept until 11am because i was up and down last night with acid reflux and over-active brain insomnia. I think the acid reflux was because I had a piece of toast with raspberry jam at 11pm...not such a good idea and I knew it at the time.

Today with my late wake up we missed our 11am appointment to go on a ride with some friends. We showed up 45 minutes late and rode down a local trail for about 19 miles all together. Grace held her own and I got tired about the same time she did. I decided that I am now as fit as a 9 year old :)...

I hope you all had a nice weekend! xxxooo

Cruisin at 166 or so

I am still here. There was no change this morning either (a bit up actually but I ignore that)...get a mental picture of me with my fingers in my ears, my eyes closed and I am singing lalalalala.

I have a real problem with my clothes though. I have a fine wardrobe for summer but it is coming on fall and although I purchased three sweaters and gained two pairs of jeans from my daughter a couple of weeks ago I am still short when it comes to work wear. I am trying really hard to wear the summer skirts and blouses with ever changing sweaters on top. My daughter gave me two pairs of slacks but I do not like them (really wide legs that look stupid on me).

I am also wearing bras that have space for another boob. I can actually fit my whole hand in the dead air space (ok don't get a mental picture of that one). Thank goodness the bras are those foam formed ones that hold their shape whether empty or full. I am pretending I still have big boobs even though I do not.

I want to get to goal and do the whole new wardrobe at that weight thing....how much will two pounds change me? Should I just go for it? Waiting for a finish line sucks.

xxxooo